Chapter 25 Much More Drastic #2
She wanted to turn and watch his face while he talked, but he wouldn’t want her to.
He’d shut the light when he’d gotten back in bed, so it wasn’t as if she could see much anyway.
“Aside from the carelessness, you probably got along well, being cocky yourself.”
“Ford made a comment like that,” he said. “Colin was a good kid. But he took too much for granted. He was reckless. Put himself in harm’s way more than he should have.”
“Did he die?”
“He did.”
“Because he was reckless?”
“No,” he said. “He had demons. I guess we all do. His had more to do with not being perfect.”
She didn’t like where this was going. “He committed suicide, didn’t he?”
“Yes.”
Her hand was rubbing his arm. “And you’re blaming yourself because you think you should have noticed what no one else had?”
“A lot of us felt the same way,” he said. “Colin was good at hiding it. I reconciled that part of it as best I could.”
“Then what haven’t you reconciled?”
“He put himself in danger one night. Then went out and got drunk the following night celebrating. He felt if the mission was successful, it didn’t matter how it was done.”
Clay would never believe that. “That’s not true.”
“It’s not. You learn from everything, but Colin never did. He’s out drinking, running his mouth to people. Slipped and said something he shouldn’t have and it got back to our commanding officer. He was benched.”
“Yikes,” she said. “And he spiraled from that?”
“No. Or he was internally, but still going out and acting like he was right and the wrong was against him. I’d seen him out and gave him shit. He’d looked up to me like an older brother. For some reason, he listened when I said things more than others.”
“Because you wouldn’t yell, but tell him the way it was.”
“Yeah. He said I was the no bullshit guy on the team,” he said.
She smiled. That was how she thought of Clay Ridgeway. He said it the way it was, take it or leave it.
She was choosing to take it.
“I like you that way.”
“You didn’t before I got in your pants.”
“Don’t distract me,” she said, snuggling in some. His arm tightened slightly to hold her still. “You’ve come this far. You need to finish for you as much as for me.”
He kissed her head. Those soft actions she rarely saw coming always warmed her heart.
“I gave him a bunch of shit. Not yelling, but got in his face and told him the way he was acting was exactly why he got benched. He needed to be humble, not cocky. He needed to take orders and not give them. Not yet. If he could get it together, he’d be able to give orders himself at some point.”
“He had what it took to be a leader?”
“I don’t know. He thought he did. He was young. He had a lot to learn though.”
“Everyone has to learn.”
“That night he went home and took his life. With his own gun. Not his military issued one. He’d never want to tarnish that.
He came from a long line of Navy SEALs. We knew it.
He bragged. What we didn’t know was that he’d had so many expectations put on his shoulders.
I added to it that night. I was the last one to see him. The last one to talk to him.”
Oh boy.
“And you think what you said caused him to take his life?”
“How could I not?”
“Because one conversation rarely causes that. It’s accumulations of events in a person’s life.
Things none of you saw or knew. You have no idea if your conversation did it.
Maybe he talked to his family after you.
Maybe he saw something on the news that triggered it.
Or could have been shot down by a woman.
You’re thinking awfully high of yourself. ”
“You’re trying to insult me,” he said.
“No. I’m telling you the truth. You’re putting weight on your back you don’t need to. You don’t know what he was thinking. What was going through his head? Nothing. Did he leave a note?”
“No,” he said. “We found out later that he’d had it rough at home. His parents were fighting at the funeral. Many overheard his mother blaming Colin’s father.”
“No one wants that on their shoulders. Maybe his father found out he was benched and gave him crap too. That he was a disappointment. Clay, let that toxic stuff go. It’s not healthy for you or anyone around you. Do you think your parents haven’t noticed it?”
“They have. For years. I hate that.”
“But it didn’t stop you from feeling this way. Why now after all this time did you open up to Ford? To me? I’m just curious.”
“So you can think more of yourself?”
She wouldn’t be hurt by those words. She heard the lightness in them. He was trying to joke, even if it wasn’t funny.
“We all want to feel big at some point.”
“I don’t know,” he said, his shoulders shrugged. “Not the exact moment. But I thought of what you’re going through. What you did when you found out about Fredrick? The things that have followed. You’re going on with life with no one knowing.”
“That’s not good either,” she said. “I had my breakdown last weekend.”
“And it led to this. So maybe it’s not a bad thing to let it out.”
If it was possible to fall in love with a person in a moment, she might have done it.
What he’d held in for two years, he’d told her as if she’d inspired him.
Never, in a million years, did she think she’d be someone to have an impact like that on a man’s life.
It was what she’d always wanted, but didn’t think it would happen.
“Not if the person you’re sharing it with will be there with you,” she whispered.
He kissed her on the head one more time, then rolled over.
They both had some thinking to do.