30. MASON
MASON
I walk outof her hotel room with my heart cracked wide open and bleeding as she stomped on it. My soul has finally been shredded to pieces. After what went down just now between us, I feel like I don’t have anything left to live for anymore…
Mygirl is pregnant and from the looks of things she’s quite a few months along and she didn’t even bother to tell me about it. I mean would she ever have if I didn’t walk in and see her baby bump for myself?
Instead, she ran away—a whole ocean away—from me and hid it. I’m pretty sure she might have already known she was pregnant before she left me again.
That’snot the part that hurts the most though. It’s the fact that she still thinks I’m a monster after all I’ve done to show her differently. And it really fucking gutted me when she said she thought I’d hurt the baby she was carrying.
LikeI’m such a fucking beast in her eyes, she thinks I’d hurt an innocent baby! Obviously, I’m not mad or anything at her. None of what Antonio did was her fault. I meant what I said about that baby being mine because it is. I would have taken care of that baby like it was my own flesh and blood and then we would have had more of own too, but I never saw her words coming…
WhenI’d had enough of stalking her since that just wasn’t cutting it anymore, I decided to just say fuck it and go up to see her. I never in a million years thought I’d leave there flayed open and bleeding like that. But she’s well and truly killed my soul now.
Iknow I don’t have anyone to blame but myself in the first place but haven’t I paid for my sins enough already? Haven’tI done what I could to show her that I’ve changed and that I’m trying to be a better man for her? Haven’tI bled enough to show her how sorry I am for all I did? I guess not, because I’m well and truly done now. It just doesn’t fucking matter anymore.
AllI have left to do now is head home and set things into place for when I’m gone. I lied to her just now. I lied when I said she could bring up what I did every single day if she had to and I would have taken it all every day as long as she forgave me but I can’t. I won’t be able to bear hearing what I did to her, every day. It doesn’t look like she has any plans on ever forgiving me anyway, and that shit hurts more than I can bear.
I’mso lost in my thoughts, just going through the motions that I’m not even watching where I’m going. I just step off the elevator mindlessly and bump into Hunter.
“Hey bro, you okay?” he asks with concern in his voice.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I say, trying to hide my emotions as my throat closes up with the urge to cry. “Your sister is finally coming home next week.”
“That’s great news. Are you staying here until next week then?”
“No. I’m heading home. You stay here with her and I’ll see you both when you get home. I have some things to take care of,” I tell him, trying to plaster a happy expression, but I don’t think it’s working because his brows furrow and he has a concerned expression on his face.
“No, I’m coming with you. She has Adelaide and the guys to watch over her,” he says, still looking at me funnily like he’s trying to see inside my head. Good luck with that shit buddy.
“Whatever,” I tell him as I walk away. I just suddenly feel drained, so I don’t care what the fuck he does. AllI want to do is get out of here.
Itexted my pilot to get the plane ready just after I left her room when I realized that she’s never going to forgive me and I have nothing left to do here. So, all I have to do now is head straight for the airport. I go to the driver’s side to get in the car, but Hunter stops me and takes the keys from me.
Ijust shrug and hand them over easily before getting into the passenger side. I’m quiet the entire way to the airport and I see out of the corner of my eye that Hunter keeps giving me looks. I guess he’s wondering what the hell is wrong with me right now. It feels like my entire brain has shut down and I’m running on autopilot.
Whenwe get to the airport, we have to wait a little while and I see Hunter make a phone call. No clue who he’s talking to but whatever. I don’t even care anymore. It’s already night by the time we make it home.
“Hey, your home,” Gray says as we walk through the doors.
“Yeah.”
“How is she?” her dad asks as he comes to stand in the foyer as well.
“She’s fine. She said she’ll be home next week,” I tell him to ease the worried look he has on his face.
“That’s great news,” he says, a smile now on his face. “My baby girl is finally going to be home again.
“Yeah, I’m sure she’s going to be happy to be home after being away for so long.”
“How are things with you two now?” he asks.
“Just great,” I say, faking a smile. “I mean she’s coming home, isn’t she?”
“That she is,” he says, scrutinizing me like he’s trying to see more into my words than what I’m telling him.
Ididn’t tell him or Grayson about the baby, hell I’m not even sure if they already know or not but whatever, that’s up to her. Obviously, Adelaide knows and I’m pretty sure Hunter knew as well. Hell, her father, and Gray could already know too and they didn’t tell me, which means I’m probably the last one to know. I feel another ache in my gut as the thoughts run through my head.
Anyway, even if they know or not, I’m pretty sure they will in another day or so. I plan to start the nursery then, so that’ll definitely clue them in.
“I’m tired. I’m going to head on up to bed, so see you guys tomorrow,” I tell them all and walk away before anyone can say anything else.
WhenI get to my room, I lock my door and then grab a bottle of whiskey from my hiding place and chug some of it down like I have no care in the world and technically, I don’t because nothing really matters at this point.
Afew minutes later, I can barely see. WhenI touch my face, it’s wet and I realize that I’m crying. Fuck! I wish that this pain would go away. It hurts so fucking much and I constantly feel like my chest is going to cave in on itself.
Ihate myself. If this pain is even a fraction of what she felt then I know why she’ll never forgive me. I fucked up too bad, it’s now I realize that no amount of apologizing or begging and pleading would ever be enough to stop her hurt.
Thatthought makes me cry even harder because I know I don’t deserve her forgiveness and I might never deserve to earn it, no matter how hard I try and that just fucking sucks balls if you ask me. I’m drunk off my ass in a pit of despair, as I lay there just thinking about what my next moves are going to be and eventually, I fall asleep.
It’slate in the morning, the next day when I wake up with a hangover from hell. I let out a groan as I sit up in bed.
“At it again I see,” Hunter says out of nowhere. I look over in the direction his voice came from and see him and my brother sitting there on the couch.
“What the hell are you guys doing in here? I’m pretty sure I locked my door last night. I love you guys and all, but I personally think it’s creepy that you two are here watching me sleep,” I joke.
“Cut the shit. What’s going on with you man?” Hunter asks.
“Nothing. Why do you think that something’s going on?”
“Well, you should be happy she’s coming home, but here you are looking like you’re about to drink yourself to death again. What gives?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“Are you okay?”
“Never been better.”
“Talk to us man, we’re here for you.”
“Just drop it, okay? I’m perfectly fine. I just felt like celebrating last night. Is that a crime?” I ask, with a roll of my eyes.
“No, it’s not, but I can’t help but feel like something’s wrong,”
“That’s just your overactive imagination,” I laugh and he just stares at me for a beat. “Now if you two can leave me alone, I have a few things I need to get done today.”
“Do you need help?”
“No. I’ll be fine. I ordered some stuff while we were on the plane, it should be here today so I can get started on my project I have planned.”
“Alright man. Just remember we’re here if you need us,” Hunter says.
“Yeah. Don’t forget you’ve got us,” Gray says, before they both get up and leave me alone, finally.
Ihave such a terrible headache right now. I walk into the bathroom and pop two painkillers in my mouth along with some water before taking a shower. AfterI’m done with all that I head down the stairs, aiming for the front door. I almost make it there but I’m stopped at the last minute.
“Where are you off to?” my brother asks.
“I need to head downtown for like an hour or so and then I’ll be back,” I tell him.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You seem a little off.”
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me bro,” I tell him as I walk over to him and pull him in for a hug. WhenI pull away, he stares at me for a moment and I give him a smile. “Can you check up on the construction workers in the backyard for me while I’m gone? I got a call earlier and they said they should be done with my little surprise today.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
“See you in an hour or so,” I tell him as I leave to walk out the door.
Imake my way to the courthouse and meet with the judge who agreed to sign off on a marriage certificate for Winter and me. I had my lawyer set this up before leaving London when I made up my mind on what I would be doing. By agreed, I mean he definitely couldn’t refuse the amount of money that was offered to him, to get the job done.
Icollect the certificate and leave. Winter and I are officially legally bound even though she doesn’t know that yet. After that’s done, I head straight for my lawyer, handing him the document that proves she’s legally my wife. I have him make a will for me and I split everything I own between Winter and Gray.
Ihope my father is angry in hell right now, because she’s going to own half his company. He wanted to take hers to build up his, but now she’s going to own part of what he held so dear. I know if he was still alive that would have made him furious as hell.
Oncemy lawyer and I are done, he lets me know that he’s going to file it right away and I thank him before leaving.
Bythe time I get home I head straight for the backyard and see that the guys are done with the treehouse. I had a replica of the one she had at her old home started here just after I left for London, which I hope she loves. Though with some improvements, for instance the skylight is bigger on this one compared to the original. I hope she loves it. I’ll decorate it later.
“I’m back,” I tell the guys when I walk into the kitchen and see them there.
“Everything went, okay?”
“Yeah.”
“By the way, the stuff you ordered came. It’s all in the living room since I didn’t know where you wanted it,” Gray tells me.
“Thanks. Once you guys are done eating, I’m going to need help to take it all upstairs,” I tell them.
“We’re pretty much done here so we can go now,” Hunter lets me know.
Weall move to the living room and start grabbing boxes, taking them up to the room right across from the master suite.
“You gonna tell us what all of this stuff is?” Gray asks.
“It’s all stuff for the nursery,” I tell him just casually dropping that bomb in case he doesn’t already know.
“Nursery? What nursery?”
“Winter’s pregnant. You’re going to be an uncle!”
“Please tell me you’re not fucking kidding me!” he yells in excitement. Well, I guess that answers that. He didn’t know.
“Nope.”
“Oh my God! I’m going to be an uncle!” he yells, even more excited than he was two seconds ago. I smile at how happy he is at the news and I know he’s definitely going to be a kick-ass uncle, especially when I’m gone…
“We’re going to be uncles,” Hunter says, butting in. I look over at him with a smile still on my face. Yeah, the asshole will be a great uncle too. That baby is going to be so blessed to have them in his or her life.
“Can we help?” They both ask in excitement and even though I wanted to do this alone, I decide to let them, since they’re so happy about getting to do this for their future niece or nephew.
“Duh! What? Did you assholes think I’d let you get out of helping?” I ask with a grin on my face. “And by the way you two are on furniture duty. Leave the walls to me, I have some ideas.”
Theyeagerly agree and we instantly get to work, laughing and making jokes the entire time. I try to appear as happy as I can around them, hiding the deep-rooted sadness and all the pain in me because I want the last few days with them to be happy ones…
* * *
It’s beenfive days since I came back home, knowing that my end was near. I spent the last five days with the guys working on the nursery. They fixed all the furniture up; I made sure to get anything she’d need, including clothes and everything else like bottles and diapers, all that fun stuff.
Igot unisex clothes since I didn’t know what she was having yet. I painted the walls a light gray and then painted some cute baby animals on them. I was super proud of myself because it turned out really awesome and would fit either a girl or a boy. I hope she loves it when she gets here.
Afterall of that was done the guys helped me decorate the treehouse too. I made sure I had pictures of us hanging everywhere and some cute mementos we got here and there throughout our entire relationship.
I’vegot to say the last five days were more than I could’ve asked for. I tried my best to act like nothing was wrong but I still noticed that both Gray and Hunter kept giving me looks from time to time, though I pretended not to notice.
However, today was crunch time. I felt myself get choked up just thinking about it, but it will be for the best. I just hope she’ll be happier without me.
Iput a neutral expression on my face as I head downstairs because I know those two are probably skulking around somewhere. AndI’m right as soon as I move past the last step and head for the door, both of them are there.
“Where are you going?” Gray asks.
“AmI on house arrest or something? Because you two have been acting like my wardens or something,” I say chuckling.
“I feel like we should be putting you on house arrest,” Hunter grumbles.
“For what dickhead?”
“I don’t know, but I feel like it’s needed.”
“It’s definitely not needed.”
“So where are you going then?” Gray questions.
“I need to go see my lawyer to sign some papers regarding the company,” I tell him, lying to his face and hoping that I’m doing a good job of it.
“Okay. Don’t take too long! We’re all going to the store later to get some more toys for the little nugget,” he tells me.
“I won’t. I’ll be back way before it’s time to leave,” I say smiling at him. “Love you.”
“Love you too big brother,” I hear him say as I walk away.
Ifeel myself getting choked up again but I keep the tears from falling. IfI think about anything else besides what I’m about to do, I’ll crumble and not go through with it. I can’t do that; I’ve been planning it since I saw her that last day.
Herwords have been echoing inside my head since that day and they won’t leave, so I know she’ll feel safer without me here. She won’t have to think I’m a monster anymore. With me gone she won’t have to worry about me hurting our baby.
Nowthe tears are really threatening to fall and I pull out of the driveway quickly because I know if either one of them spots that shit there’s no way I’d be leaving to go anywhere.
Ihead for our old apartment, since that’s the only place I know I’ll have the privacy to do what I need to do. They’re still in our names since we never sold them. I head up to hers when I get there because… I don’t know, I guess I just need somewhere familiar to do it.
Ialready left my shit here a few days ago when I left the house to do some other business. I set the camera up and hit record.
“Hey baby…” I start and I can’t keep it in anymore. The tears begin to stream down my face as I start to talk.
Isay all I need to say to her before ending the recording. I send it over to my guy at the news station. I contacted him days ago telling him that I’d have a recording that I wanted him to post right away.
Ineeded her to see that I didn’t care if everyone knew what I did or how they’d view me. AllI cared about was humiliating myself so that she could see that I cared about her. I wanted everyone to know that I was wrong and wasn’t afraid to show it to the world. If this isn’t one hell of an apology and goodbye, I don’t know what is…
Isend her the video and as soon as my guy sent me the link to the video to show me that it’s live, I forward her the link as well.
Nowthat it’s done, I walk into the bathroom and fill the tub up halfway. I take a full bottle of sleeping pills and down them a couple at a time until the bottle is empty. I step into the tub of water and sit there for a while until I feel like the pills are starting to work.
Itdoesn’t take long for me to feel the effects and I’m finally starting to get drowsy. Making sure that I finish the job I take the razor that I put at the edge of the tub and use it to slice both my arms, from the wrist all the way up to my forearm.
Ilet out a grunt as I feel the pain of the blade slicing through my skin. Son of a bitch this shit hurts! So, I guess this is what it felt like every time she slit hers…
I’mdizzy and can barely see but the red flowing out of both my arms is visible, so I know I’ve done the job. I drop the blade in the water and lay my head back on the tub just waiting to go.
Inno time I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, they start to close and I smile as I feel myself slip into oblivion. I won’t be able to hurt anyone anymore and there will be no more pain to fight through, just bliss as I die…