6. Weinus, Weinus & Ware LLC #3
“Well… Micah,” Japheth said, turning back to the phone, “I host… ow!” He yelped as Rebekkah elbowed him.
“I mean, co-host… ow!” Ronald’s elbow followed.
“I co-co-host a radio show, and my fellow co-co-hosts and I were wondering if it would be legally precarious for us to switch up lyrics on songs and sing them on our show.”
Micah’s voice was thoughtful, “Like that Weird Al guy? You mean, like that Bad song he made Fat?”
“Umm, yeah?” Japheth hesitated, not entirely familiar with Weird Al or his repertoire.
“Entertainment law isn’t my specialty,” Micah replied, unfazed. “As you know, I specialize in slips and falls and occasionally mysterious disappearances. Can you give me an example of what you’d like to do?”
“Well, sure,” Japheth said, glancing at Ronald and Rebekkah with anticipation. “We want to take sexy, salacious, or sinful lyrics from popular songs and clean them up to make them born-again bops.”
“Bops?” Micah echoed, intrigued.
“My co-co-hosts are actually with me now,” Japheth said excitedly. “It’ll be easier to understand if you give us a listen. Let me just put you on speaker… there. We’ll do the Ricky Martin one? Ready, Trinity? A one-two-three-four!”
Rebekkah, Japheth and Ronald leaned in toward the phone outstretched in Japheth’s hand and sang,
“He’ll make you take your clothes off
and get baptized in His name!
Strivin’ to live that pious life,
from red meat on Fridays, you must abstain!
Get on board this Christian train, come on!
Get your Bibles out! Livin’ la vida santo!”
LISTEN to Livin’ la Vida Santo Reprise
There was a pause, and then Micah’s voice, full of enthusiasm, came back over the line, “Okay, okay! Now that’s catchy!”
“So, what do you think?” Japheth asked, feeling a rush of adrenaline. “Any legal issues? We just really want to be sure before we start singing these covers on our new radio show, and I figured a lawyer with your, your… je ne sais quoi and expertise would know.”
“Yes. I’d know,” Micah swiftly confirmed. “Carry the one and yes, yes, this is totally legit. You have nothing to worry about Jafar.”
“It’s Japheth. Like Noah’s youngest son,” Japheth corrected kindly.
He had grown used to people mispronouncing, misspelling and generally avoiding using his name if possible.
He got a lot of ‘hey-you’. He didn’t quite understand why it was so troubling, to him it was easy and basically phonetic. JAY-Feth. *
Oh, that didn’t take you long! Great, we’re all back. Let’s begin, or rather continue…
Micah, like many before him, shrugged it off, “Greek to me.”
“Japhetic, actually, if you’re inquiring about the ethnic origins of the name? Though you’re also right Micah. There are references to the name in Hebrew, Latin and Greek! So, it can be Greek to you,” Japheth smiled to himself; he and Micah were really hitting it off.
“What radio station did you say your show is on?” Micah asked, dodging anymore dives into onomastics, as he wasn’t well studied on the subject and frankly didn’t care.
Japheth’s smile grew even wider, “WWJD! Will you be listening?”
“I’ll be faxing over your bill,” Micah replied flatly.
“Oh, right. Of course, Esquire. So, you’re going to represent us? You’re our lawyer?” Japheth asked, giddy at how relatively easy this all was, thanks to Jesus giving him the finger from the sky.
“You bet, Japet,” Micah agreed over the sound of typing, already eagerly making up his bill, emphasis on the making up.
“And if I, or we have any after-hours questions, is this the best number to reach you? 1-888-AXI-DENT? Mm-hmm. Okay, well thank you! I do hope you’ll visit your Canadian chambers soon and we can consummate this new legal union,” Japheth hung up the phone, eyes wide with disbelief.
“We have a lawyer?!” Rebekkah exclaimed, her hands flying to her mouth in excitement.
Japheth nodded, still in shock, “We have a lawyer. And he called me Japet. Which could be a cute pet name. Japet…” He tried it out a few times and found he didn’t like it. “I’ll put together a few suggestions for him. Oh! Should we call Emma-Lou, Carrington, and Suwarna?”
Rebekkah was already bouncing in place, “Yes, they’ll be dying to know. Eek! Sorry, bad choice of words.”
Japheth, still grinning, pulled out his cell phone again and started dialling. His fingers moved quickly across the keypad, the beeps sounding almost musical in their urgency.
The phone rang at WWJD radio station, and Carrington, ever the sharp receptionist, picked up almost immediately, there being very few calls to answer in a day, “WWJD, What Would Jesus Do? And what can I do for you today?”
Japheth didn’t waste a second, “Carrington! It’s Trinity. We have news.”
Carrington’s voice perked up, “Is it good?”
“We bring good news!” Japheth announced, practically buzzing with excitement.
“Tidings of comfort and joy!” Rebekkah chimed in, sing-songing the words with her usual flair.
Carrington clicked their tongue, the tone of their voice shifting to professional intrigue, “I’ll patch through to Emma-Lou. Please hold.” The line went quiet for a moment and then an aggressive, almost menacing Gregorian chant blasted through the phone’s speaker.
After a few ominous bars of chanting, Emma-Lou picked up; her voice as no-nonsense as ever, “Emma-Lou Burns…”
The intercom buzzed, and Suwarna’s voice cut in before Emma-Lou could say anything further, “I’m here, too. I thought you’d want the head of HR on this call.”
Emma-Lou sighed audibly, “Suwarna, are you on all of my calls?”
Suwarna responded calmly and carefully, like she was placating a child, “For your own… safety. We can’t be too cautious. Especially considering your possible disappearance.”
Emma-Lou let out an exasperated sigh, her tone softening just a little, “Oh! Good thinking!”
Suwarna’s voice broke through again, “Japheth, Ronald, Rebekkah, I understand you bring tidings of comfort and joy?”
Carrington, never one to miss a beat, jumped in with a teasing edge, “Suwarna, are you on all my calls, too?”
“Not all your calls, Carrington,” Suwarna replied smoothly. “I’d never get all my other work done. Half the time, you don’t pick up, and the calls just go to voicemail, so I’d say the other half of the calls, the ones you do pick up, yes, I’m monitoring them. For your safety.”
“Thank… you?” Carrington muttered, sounding less than thrilled. “I’m sweating right through my silk. Don’t keep us in suspense! Is Emma-Lou going to die or not? Sorry, disappear? Is one worse?”
Emma-Lou let out an exaggerated groan, “One is definitely worse, Carrington! One is immediate, and the other just drags on. Japheth, I could use that good news.”
Japheth took a deep breath, his chest puffing up slightly with pride, “Hi Emma-Lou. Without further ado, we have an open runway and an all-clear from a real legal eagle to boot-up our radio show and take Trinity to the airwaves!”
Emma-Lou’s voice cut through, her tone brightening, “And you can make Christian covers?”
Japheth’s grin widened, “We can steal and sample for the Lord!”
There was a commotion as Rebekkah eagerly snatched the phone from Japheth, “Yes! We’re totally good to go.
Micah, our lawyer who is literally dressed in credentials, said it’s all legit.
Well, he wasn’t literally dressed. He was shirtless, but there were a lot of credentials. So, Christian covers, here we come!”
There was a pause on the other end, and then the buzz of Suwarna’s intercom in the background. She chimed in, sharp as ever, “Hold up. Shirtless lawyer? Did I miss something?”
There was a pause as that sunk in, and then Carrington let out a low whistle, “Well, hallelujah. This Monday morning just got interesting.”
Suwarna pressed forward, clinical and composed, “As head of HR, I’ll need his contact info, purely for verification purposes of his… credentials as you say. Shirtlessness aside, we’re not taking any legal chances.”
Emma-Lou drew in a breath, as though bracing for impact, “So, we’re really doing this, aren’t we? If there’s nothing standing in our way, Trinity is going to go live on WWJD. And the sooner the better.”
“To avoid any disappearances,” Suwarna agreed.
Japheth leaned in, taking the phone back from Rebekkah, “Absolutely, Emma-Lou. We have an open runway, no legal turbulence, and Trinity’s about to take flight. We’ve even got the blessing of Jesus Himself. He, uh, pointed us to the billboard!”
The line went quiet for a moment.
Emma-Lou’s voice returned, softened with what sounded like cautious relief or perhaps resignation, “Well, I’m glad we have legal clearance. But remember, this must work, you guys. If you believe in you, then I believe in you, too. No pressure.”
“None taken!” Japheth said cheerily. “I mean, pressure just makes diamonds, right?”
“Or it bursts pipes,” Carrington interjected dryly.
“We’re the diamond type,” Japheth assured, his voice full of confidence.
Emma-Lou allowed herself a laugh, and her voice was coloured with more hope than resignation, “Okay, Trinity. I’ll call the radio station’s lawyer, and we’ll get the paperwork for your contracts ready.”
Carrington’s voice followed with a mischievous tone, “And for the record, I’d like your lawyer’s number, too, for my Rolodex. You know, just in case we need further… representation.”
“Consider it done,” Japheth earnestly nodded into the phone. “Hold on, Rebekkah is tugging my sleeve.”
“Hi all, it’s Rebekkah again!” she said excitedly. “Here’s what we’re thinking for the Trinity Radio Hour. We’ll feature borrowed music, banter, and real-life stuff, like the brazen adventures of our throuple that’s no longer a couple.”
Japheth quickly grabbed the phone back from Rebekkah, his voice a little more composed, “But be not afraid! As we take the radio waves by storm, gathering the lambs to His flock, we’re gonna be broadcaster friendly, too.”