Chapter 21
The days leading up to Christmas and Mav and Nina’s wedding passed in a blur.
Sierra lost herself in everything that needed to be done.
She worked from sunup to sundown, often skipping lunch – if Benji didn’t bring her a sandwich or force her to take a ten-minute break to pick up something at the restaurant.
At night, she went home with him. They loved each other long into the night, making up for stolen time, and then slept in each other’s arms, holding on like lovers who understood that their time together was measured.
While Nina, Markus, and Poppy set up the Christmas tree and decorated the ranch house for the holidays, Sierra oversaw Lucas and Deb while they did the same at the resort and surrounding buildings.
The resort’s customary trio of Christmas trees, one in the lobby, one in the restaurant, and one twenty-foot one outside at the Wagon Train, were set up, garlands were threaded through staircase bannisters, and decorations were liberally placed throughout all the buildings.
Even the barn, with its dark wooden stalls, concrete floors and black, iron accents had been decorated.
A small Christmas tree had been set up outside.
Tinsel had been interwoven and strategically placed out of reach of curious horses – in the wrought-iron frames of the light fixtures and above the barn door.
While Christmas day was their quietest day of the year, the weeks leading up to Christmas were their busiest. Guests came from all over the world to enjoy what Hunt Ranch had to offer: chilly trail rides, blanket-covered sleigh rides, and a healthy mix of holiday activities and parties.
Locals joined in too, often stopping by for a particularly festive event or to spoil themselves at the restaurant before their own families started piling into town for the occasion.
Although she knew that it would still take them well into the first quarter to recover financially from the previous year, it eased Sierra’s heart to see the holidays burst through her accounting spreadsheets.
Before, Christmas had always been Sierra’s favourite time of year.
It didn’t matter how stressed everyone was, it was as if, over the holidays, people just decided to get along, to have fun despite their differences.
Strangers smiled at you on the sidewalk.
Everyone was festive and excited. Except for last Christmas, when she’d been too encased in grief to enjoy anything let alone remember it, Sierra lived for the holidays.
This Christmas season, she had started to feel some of that old joy sneaking in again, and even though she couldn’t focus much on it, it felt good to have some respite from that hollow space she’d forced her mind and heart to occupy for so long.
On Christmas morning, the morning of the wedding, she woke up at five a.m. spooned in front of Benji – and the first thing she did was smile sleepily and snuggle back into his warmth. There was no grief or anger just then, only peace and the sense that she was exactly where she was meant to be.
His arms tightened around her. He nuzzled her neck, whispered, ‘Good morning, Sierra,’ in that deep, sleep-filled voice.
‘Morning.’
‘Merry Christmas.’
‘Merry Christmas.’
‘You ready for this wedding?’ he asked. ‘You’ve been working so hard.’
‘I am. Nina’s been weirdly easy-going. Markus and I have basically made all the decisions for her.’
‘I think after what they’ve been through, the wedding probably feels like a formality for them.’
‘Yeah.’ Sierra thought about that. She imagined that after the terror of the past six months, from Nina’s assault to Mav being shot, wedding planning felt a little silly to stress over.
‘That’s a really good way to put it. It’s not because she doesn’t know what she likes when she sees it.
It’s because she’s put so little thought into it that when she’s faced with more than one option, she panics. ’
‘I saw the flowers in the resort’s walk-in fridge yesterday; it’ll be beautiful.’
‘It will be,’ Sierra replied confidently. She had, after all, made sure of it.
With Christmas, the wedding, and everything else they had to do on her mind, she regretfully wriggled out of Benji’s arms and climbed out of bed. The chilly morning prickled along her naked skin, making her shiver. ‘It’s freezing.’
She turned to remind Benji what he needed to do in preparation for the wedding and then just stopped when she saw him. He was lounging in her bed, his arm bent behind his head, his abs flexed, his green eyes, dark with all those unspoken things, drinking her in.
She didn’t have to ask him what he was thinking about. She could see the lust in his eyes and felt her own desire bloom in response. Instead of being serious and saying something to woo her, he waggled his eyebrows comically.
Sierra giggled, and the sound was girlish and free. She took a flying leap and landed on the bed next to him, and when his hands found her hips and tugged, she went willingly, flopping on top of him.
Benji’s laugh skittered down her spine.
His big hand wrapped around her nape and pulled, bringing her in for a kiss. And even though she had things to do, even though she knew she was making herself late, Sierra didn’t resist. She returned it, sinking into him even as his hands settled on her naked ass and squeezed.
He pulled back first, and Sierra’s smile faltered when she looked down and into his suddenly serious expression. She brushed his eyebrow with her thumb. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘I’m so happy. I feel like it can’t last.’
Sierra knew the feeling exactly. And still, she thought that maybe Benji had more experience in such matters. He had had to fight for every inch of his own happiness since he was a little boy, with a father who couldn’t have cared less and a mother who couldn’t step up for him.
She wouldn’t say it, but she had felt him withdraw into himself since he’d spoken to Silas and cut off both his parents.
And although he was hurting, she thought it might be more too, more of that old insecurity in him.
And because it – he – astounded her, she summoned some courage, and she gave him more of herself than she’d allowed over the past year.
‘I’m scared too. But this is where we’re meant to be, Benji. ’
His grin spread slowly, but it was achingly bright. ‘Fuck yeah, it is.’
Sierra didn’t wait for him to say anything more. She rested her head over his heart, giving comfort. ‘Thank you for waiting for me. I love you. And I admire the man you are.’
‘Don’t thank me – not for that. We’re fated, Sierra.’ Benji’s chest flexed beneath her as he leaned forward to kiss the top of her head. His big hands ran down her naked back, soothing.
‘We are,’ she promised.
He stilled beneath her. His hands on her back stopped moving, and even though she’d meant the words, she also worried that she’d said too much.
She didn’t want to withhold her love from him, and she didn’t want to come back to him with caveats, but she also wanted him to understand that she still needed time to find her new normal.
And she didn’t know how long that would take – if ever.
But Benji didn’t push. He just repeated, ‘We are.’
Sierra hopped up before he could say more. ‘I better get going. I can get an hour of wedding prep in before Poppy wakes up for Christmas presents.’ She looked down at her watch. ‘Probably.’
Benji nodded, but Sierra didn’t miss the uncertainty in his eyes. As if he wanted to ask her what she’d meant or, maybe, what she was prepared to give him.
Fuelled by that old, constant panic, Sierra didn’t give him the chance. ‘Do you have your list of things to do?’
Benji saw the diversion, but he smiled anyway. ‘Yes.’
‘If you lose it, let me know. I took pictures, and I can re-send it—’
‘Sierra.’ When she looked at him distractedly, he laughed. ‘Go. I’ve got you. Everything will be done.’
And Sierra didn’t question it. If Benji said he’d do something, he would do it. Always. And to the best of his ability. ‘Thanks.’ She hurried through to the bathroom to change, and right before she shut the door, she shouted, ‘Love you!’ and it was casual.
It was light.
It was instinctual.
It was like Before.
While Sierra hurried to get a few wedding things done before the family gathered on Christmas morning, Benji went and fetched Poppy’s gift from the barn.
He’d first sensed that it was time for her to have her own horse when she’d been so determined to do everything by herself during their ride together. And, even then, he’d had to convince Mav, who wanted Poppy to have her own horse as much as he wanted everything to slow down just a little bit.
They’d talked and had agreed that they’d do it if they found the right horse. Together, they had gone to look at a few that were listed for sale.
It had been on the drive that Mav had laughingly said, ‘How are we supposed to compete with your gift giving when you always buy the girls goddamn horses?’
Benji had reminded him, ‘Your dad gave me Diablo.’
‘That was different,’ Mav had insisted. ‘You were twenty-eight. And you’d been working at the ranch without your own horse since we graduated high school. And Diablo is a Mustang. What’s the BLM adoption fee? Like two hundred and fifty dollars?’
Benji’s heart had clenched at the memory. ‘It wasn’t the money. It was the year of training your dad and I put on him before he gave Diablo to me.’
He couldn’t explain the feeling to Mav, who had been raised with a barn full of horses to choose from, what it had felt like when James Hunt had turned to him and said, ‘He’s yours, Benji,’ as Diablo had followed him like a dog in the round pen.