Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
HARLEY
PRESENT DAY – SENIOR YEAR
I absently laugh at something Cole says as we walk across the courtyard. It’s something I’ve been doing more and more lately—pretending to give a fuck about what’s going on around me when, in actual fact, I don’t.
I don’t know why, but I just feel… numb.
It feels like I’m just going through my life in a daze. Honestly, I’ve pretty much been in a daze for the last three years of college, but last year was the worst of them.
I didn’t speak to Savannah once, doing my best to avoid her while she did the same to me, and it’s meant I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything.
I won’t say I regret everything I did to her because that wouldn’t be true.
Savannah makes me feel something that no one else could compare to, but I do regret being so hard on her.
Sure, she fucked me and my family over, but I should never have treated her the way I did.
And even though I hate her still, it’s been hard to stay away.
Not even just to torture her like I used to, but just to check up on her.
And it’s messing with my fucking head, leaving me not knowing what to do or how to feel.
Why the hell does this girl have such a hold on me?
Why does it feel like I can barely fucking breathe when I think about her?
Not a single one of my friends knows about everything between Savannah and me, and I can’t tell them.
I probably should have told them years ago, but I can’t tell them, not now Lana and Gracie seem to have befriended Savannah.
For as long as I’ve known her, she’s never had any close friendships, and now she does, for some unknown, dumbass fucking reason, I can’t bring myself to tear them away from her.
Speaking of which, we walk into the cafeteria, and I feel more than see Cole and Noah lighten as they spot Lana and Gracie sitting at a table… with Savannah.
Fuck, I need to leave.
Right the fuck now.
“I-I... I think I left my phone back at home. I’ll see you guys later,” I stammer out before turning on my heel and heading back the way we came in, needing to get the fuck away from everything and everyone.
I don’t even care that my phone is in my hand and the guys probably saw it. I don’t care about anything except getting away.
I jog for a couple of minutes, then head down an alleyway between two of the buildings. It’s free of people, and I’m pretty sure most students don’t even know this is a shortcut.
My throat tightens, and I lean against the wall, flashes from the last four years coming to the forefront of my mind, and I will myself to push them away, but I can’t.
They haunt me day and night, and it’s finally breaking me.
I think about Savannah sitting at that table with my friends, and the pain worsens.
I can’t fucking do this anymore.
I couldn’t head over to the table and pretend everything was normal.
I can’t pretend that Savannah is a stranger to me, that we haven’t shared everything we have.
I can’t act as though we don’t know each other for the benefit of the people I care about.
I can’t go near her, because I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing if I get close.
I can’t keep pretending that I’m holding myself together.
I can’t fucking breathe.