6. Weinus, Weinus & Ware LLC #2
Ronald looked at the towering sign, its peeling poster dog eared but still doggedly advertising the legal firm with a photo that may be more at home on the cover of a romance novel. “Well, I guess if Jesus is gonna pick us a lawyer, I won’t argue that He has good taste.”
Japheth grinned, “It’s a sign, Ronald. This is how we get our radio show!”
Ronald marvelled at how, in some strange way, they had gone from basking in the lazy warmth of a lawn chair day to chasing a dreamy legal eagle handpicked by divine intervention in the form of a cloud which had now blown away; His work here clearly done.
“We need to call…” Ronald began, still eyeing the towering billboard.
“Already on it!” Japheth interrupted, unholstering his cell phone from his belt and holding it to his ear.
The ringing sounded almost triumphant until she answered a moment later, “Rebekkah! Can you meet me and Ronald at the corner of Oak and First right now? Yes, it’s very important.
We just found our lawyer!” He hung up with a dramatic snap of the clamshell shaped device and holstered it at his waist.
Ronald squinted up at the sign, reading aloud, “Weinus, Weinus, and Ware, Esquire would like to introduce our new Legal Eagle…”
“Ooo, he sounds good!” Japheth chimed in, bouncing slightly on the toes of his navy-blue Converse sneakers.
“He looks good,” Ronald added appreciatively, taking in the handsome man on the billboard’s massive face.
Japheth couldn’t pull his gaze away from the picture and let out a low whistle, “Damn… he really does. Oh Jesus! Sorry Lord. Darn… he really does.”
“Summa cum laude, McMaster University,” Ronald read from the list of credentials in a towering block of bold text on the left side of the advertisement. His eyebrows raised, clearly impressed.
“Weekend warrior jock,” Japheth noted, admiring the man’s brawny stance with his hands resting on his serrated external obliques confidently.
“I like that!” Ronald nodded, “Maybe he’ll be up for a little one on one, or two on one on the weekends!”
“Basketball?” Japheth clarified and Ronald grinned mischievously, nodding his head, “Oh, look! He’s an orphan advocate!”
“Aww!” Ronald’s heart melted a little.
“To say Micah is easy on the eyes would be like saying it drizzled when Noah built the ark,” Japheth said, shaking his head.
Ronald laughed, “Or that Daniel was in a den of kittens!”
“Good one! You remembered! Or… that the writing of the Book of Revelations may have involved the ingestion of a few psychedelics.”
Ronald blinked, unfamiliar with this particular Biblical book, “I don’t know that one.”
“Advanced Christianity,” Japheth explained with a wink. “We’ll get there. It’s all interpretation. No one understands it and anyone that tells you they do is full of fudge.”
Ronald ran his hands through his hair and rested them, fingers entwined behind his head, “Look at that barrel chest.”
“What a brawny barrister!” Japheth exclaimed, impressed by their would-be legal saviour.
“Is this one of those times we can have our cake and eat it, too?” Ronald asked with a hopeful grin.
“I’m willing to share,” Japheth offered, eyebrows wagging. “I wonder if he’s a Weinus, a Weinus, or a Ware?”
“Definitely a Ware,” Ronald said with authority, having appraised a few men in his day. “Hardware. That ain’t no Weinus.”
Suddenly, the loud screech of bike tires sliced through their reverie as Rebekkah came skidding to a stop beside them.
“I biked right over! Where is he?” she panted, clearly eager to meet their billboard beacon of hope.
Japheth pointed dramatically toward the looming billboard, “Right… up there!”
Rebekkah’s jaw dropped as she followed his gesture, “Holy Mary, mother of… that’s him?!”
“Yep,” Ronald confirmed, crossing his arms proudly. “And Jesus Himself pointed him out.”
“He’s a lawyer? But he’s… so tan, and… and shirtless?” Rebekkah asked, incredulous. Ronald and Japheth stared wide-eyed as Rebekkah scanned the largest, boldest print on the advertisement.
“I know!” Ronald exclaimed, still trying to process their good fortune himself.
Rebekkah pulled her glasses out of her purse and plopping them on her nose, squinted at the billboard, reading aloud, “McMaster… weekend warrior jock… works with orphans… Wow. Don’t judge a book by its cover, Rebekkah!
Yeash.” She cleared her throat before continuing to read, “Have you been injured in a slip-and-fall incident? Taking on new clients now… Call Micah. 1-888-AXI-DENT.”
“It’s a sign,” Japheth said, looking skyward, his hands dramatically outstretched.
“From our Big Guy in the Sky!” Ronald added, his voice equally reverent.
Japheth nodded sagely, “Micah Weinus, Weinus, or Ware… we’re ready to sign on the dotted line.”
Ronald took a deep breath, his thumb and pinky making an imaginary phone in the air, “Ready to call our new lawyer?”
Japheth’s eyes lit up, “Ready! Wait, me? You want me to call?”
“You’re the only one with a cell phone, dude,” Ronald shrugged.
“Oh, right,” Japheth acknowledged, pulling his phone out, his fingers trembling slightly.
He started punching in the numbers with the kind of deliberate focus usually reserved for bomb squad deactivation or in this case, divine intervention.
“1 8-8-8…A-X-I… D-E-N-T,” he muttered, matching each beep with his corresponding finger press, as he looked from the billboard to his dial pad, finding the corresponding letter/number combination. “It’s ringing!”
“Weinus, Weinus, and Ware,” came a voice on the other end, deep and professional.
“Esquire Micah?” Japheth squeaked, excitement barely contained.
“Yes,” the voice rumbled, then cleared his throat, lowering into an even deeper tone. “Ahem, yes. Hello. How can I be of service?”
“Sir, Esquire, Sir Micah!” Japheth started again, fumbling for the right words and unsure which honorific should be prefixed to the lamentations he laid out for their lusted-for lawyer.
“This is… my name is Japheth, and first, let me say I was very taken with… uh, I mean, very impressed with your billboard. You looked adore… adorned with, like, credentials and you fit so many attractive… um, so many appealing qualities on my, I mean, our checklist. So much magnanimous manliness… er, magnanimous manifestations of your experience and aptitude for the job. In print. Up there. On the billboard… You managed to fit a lot of appealing items into that rectangular square footage…” Japheth trailed off to everyone’s relief.
After all, this lawyer did charge by the minute as noted in the fine print which was still quite legible blown up on the billboard.
The voice on the other end of the line warmed, “Fourteen feet high by forty-eight feet long. Thank you. It was hard. To fit everything. But I’m also a graphic designer. I couldn’t fit that on the billboard, but now you know.”
Japheth’s jaw dropped. “Wow,” he whispered to Ronald and Rebekkah, his hand covering the receiver. “He’s a grapher designer, too!”
Back on the line, the man who was now clearly the most fascinating lawyer on Earth asked, “How can I help? Have you been in a slip-and-fall accident? Are you seriously hurt?”
“Uh, no,” Japheth replied, his excitement undeterred. “But, well, I’m standing in front of your billboard right now. Do you have an office close by?”
“In Manhattan?” Micah inquired smoothly.
Japheth gasped, then turned to Ronald with wide eyes, and whispered, “He has an office in Manhattan!”
“Hello?” Micah’s voice cut in, confused by the silence.
“Oh, yes, sorry Sir Micah,” Japheth recovered. “But, uh, I’m in Greater Napanee?”
“Ah, yes, the Canadian chambers,” Micah said, his voice tinged with mild regret. “Pity we can’t meet in person.”
“Pity…” Japheth repeated, nodding as though it were the worst fate imaginable.
“I’m travelling indeterminably and indefinitely with no set return to the Canadian chambers.
Most of my clients and fans understand that I’m a Dial-Up Drifter because I’ve found I truly can work efficiently and effectively from anywhere.
But I assure you that just because I’m an AWOL and AOL Adventurer, that doesn’t hinder my services.
I’m a Floppy-Disk Freelancer, so I’ll always have a copy of your records stored safely in my briefcase or mountaineering backpack. ”
“So, I’ll never actually meet you? In person?” Japheth flatly phrased, flummoxed by this new type of remote working.
“I’m here to serve and protect you. My specialty is slips and falls, but I’m sure you know that. My reputation preceding me and so forth?”
“Yes, Sir. Yes, Esquire,” Japheth tripped over his words, his mind a mush of sandcastle daydreams he hadn’t quite known he was building, suddenly eroded by reality’s tidal wave.
“Micah is fine,” Micah replied, a note of amusement in his tone. “Really, call me Micah.”
“Okay… Micah!” Japheth said, his confidence growing with the thrill of hearing himself use the man’s first name so informally and with growing familiarity.
He imagined Micah might one day invite him to call him Mic and maybe Mic would one day call him Jap in return.
And suddenly, Japheth was again busy building sandcastles in the sky.
Micah broke the spell of Japheth’s romantic rumination and continued, “I do have to make this quick, though. I have orphans to feed at four and then a good sweat on the ice at five. Hockey really helps me work out the kinks from all the legitimizing. I mean litigizing…”
“Litigating?” Japheth offered, his inner word nerd poking through.
“Yes! Litigating. And having rows with those defence lawyers. Offence is what I do. Never one to be on the bottom.”
Japheth slapped his hand over the phone again, leaning over to whisper to Ronald and Rebekkah, “Guys, he’s a legit lawyer! It’s really him!”