13. Maritza
THIRTEEN
MARITZA
Evenings on the porch sipping tea with Hollis and Dillon are peaceful. I’m comfortable.
More than I care to admit.
I keep telling myself to stop this. We are all getting into a routine and it’s not going to be healthy for Hollis when the time comes to find a new normal.
Alas, all good things must come to an end. As much as playing house seems nice in theory, it is not helping any of us for the long term. I’ve been staying here most nights until Hollis goes to bed since we returned from Florida. He is coping with the loss of his mother and the trauma of watching so much unfold. He can’t seem to sleep unless he knows I’m here and still alive. Once he’s sleeping heavy, I intend to go home. The thing is I keep falling asleep on the futon in his room. Dillon doesn’t want to wake me, so I end up spending the night.
I wish I could take the pain away for Hollis and Dillon. Watching his son struggle I can see the hurt in Dillon’s eyes that he can’t fix this. There is nothing any of us can do but give it time and be a support system. I found a therapist for Hollis that specializes in childhood grief counseling. It seems to be helping for him to have this outlet to release everything he feels from the guilt of my injury to the betrayal of his mother and ultimately her death. If only there was a magic wand to wipe away the hurt he feels. I would give anything for that, but I can’t and as much as Dillon wants to fix it, he can’t either.
Dillon is a temptation. The way he cares for his son and me, it’s easy to stay around. The more I’m in Dillon’s personal space, the more I crave the small touches. They happen more often the longer I’m around. Little things, a hug from behind if I’m in the kitchen, draping his arm over my shoulders if we are on the couch beside each other. Like now, he lifts his beer, takes a pull, all with his right hand. His left is firmly resting on my thigh.
Casual.
Comfortable.
Dangerous to my heart. The man beside me is hard to read at times, but loyal to a fault. He never left me once he arrived in Florida. As I lay in the dingy hotel bed having a stranger dig out the bullet, the fragments, and eventually removing a section of my intestine, he stayed right outside the door with Hollis. I didn’t know it at the time, obviously. My dad made it down with some other brothers by the time I really came to after surgery. Dillon could have taken Hollis back here and left me with my dad. I was stable, just needed to run the course of heavy antibiotics and get checked as the staples healed.
He didn’t.
Instead, he sent my dad back home to help my mom who really doesn’t travel much as she is still easily fatigued.
Dillon stayed.
Until I was healthy enough for him to bring me home, he remained firmly where I was.
Was the hotel room an ideal place for surgery? No, but I had lost too much blood, and the doctor was concerned about the internal damage. With any break down of the intestinal wall there is a huge risk for sepsis. The heavy antibiotics pumped into me kept me in Florida for an additional two weeks beyond what Dia or Emmalee needed. Dillon refused to leave me. While I expected him to take Hollis home, it was like everything stood still for us until I was in the clear.
Healing is an interesting thing.
Not the physical, but the emotional.
Never did I think Anna Jacoby would shoot me. Not for one second did I ever feel like my life would in any way be in danger around her. In fact, I actually cared for the woman. We had a unique dynamic. She was a part of my world whether either of us truly claimed it as so or not.
She wasn’t a friend. Not like Dia, Kylee, Karsci, Diem, or any of the crew, but she was close in a different way. She mattered. Maybe I fell short of expressing that, but she did. I felt like Anna was greatly misunderstood.
By everyone … including herself.
Even with everything that happened, I struggle with my feelings about her. While I am angry with her for taking Hollis and subjecting him to everything that happened, I also find myself feeling sympathetic for the emptiness she left this world having. I don’t think she ever made peace with the woman inside her. Somewhere along life’s path, she became trapped within herself. Whether it was insecurity, chemical imbalance in her brain, hormonal, or trauma related, I don’t think any of us had the joy and experience of really knowing Anna, even for herself. I’m not sure how she became so disconnected from everyone including herself, but she did.
When I look in the mirror, the woman staring back at me is beautiful, yet broken.
Yes, I’m broken.
I care too much.
Always have.
In those moments in that hotel room, I felt Hollis’ fears. I embraced Dia’s boldness, and I fed off of Emmalee’s intensity. If I could go back in time, maybe focus my own emotions, the outcome may have been different. The battlefield of a mind filled with guilt is a torment I can’t explain. Logically, I know I didn’t deserve to be shot. I know none of this is my fault as much as I will scream it to the end of times to Hollis that he isn’t to blame either. However, the should have and could have, and maybes plague me because in the end, the boy I have come to love as my very own child lost his actual mother. No matter the bond we share, or the way I love him or will do for him, I cannot and will never be his mother.
The fact that I can’t ease the burden Hollis may carry with him shatters my very soul.
Except, that isn’t the only reason I’m broken. One thing I learned in the moments of terror that this may be my end I realized I have family, but I have lost love. I am surrounded by people who love me, don’t get it wrong. I know I am treasured, valued, cherished, appreciated, and accepted by my family.
What I don’t have is a partner. There was a time where I thought my first experience with love broke me. In some ways, it did. I would say it cracked the surface of my heart. The easy trust of a first love is never something anyone can get back. The vulnerability given the first time can never be shared with another. In some ways I wasted that precious gift by falling so hard when I was young. It’s more than that though, I’m broken by a lifestyle. If it isn’t my father generally being intimidating which scares potentially suitors off, it’s my sister or someone else in my family. After being shot, having time to reflect, I can’t say that is the truth.
The reality is I’m broken to the point I am not open to be loved. I’ve dated over the years but it’s easy to pick the men apart. None of them compare when I see so much love and passion around me on a regular basis.
I want love like my parents, Tripp and Doll, Boomer and Pami, Tank and Sass, and all these people who through every up and down they ride that shit out together. I don’t know that I will ever have it. I’m attached to a man who has a complicated life as both a Hellion and a father. A man I can’t have. And for whatever reason, I can’t let go of even though I know I can never allow us to be anything more than we are.
If by some miracle, I could find a suitable companion, things have changed for me in a way that can’t be fixed. The future I once saw for myself is no more. The damage to my abdomen left me with a lot of scar tissue internally. Scar tissue that will only thicken as time goes on. In order to stop the bleeding, not only did they take part of my intestine, but I had one ovary removed. My ability to get pregnant and carry a child is no longer a simple thing.
That cuts me the deepest. I have always wanted kids. Three to be exact. To know the limitations I now face is daunting to my dreams.
I feel like this ridiculous mix of confident and insecure. It makes no sense, and I can’t seem to sort myself out.
I may be broken, but I also know I’m more than the damage to my body and spirit.
I am strong, resilient, kind, compassionate, loyal, intelligent, driven, and so many other things.
I can stand still in confidence of the woman I am.
But there is a piece of me lacking.
Companionship.
I crave a partner. The older I get the more I want to build a life with someone at my side. Thirty isn’t too far away. While I didn’t necessarily see myself being married young, I had expected love to find me by now. The more I analyze myself, the more I can see I haven’t been open to it. How can I change that especially now?
I always daydreamed of a future with a husband, three kids, and a dog, maybe even a cat. I like odd numbers; Mariella always laughs when I say I want three to five kids as if four simply doesn’t exist. I don’t know why I prefer odd numbers, I always have though.
“I meant it,” Dillon says taking me out of my thoughts.
“What’s that?” I ask while I feel my heartbeat quicken because I have a feeling I know exactly what he’s talking about.
“In Florida, when I came in the room before they put you under. I told you; I love you, Maritza.”
I sit here with his eyes locked to mine, speechless. Normally, I can talk about anything with anyone. How do I dissect this?
“Your smile it brightens every room. You have compassion for everyone, including Anna who never did a thing to earn your support. You are fuckin’ smart. I’ve never known someone who can do math so fast. You’re beautiful,” he whispers the last part leaning in closer to me, “it’s more than all that. It’s what lies behind your eyes. Mystery, intrigue, passion, and so much more.”
I lick my lips in anticipation. His breath comes down on my face as his lips press to mine. I lean into it as his free hand lifts from my thigh to the back of my neck pulling me in. I open and his tongue invades dancing with mine in a beautiful way. The kiss is soft yet firm, giving and taking, we are perfectly in sync.
Far too quickly for my liking, he pulls away. I take a deep breath as his gaze intensifies. “I want this, Maritza.”
I bite my bottom lip. What can I say? I want this. God, I want this man. The doubt creeps in though, is this about guilt.
“Dillon, you don’t owe me anything. What happened with Anna, I wouldn’t change it to keep Hollis safe.” I try to explain. “Emotions are high right now. You lost your wife-,”
He cuts me off putting a finger to my lips. “My ex-wife. Anna and I were divorced long before she was killed.” Dropping his fingers, he twists to put his beer on the small table beside this outdoor couch we are currently sitting on. “I remember your call. Fuckin’ had me rock hard and no release in sight. Being around you is the best part of every damn day, even if it’s just a minute. Had history with Anna, but that shit was over before I ever even had a thought of being a Hellion.”
Tears begin to fill my eyes. Doubt consumes me no matter what he says. “I don’t think it’s wise to make decisions in a time of mourning.”
He throws his head back laughing. “Baby, you’re cute. You know better than anyone I’m not mourning Anna for any reason other than she is my son’s mother and what he may or may not feel. But you’ve been here, and he hasn’t cried once since the memorial. He said goodbye and he’s made peace. I promise you with everything I am, as for grief over Anna, I have none lingering.”
I raise my eyebrow.
“Damn, Maritza. Circle of life. We all gotta die one day. If I die tomorrow, I just need to know Hollis is taken care of. I’m at peace with it. While unexpected, it was Anna’s time to go. I’m not making some emotional decision. Did that shit, it’s how I ended up married at eighteen.”
“You make everything so black and white.” I challenge.
He reaches out to cup my chin in his broad hand running his thumb over the side of my jaw. “I know what I want. There isn’t a reason to beat around the bush. I can’t say it will be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. And maybe this shit between us, it doesn’t work, but I can’t spend another day wondering what if.”
A tear escapes as I study him. With his other hand, he wipes it away.
“Just asking for a chance here, Maritza. Let’s explore what we could have. Fuck, we’ve been through more together than people married for fifty damn years. Hell, you’ve helped raise my son as your own. We’ve been co-parenting his whole life. Why can’t we try seeing what we can be together?”
“I can’t risk upsetting Hollis. If it doesn’t work,” again he shakes his head silencing me.
“What about if it does work? What if you and me fit perfectly and we build a beautiful life for Hollis? What if we don’t take the shot and both spend years longing for something right in front of us?”
God help me, I want this, and I think that is what scares me the most.
“You’ve literally seen me at rock bottom. Never judged me. You have practically raised my son. More than that, you didn’t look down on Anna. Regardless of how things ended, there was a time in my life she was my whole world. I will forever remember that. I won’t let the changes and the way things ended taint the good for my son. But Maritza I’ve had more bad than good, and you are fucking everything good. I want that for me and for Hollis.”
Letting out a sigh, I don’t know what to say because I know we could be good together. He is calm, steady, and carries himself in a way I know life will be easy most days. Everyone has troubles, but Dillon Jacoby isn’t a man to play games, and his priority is always family first. He is everything I’ve wanted in a man, but how do I take this leap when there is so much at risk? I can’t lose Hollis and if I lose Dillon I lose his son too.
He leans in forehead to forehead releasing my chin, “talk to me. Tell me what holds you back. Was that call not real? Did you not mean it? What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals, or it was all a joke?”
I pull back. “No, I meant it.”
“Then what?” His gaze is intense.
“I can’t be in a relationship where the scales are tipped.” He watches me intently. “If I upset you, or do something wrong, I don’t just lose you Dillon, I lose Hollis too.”
He jumps up and paces the small porch before coming back to the couch and leaning down over me. With a fist at each of my thighs he holds himself over me. “On everything, I would never take him from you. Maritza the sun rises and sets on you for my kid. You are a fuckin’ angel that has been the most steady person in his life. Even more than me and it kills me to admit that, but I have transports and unexpected runs. You, though, you’re his safe place. It doesn’t matter what you do, kill someone, cheat on me, turn me down, rip my heart out, it doesn’t fuckin’ matter, I will never take you from my son.”
I swallow the lump in my throat.
“Baby,” he whispers, “please don’t get hung up on things and give me a chance. You talk about scales, shit Maritza, I fuck up with you, that’s my damn patch. Ruby will personally see to that shit. I want to do this right. For once in my fuckin’ life I don’t have a plan, I don’t want to rush into this.” He presses his lips to my forehead before pushing back to stand. “I don’t want to get this wrong. I don’t want to push.”
I feel him emotionally pulling away as he has physically and immediately, I fight with the unease of having distance between us. Standing up, I let instincts carry me to him. As soon as I’m close, he reads my face and reaches out pulling me to him. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his chest. Inhaling, I take in the moment. I’m in his arms.
I’m home.
I’ve never felt more settled in my entire life.
“Give me this chance, Maritza, and I promise you I’ll be worth it.”
I stand in silence in his arms. It’s already worth it even if it breaks my heart forever. I want nothing more than to see what I can build with the Hellion in my arms.