Chapter 8
Eight
Jaclyn
I toss and turn in bed before slowly waking up. Hayden’s side of the bed is empty and cold but it still smells like him, confirming he did sleep here last night.
I turn and stare up at the ceiling for a long minute, jaw clenched and breath held. Even though the fight was last night I feel like we haven’t had a proper conversation for a while, like we’re not even close to being connected like the way we were before.
No doubt the blood on his hands came from one of Killian’s victims but I don’t know what’s going on and why Hayden won’t communicate with me anymore.
I’m trying to go through all the recent memories of Hayden and I to figure out how we got to this point and what changed.
I force myself up and to shower, washing away all of the overthinking and the dangerous thoughts running through my brain.
When I’m done I throw on leggings and one of Hayden’s baggy sweaters.
His scent makes the ache in my stomach stronger but I ignore it.
I pass by River’s room and see that she’s still sleeping. Her cheeks are flushed and her curls are in a tangled mess. Drool is falling from her parted lips as she snores.
It’s about 9 in the morning so I’m surprised that she is still asleep. She usually wakes up around the same time as the boys because of all the noise they make in the morning.
Downstairs, the boys are already gone.
Hayden must’ve taken them to school this morning.
I make myself coffee and eat the pancake that Hayden left for me. There is one also set aside for River.
I silently eat breakfast with my phone face down on the counter.
There was no text or call from Hayden.
An hour goes by and River wakes up crying. So I rush upstairs to her. I hold her against my waist and rock her, trying to calm her down.
“You’re okay baby. Looks like it’s just me and you today again.” I smile and kiss the side of her head.
She clings onto me as I go downstairs to the kitchen. I put River in her chair and heat up her pancake while also heating up a bottle of milk for her.
River babbles about everything and anything while she makes a mess as per usual.
Easton and Junior weren’t this messy when they were babies. River is definitely my wild child out of my kids but I love her and her mess.
“What do you wanna do today, baby?” I ask before opening the fridge. “We can go grocery shopping and maybe buy some stuff for the kitchen?” I ask her as if she’ll answer me.
A little sunshine and fresh air would be good for us instead of just staying in the house all day.
After River is done with her breakfast I give her a quick bath and put on a cute little outfit for her to wear.
While I grab my purse and keys she walks around, touching everything she can in the hallway.
Ever since she started walking, all she’s been doing is wanting to walk around and reach up to touch things.
I grab my diaper bag for River, since she is still potty training, and some snacks in case she gets hungry.
I buckle her in her carseat in the X6 M.
Usually I take this car whenever we or I go out with River since this is the only car with a carseat for her.
We could put her in the M4 but because that car is a coupe it’s a little difficult.
When we get to the grocery store, it doesn’t look that packed, thank God. I grab River out of her carseat and put her in the cart. River hums to herself while chewing her snacks.
She was already demanding more food when we were on our way to the store probably because she wasn't even eating breakfast. She was more like throwing it all over the floor.
We didn’t need much from the grocery store. Just a few snacks, fruits, and fresh produce.
River points to all kinds of snacks she wants and even sees a dinosaur stand that is advertising some cereal. “Rawr!” she yells before giggling, like it’s the funniest thing in the world.
I smile down at her even though that smile doesn’t reach my eyes. I try though, for her and for the rest of my family to pretend that things are okay between me and Hayden even though things aren’t.
As I look through the fresh produce my phone in my pocket buzzes. For a second I think it might be Hayden until I see Rowan’s name pop up on the caller ID.
I hesitate for a moment before answering. “Hey.”
“Hey.” His voice was familiar, reminding me of Hayden’s voice. “You sound tired.”
I don’t talk to Rowan much unless it’s about Hayden. You can tell that Rowan really cares for his family, especially Hayden since he is the youngest sibling in his biological family.
Over the years Hayden has grown closer with his biological siblings while also still making time for the family that raised him over the years. Sometimes Alex and Carter will visit with Natalia and Chris.
“I am,” I admit.
“Hayden?”
“Who else?” I try to laugh but it comes out dry. “He’s back to disappearing again. Late nights with blood on his hands. Vague answers. I’m trying to be patient and let him finish his job but I’m starting to feel like I’m married to a ghost.”
“I know. I’m trying to talk to him about this but he isn’t answering my calls.” Rowan sighs over the phone. “Have you talked to him?”
“I did but he just shuts down and avoids it. We had a huge fight last night because he came home late with blood on his hands and shirt. I have no clue what I’m supposed to do.”
“He always had a habit of shutting people out when shit gets heavy, especially you, since he never wants to worry you or make you scared because of your guys’ past. He’s not shutting you out because he doesn’t love you, that would never be the case.
But, he thinks he’s protecting you by not pulling you in. ”
“I was in the moment I met him. He shouldn’t push me away or shut me out, that’s just what made things worse between us. I just want the truth and for things to go back to normal. I want Hayden to be home and spend time with me and the kids.”
“You’re right. I told him this when he started helping Killian again.
I told him to remember that he has a family to come home to every single night and to not take it for granted.
That’s why I’m pulling away because I have Jane and the kids I need to worry about.
I need to focus on protecting my family.
” Rowan’s voice softens. “He thinks he’s protecting you by keeping you out of it and pushing his problems away from you but he needs a reason to stop. ”
“I’m not going to give up.”
“That’s good. If you were, then you wouldn’t be talking to me about it while spending the day with your daughter.
” I smile a little as I push the cart around the store.
“He’s not cheating on you,” Rowan says, almost like he needs me to hear it.
“I know that’s not where your head went but if it did, don’t let it stay there. ”
“I know, I never thought he was but it feels like he is whenever he is gone and not paying attention to me and the kids. I’m starting to feel invisible to him.”
Rowan pauses for a while before saying. “He loves you. He’s just scared of losing you and sometimes fear makes him do stupid shit.”
I nod even though he can’t see me.
“Mommy, look!” River points to something and I smile at her while nodding my head.
“Thanks for calling, Rowan.”
“Always. You love and care about my brother. You’re considered my family too. Call me if you need anything. I’m going to talk to Hayden.”
We get off the phone as River starts to whine about me not giving her attention.
She’s just like me.
Maybe Hayden is scared but so am I.
I’m scared of losing the man I’ve loved since college and that he’s slowly starting to fade into the background and I won’t be able to get him back.