Chapter 55
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
PHOENIX
Despite my thundering heart, I keep my breathing steady.
I can’t afford to lose my shit.
Not right now.
Goose bumps rise all over my skin at the looming presence behind me. It radiates cold, raging power. One that makes me shiver. I’m not imagining things after all. This, whatever this is, is actually happening.
The presence remains behind me for a while, breathing down my neck. It feels like it’s waiting for me to see something, something I keep refusing. The urge to run away screaming is overwhelming. It takes everything in me not to give in.
Suddenly, the presence shifts and moves to my left. It’s so close I can feel its touch on my cheek as it passes and settles in front of me.
My eyes are wide open, yet I can’t see anything. I can only sense the powerful presence, the airy and cool touch of it on my cheeks each time it breathes.
I blink.
When I open my eyes, a mist appears out of nowhere. Slowly, the white tendrils swirl and weave together, becoming brighter. It hurts my eyes to look at it after being in the dark for so long. I blink into the light, but even with my eyes open, I can’t tell what I’m supposed to see.
A low, cool voice inside my mind says, You believe you’re worthy of ruling.
It’s a question, but it also isn’t.
The presence is speaking to me in my mind. Can it read my thoughts, too?
I see every corner of your being, every inch of your soul, every side of your mind. I see things even you don’t see.
I snort. Then you know the answer.
But do you?
The question makes me pause. Do I want to rule? I’m not sure, but I say, Sure, I want to rule. I don’t know if I’m worthy. Is anyone?
A pleasant laugh echoes in my mind. The mist grows brighter, stronger. A figure forms inside the white smoke. A few heartbeats later, a young woman materializes in front of me.
She has long auburn hair weaving down her shoulders and back, just like mine. Her features are determined, yet soft and feminine. The wide hazel eyes are stark.
Those are my eyes.
I don’t know why it takes so long for me to process it. They’re my mom’s hazel eyes looking at me. I got them from her. All of my sisters did. The only thing you got from me is your eyes and those legs. Everything else comes from your father, especially that attitude.
Tears burn the back of my eyes, and I cover my mouth with both of my hands to stop the sob tearing through my lips.
For a heartbeat, something else flickers inside me, a feeling of home so sharp it guts me.
I miss my mom so much it hurts to breathe, to exist. To have her stand in front of me, oh so close, is so painful.
Before I get lost in the pain of my grief, the voice is my head says, Everyone who comes here thinks they deserve to rule.
It’s my mom’s shape in front of me. But the voice in my mind is not hers. It’s something else entirely.
I open my mouth to speak, but I’m unable to form words. My tongue and the muscles in my mouth don’t remember anymore how to move to pronounce syllables. I swallow the panic rising in my throat.
I don’t think I deserve anything. I’m here because this is the path I must walk. My only choice.
Another chuckle in my mind. A shiver goes down my back. Invisible claws stroke my mind, light as a feather. But the unspoken threat lingers.
There is always a choice, child. So many paths one may choose to embark on.
I swear I’m not imagining things. My mom’s gaze fills with pain. My heart drops. I try to pick it up, but it’s too heavy.
Agonizing screams fill the darkness, and I’m in physical pain. I shut my eyes and bite my tongue, hoping it will go away if I sit still and endure.
I recognize those screams immediately.
I could never forget them. I have lived through them. Those are the screams that welcome me every time I close my eyes, trying to sleep at night. They haunt my dreams.
The foreign voice in my mind is amused. You had a choice. You made your choice.
When I peel my eyes open, there is another face in front of me. Same hazel eyes, identical features to mine. Fane. I never had trouble identifying my identical triplet sisters because Fane had a scar on her brow from that fight we had when we were five that ended with blood and tears. Lots of them.
As if Fane can read my mind, she smiles.
My chest twists in pain at that smile. It’s been so long since I’ve seen it.
My dear Fane. I’m so sorry. I reach out a hand, trying to touch her cheek.
But it goes through her. The ache in my chest feels like longing, not vengeance, and that terrifies me more than the screams.
It’s not real.
None of this is real.
It’s not my mom.
It’s not my triplet sister.
It’s the damn presence, whoever—whatever—the fuck is speaking in my mind.
What the fuck do you want?
Another chuckle.
Fane’s eyes glitter with mischief and her face loses all the familiarity, all the warmth. It twists into something dark and sinister. I want to move away from her, but I’m rooted in place. I have no control over my physical body.
I want you to see what you already know but refuse to name.
This, whoever it is, can see right through me. It knows things about me…
Don’t try lying or scheming your way out of this, child. Some try, and oh…how fun it is for me. Not so fun for them, though.
I bristle. If you already know what’s in my heart, then why don’t you just get it over with and finish your judgment of me.
The presence hums inside my mind with pleasure. The sweet scent of untamed rage is my favorite.
I can’t help how I feel.
I know I should, but in this moment, every emotion feels so raw.
Fane’s face fades into the darkness. Once more, I’m alone in the dark with the invisible force invading my mind, heart, and soul.
Tell me, what is the true intention of your heart, Phoenix Wildarrow? Before I can answer, it adds, I already know the answer. Do you?
Of course I know. You’ve seen it, too. My one and only desire is claiming vengeance for my family’s death.
It’s the wrong answer. But it’s my truth.
The ugly truth, the only thing that matters to me. The truth for which I’ll do anything, sacrifice anyone.
An entitled brat who uses everyone she can to get ahead. Kazh was right. That’s why her words cut so deep.
I’m not worthy to be the next Ezkai General, I know it better than anyone.
Yet, I want it still.
The presence scoffs. The scent of regret is bitter. You’re wrong, but you’re right.
I’m confused. What the fuck does that mean?
A cackle in my mind makes me shiver. You’re right. You’re not worthy. Not yet. You’re wrong. About the true intention of your heart.
I’m baffled. How can I be wrong about my intentions and desires when that’s all I’ve been thinking about all this time?
Desire for revenge is the only thing that keeps me going. It’s the reason I went through all the trouble of escaping Wetra, graduating from the Ezkai Academy, and joining the Order of Ezkai.
I’m so lost.
Your relentless passion and resilience can be your superpower. Or it can be your downfall. Which one will it be, Phoenix Wildarrow?
I don’t understand. How can you say revenge is not what I truly desire?
The voice purrs in my mind. Because I see all. I’m not blinded by mortality, by the mundane. I ask again—what is the true intention of your heart?
I don’t know! I scream at the presence in my mind. I already told you what I know!
It tsks and it makes me want to recoil. After a pause, it asks, Would you like to know, though?
The question makes me pause and wonder. If revenge for my family is not the true intention of my heart, and I have no clue what is…shouldn’t I want to figure it out?
But what if that means leaving vengeance behind? I’m not ready to do that.
Of course the presence hears the dialogue in my mind. It chuckles, thoroughly amused by my inner struggle.
Child, child, child, it purrs. You got it all wrong. Desire for vengeance is your fuel. It can be your superpower, or your downfall. You choose. Which one will it be?
Nothing this thing says makes fucking sense.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath to try and tame the anger, the frustration that rises inside me. When I peel my eyes open, I’m startled. If I still had my voice, I’d scream.
In front of me is a creature like none I’ve ever seen. The body of a massive black snake with the face of a beautiful young man. Jax. Familiar mischief flickers in his dark gaze. A corner of his mouth curves up and the voice in my head says, Play with me.
Amm…uhh, what does that mean?
I’m not sure I want to know.
Let’s play a game. It’s called This or That, it tells me inside my mind. The rules are simple. I give you two choices, and you choose.
I don’t think I have a choice whether I want to play or not.
The presence chuckles. You always have a choice, child. As long as you don’t mind the consequences that come with that choice.
Okay, okay. Let’s play this game.
Very well. First choice: the cold wind of the mountains or hot sun of the desert.
Hmm. Before I lived in Ekios, I would have said the hot sun of the desert, but now…
The cold wind of the mountains, I say and my answer surprises me.
Cold wind carries echoes of a place where I once felt safe.
The chuckle turns into a purr and goose bumps rise all over my skin. Interesting. Second choice: a bird in your hand, or a dusk tiger in the forest?
Spirits of the gods know what on earth this means…but even if I don’t fully grasp the meaning behind each choice, my intuition reaches for things that survive in packs, things that move together. I choose a dusk tiger in the forest.
Mmmm….Fun. Third choice: knowing the true intention of your heart, or losing the trial?
Is this motherfucker for real?
Of course knowing the true intention of my heart!
Truth always demands a price, child.
Jax’s face fades away. Daegel’s face appears instead. My heart skips a beat. For a split second, the feeling hits me. Warmth, safety…a place to rest. Then it’s gone.
Something in the way he looks at me makes me feel…odd. Once he may have been home, but we’re not who we were any longer.
Are you certain about your choice, Phoenix Wildarrow? If yes…tick-tock, your time is almost up. What is it that your heart desires?
My pulse spikes. Adrenaline courses through me as I scramble to come up with the answer. The truth is, I have no clue. I don’t even know where to begin.
All this time, I thought the only thing I want is revenge. But this creature tells me it’s not true…
How can that be? How can I not know myself?
Facing the truth is sometimes harder than meeting death.
The creature inside my mind starts to fade away.
Tick-tock, around the clock.
No, no, no. Please.
It continues to blur, though. It’s slipping away from my mind. It doesn’t have to say it, I know what it means.
I’m about to lose the Trial of Truth.
I swallow. PLEASE! I want to win, and I will do whatever you want me to do. Don’t go, don’t go. Tell me what I can do to win. I’ll do anything!
Silence stretches between us.
I don’t feel the presence in my mind, but it’s still in front of me. Not yet completely disappeared.
Suddenly, the air shimmers and becomes bright. The presence cocks its head as it surveys me. It’s back in my mind.
The presence purrs, the voice in my mind soft and lulling. If you refuse to face your truth, then walk blind into it.
I have no clue what those words mean. Desperation coils in my lungs like smoke.
I’ll do anything to pass this trial. Tell me how can I find out and I’ll do it. Whatever it takes.
I hate the way my voice sounds as I beg.
Every truth has its price. Every desire its cost. The more you deny yours, the steeper it becomes.
I’ll pay. Whatever it costs. I told you, I’ll do whatever it takes to win.
A beat of silence, then: Because you refused your truth, the price is set: one hundred souls. You will walk this path whether you wish it or not. And only through darkness will your true desire become undeniable.
The laugh that echoes in my mind is terrifying.
My stomach drops. Ice floods my veins.
I sense I may have made a grave mistake.
But there is no way back now.
Daegel’s face in front of me twists as an unnatural smile spreads across his features. It’s all sharp teeth and danger. It whispers words into my mind, I know that. Yet, I can’t comprehend any. Each word slips past and away from me.
Darkness that surrounds me presses into me, and it hurts. When I can’t take the pressure any longer, I open my mouth to scream. No sound leaves my lips. Instead, the darkness pours inside me through my mouth, nose, and ears.
It fills every part of me I refused to face.
I can’t breathe.
A sinister laugh echoes in my mind, and finally I can make sense of the last words whispered in my mind. Phoenix Wildarrow, the voice croons, Lorca deems you…worthy.