Chapter 8
Luca
“Hey, um, come in.” After two failed attempts to work at the library, we’re at his place today. I’ve never seen Noah this insecure before. He can barely maintain eye contact, his voice is soft, and the sharp edge is completely gone.
I already feel that he is loosening up around me after our last two meetings.
Sometimes a small smile flits across his face, the crease between his eyebrows relaxes, and his tough exterior cracks a little.
I love Noah’s quick wit and the fact that he doesn’t put up with any crap from me, I love his sharp tongue and his even sharper brain.
It’s never boring with him; he challenges me practically every second we’re together.
He’s my equal, even though I’m a head taller, and he doesn’t try to please me. I like that.
I’m standing in a long hallway with high ceilings on the third floor of an old building, the beautiful kind of which there are so many in Strasbourg. The apartment feels spacious. “Do you have any roommates?”
Noah slowly shakes his head, then lets it fall to his chest. “It never worked out.”
“What do you mean?” Strasbourg is a big city and there are always students looking for a room.
Noah takes a deep breath and… Wait, is he blushing? “It’s no secret I don’t have any friends. Before I came here, I had hoped that might change, that I’d meet people and that we’d… shit, this is embarrassing.”
Like a little bundle of misery, he squeezes himself into the corner next to the door.
Without being asked, I take off my jacket and my shoes, then step up to him.
Really close. Closer than is good for me, but I realize that too late.
I hear his ragged breathing, smell his cologne, want to place my hand on his cheek, pull him into my arms, press my lips to his neck.
Luckily, my brain hasn’t completely switched off, and I reach for his hand instead.
Noah flinches as if I were holding a knife to his throat. “Let’s sit down. Where’s your living room?”
His hand is still in mine as we take a seat on the big sofa. The room is beautiful and bright, with calm, muted colors. It suits Noah, and I wonder what his bedroom looks like. His gaze shifts uncertainly back and forth between our clasped hands and his feet.
“I don’t have any friends either, you know?” A fact I’m aware of, but one I rarely say out loud.
The bitter snort tells me he strongly disagrees. “You could fill two empty rooms in the blink of an eye. You’re not alone. Everyone wants to be friends with you, everyone wants your company. It’s your choice to keep everyone at a distance.”
“You don’t want to be alone?” That snort again. I love it when he does that, it’s so him, and clearly shows the impatient, prickly part of his personality.
“Is there anyone in your life you can tell everything to? No matter what?”
“Yeah, sure, my family, especially Jannis, my middle brother. But we’re all really close.” His silence says it all, practically screaming in my face, and I voice what he’s thinking. “You don’t have anyone.”
Shrugging with a bitter smile, he tries to turn away, but I won’t let him. Noah’s cheek presses against my hand, he’s trembling. “Hey, have you already forgotten? I would’ve expected more from you.”
With a questioning look, he turns to me, not open and engaging, but hard and dismissive as always. Yet I see the vulnerability he hides behind that facade, the loneliness. A loneliness I can empathize with so deeply that it hurts. “I know how you feel.”
“Am I really that bad? Is spending time with me really that awful? Am I… am I really that repulsive?” The questions pour out of his mouth, unchecked, unfiltered, and unstoppable. I actually expected him to look away immediately, but he seeks eye contact, wants to know, needs an answer.
With my thumb, I trace gentle circles on his cheek, and I feel the tension ebb from his body. His eyelids flutter until his eyes are closed. He leans into my touch as if he’s never been touched before, and come to think of it…
My gaze falls on his thick, red hair, the countless freckles that disappear into his collar and reappear at the hem of his short sleeves, his full lips, which I’m sure would feel wonderfully soft.
I don’t know how I couldn’t see it for a year and a half, but Noah is so damn beautiful.
“No, to all three questions. It’s not terrible at all to spend time with you. Quite the opposite.”
The ringing of my phone breaks the silence, and Noah’s eyes snap open in alarm. The moment is gone. I quickly pull the far-too-loud device out of my pocket.
“Why the hell is that so loud? You have a smartwatch.” Something I’d like to know myself—my phone is never on loud.
“Firas, where are you guys this time?”
“In Lahr.” My question was a joke. I didn’t expect a real answer.
“Are you serious? What are you doing in Lahr?” Noah looks at me with raised eyebrows. He probably doesn’t understand a word because I’m speaking German. The twins constantly switch back and forth between German and French. Most of the time, I don’t even notice which language we’re speaking.
“Marvin’s cousin lives here, and he has this cool new game for the PS. We bought a bus ticket, but we missed the bus, and the next one doesn’t come for another two hours.” They have to be home in an hour, so clearly they’re looking for someone to bail them out.
“Does anyone know where you are?”
“Philipp thinks we’re at Marvin’s.” Fantastic.
“Call Dayyan, or Jannis.”
“But we’ll get in trouble.” As far as I’m concerned, rightfully so.
“Jannis was upset you called me last time. He won’t rip your heads off, but Dayyan is responsible for you. How is that supposed to work if you don’t tell them where you are?”
The awkward silence on the other end of the line drags on. “You’re not coming?” One last, desperate attempt.
“If neither of them has time, you can call me, but I’m in Strasbourg and I don’t want to leave here.”
“Okay, thanks anyway. Bye, Luca.”
“Bye, Firas.” I hang up and slump back against the sofa. “Seriously, those two are driving me crazy.”
“Who was that?” The uncertainty is back in Noah’s eyes and in his voice. “Do you have to go?”
“No, I’m staying.” His posture immediately relaxes and the small crease between his eyebrows disappears.
“That was Firas.”
“Oh, is that… someone?”
Is he jealous? In any case, he’s blushing again.
“Firas and Nael are eleven-year-old twins and the brothers of Jannis’s boyfriend, Dayyan. Dayyan has custody of them after their parents died in a car accident two years ago.”
Noah covers his mouth in shock. “That’s terrible. But why are they calling you?”
“Dayyan and the twins live with us. My fathers support Dayyan and Jannis so they can go to university. We’re family. They always call me when they’ve screwed up and don’t want Dayyan or Jannis to find out.”
Noah grins. His whole face lights up, and damn, he’s even more handsome that way. “I bet you bail them out every time.”
“You think so?”
“Definitely.”
“If I did, I’d be in the car right now on my way to Lahr.”
His smile freezes, turning into a shaky grimace. “Oh, if you’d rather leave, no problem. We can do this another time…”
For the second time today, I place my hand on his cheek. My thumb on his lips makes him pause. “I don’t want to leave.”
I want to stay, want to keep talking to him, want to see him laugh, want to ask him questions, something I’ve never wanted to do before.
I want to answer his questions, want him to know who I am.
Something that has always felt dangerous before now seems safe.
I have no idea when or how that could’ve happened.
It’s scary and exciting at the same time, and I’m not ready to let go of this moment.
And I want to kiss him. Now that I know how his lips feel on my finger, I want to feel them on mine. Fuck, what’s wrong with me?