Chapter 1 #2
I wanted to stand up, stare into their eyes, and have them know that I wasn’t scared anymore.
Frank had stolen my innocence and my father had stood by and let him, watching whenever he wanted.
My dad took my voice and forced me into silence.
But I wasn’t holding my tongue anymore. They were both going to pay for what they’d done.
I was going to make sure of it, and then I was going on to have the best life.
Taking a deep breath, I turned to Mum and Jasper with a thudding in my chest that tried to tell me this was a bad idea. Now or never. “I have something I need to talk to you about.”
“What’s up?” Jasper asked. He leant forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I knew there was something.”
“I want to go back and give evidence in person.”
Silence fell upon the room, like my words had gagged then, and I watched on as they let my words sink in. I didn’t expect them to follow me—not for a second. It wasn’t just me that had gone through it; they had, too. I understood if they didn’t want to be anywhere near Dad.
I could go alone. My aunt Ali and cousin Lizzie would be there for me. My grandparents, too. Mum and Jasper were my biggest supporters, so, of course, I wanted them to be with me, but I would never ask.
Mum finally nodded. “Okay. If you’re sure that’s what you need.”
“It is.”
She placed her mug down on the coffee table. “Right. I’ll speak to Ali about us staying with her and then we’ll book the flights.”
That’s it?
“You don’t have to come, you know. It’s fine if you don’t want to.”
Jasper snorted. “As if we’re letting you go alone.”
“I mean it, Jasper. If either of you doesn’t want to come, it’s fine with me. I understand if you don’t want to see them. It’s just…I have to.”
“We’re doing this together, honey. I made that promise to you four years ago, and I’m not going to break it now.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, swallowing the urge to cry.
It meant so much that they would come. I knew how hard it was for them, especially Mum. She blamed herself for not seeing the man she’d married for what he truly was. Dad fooled everyone.
What had happened was nobody’s fault but his.
Jasper clenched his jaw, trying to contain his anger. I knew he didn’t want to see Dad again, and my stomach churned at the knowledge that I was making him.
“Jasper? You okay?” Mum asked. “Oakley’s right. You don’t have to come.”
“I’m going,” he replied, putting his mug down and folding his arms under his chest like a stubborn child. “I just don’t know how I’m going to stay in control when I see his face again.”
I was sure my brother hated our dad more than I did.
“Maybe you should come to therapy with me. I’m sure Martha could fit us in for a joint session.”
“No, thanks,” he muttered in response.
Therapy was something that Jasper always refused.
I’d started seeing Martha shortly after we’d arrived in Australia, and Mum used to see someone, too.
Jasper had his own way of dealing with things by bottling it up and letting it explode in a fight, reaching the bottom of a bottle, or getting lost between some random’s legs.
“Asking for help doesn’t make you–”
He stood abruptly, cutting me off. “I don’t need help. I just need to help you two.”
Mum and I exchanged a glance as Jasper left the room. I wanted to run after him, but I knew he needed to be alone to cool down. He saw therapy as a weakness and wouldn’t do it because he had to be strong for Mum and me.
My stupid, sweet brother.
“He’ll be fine. He knows we’re here, and I’m sure he’ll ask for help when he’s ready for it.”
I wasn’t so sure, but I nodded along with her, anyway. “Burying it is much easier than facing it.”
It had taken me more than a decade of pretending everything was fine before I had spoken up. It would be hypocritical of me to push Jasper into anything.
“Are you going to tell Jenna that we’re coming? I think you should warn them…”
By them, I meant Cole. He had to know I was coming back.
It had been too long. We’d gone years without speaking. I couldn’t spring that on him.
He probably didn’t even want to see me.
Mum nodded and wrapped a tartan blanket around herself, which I assumed she used to protect herself from our conversation rather than the temperature since it wasn’t cold.
“She emailed yesterday. I haven’t replied yet, so I’ll mention it. How do you feel about seeing Cole again?”
I looked out the window, my heart heavy as steel at the sound of his name. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay,” Mum said. “I’ll call Ali. You get the laptop and look up some flights.”
Within an hour, Mum had spoken to Ali, and our flights were booked. In a week’s time, we would be back in England. I emailed my lawyer, Linda Rake, to explain that I had changed my mind, and I would call her tomorrow to discuss it.
She would be pleased, I thought. A while ago, she’d suggested that I think about appearing in court in person, but I’d said no.
It might have a bigger impact on the jury if I was there, though. I wasn’t so sure, but I wasn’t doing this for the jury.
I was doing it for me.
I stayed downstairs after Mum had gone to bed, curled up on the sofa.
Jasper sat down, finally resurfacing from his room. “We’re really doing this. We’re going back.”
“Yes.” I wasn’t a scared child anymore, so I wasn’t going to hide.
“What are you going to do about Cole?”
Not him, too.
Jasper was better at avoiding the topic of Cole, knowing it hurt me to talk about him, but apparently he was going for it now.
“I’m not going to do anything.”
“Right. So, you’re going back to where the guy you love is, and you plan on doing nothing?” he asked in the most sarcastic tone I’d ever heard him use.
I nodded in reply, giving him the finger.
“Oh, come on, Oakley. You’ve been moping around here for four years. I’ve never even seen you look at another guy. Are you seriously going to waste your chance at being happy again?”
I sighed.
We lived here. He lived there. I’d left him.
There had been no one else because I couldn’t stand the thought of being that close to anyone else. There was nothing wrong with the guys here, but I didn’t feel safe with them.
They couldn’t make me forget every disgusting thing that happened to me with one flash of their smile.
“What do you expect me to do, Jasper? Turn up on his doorstep and ask to get back together with him until the trial ends? We’d have to say goodbye again, and it was hell the first time. Like you said, it’s been four years. He has a whole new life. He could be married for all we know.”
“I think Jenna would have mentioned something like that,” he replied and raised a brow.
Okay, yes, she would have, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t someone in his life. This was Cole. He was the sweetest, funniest, sexiest, generous, and most caring person in the world.
“I’m not going to do anything stupid and mess up his life.”
“Then, maybe you shouldn’t have left him behind.”
I gasped at his words, and before I could stop it from happening, my eyes filled with tears.
That was low.
“Shit! I’m sorry, Oakley. I didn’t mean that.”
He grimaced as I pushed myself off the sofa.
I raised a hand to him in warning. “It’s fine. I’m going to bed. Night, Jasper.”
He groaned in frustration when I walked away. The problem was that Jasper was half-right, and that was what had stung.
As soon as I finished in the bathroom, I got straight into bed.
I hadn’t done much all day, but I felt exhausted.
Tucked under the pillow on the spare side of my bed was Cole’s hoodie—the only thing of his I had.
It’d stopped smelling of him a long time ago, but it was his, and it meant everything to me.
I lay awake in bed for most of the night, thinking about what Jasper had said. I tried not to let any doubt enter my mind, but when he said things like that, I couldn’t help it.
Soon enough, though, I’d get to see whether Cole felt I’d done the right thing or if I’d made the biggest mistake of both our lives.