Chapter 21 #2
“Would you have believed me? If I told you the day we met, about everything that happened between us? You would’ve thought I was crazy.
You didn’t remember me, I didn’t want to force anything on you.
I didn’t deserve to get you back that way.
After what I did, I needed to grovel. I couldn’t force you to love me again.
You deserved so much better than that. If I’m being honest, you deserved so much better than me.
Hell you still do. But… I figured if I could get you to love me again, without me telling you anything about our past, then I earned it.
Loving me had to be your choice, and I would’ve respected your choice no matter what it was.
If you would’ve told me to leave you alone or brushed me off, I would’ve respected that, no matter how much it wrecked me.
I would’ve let you go if that was what you decided.
If that’s what you still decide… You could’ve pulled the fucking trigger back there and shot me, and I wouldn’t have stopped you. ”
“I almost pulled the trigger, Atlas! You could’ve died and it would’ve been my fault.”
“I would have let you.”
“You can’t just say shit like that, Atlas!”
“It’s the truth. If you decided that was the way I would leave this world, I would’ve died with a smile.”
“Th- that’s crazy. I don’t even know how to respond to that… Why are you even here? You don’t NEED Me! You said it yourself the day I left. So why even tell me the truth? Why come after me?”
“This is different, Maze.”
That name on his lips stings. It may have been a fake name, but to me that was the realest version of myself. While the name wasn’t real, the way I acted was. I didn’t hold back or try to be something I wasn’t.
“That’s not a good enough answer, Atlas.”
He looked like he was debating his next answer. When he looks at me, I see it. It’s a look only I seem to provoke. He’s battling for control of his thoughts, of this moment, and he’s losing.
As he steps forward, I step backwards until my back is against the wall.
Both of his arms come up caging me in and he leans down so we are eye to eye, but he doesn’t stop there.
He closes the distance between us pressing his forehead gently to mine leaving me no choice but to maintain eye contact with him.
His breath brushes against my lips as he speaks, his voice so low I almost miss it even though we’re standing this close.
“Because I know what it feels like to lose you for good. I know how it feels to think you’re dead and that I’m the reason for it.
I know what it feels like to have you own my soul when I wasn’t aware I still had one.
For months, I replayed the argument in my fucking head over and over again, wishing I were man enough to stop you from leaving.
I couldn’t escape you even in my sleep. I dreamed about every happy memory we had, just to wake back up to the nightmare I had to call reality.
It took fucking losing you to realize you were it for me.
You’re my fucking yellow Maze. The only bright thing in my life.
The only person worth losing control for.
I’ll never let what happened before happen again because I know what my life is like without you, and it’s not worth living unless you’re in it. ”
I closed my eyes to prepare myself to respond but when I opened my eyes again, he was gone. What in the actual fuck just happened? I spin around trying to find him but I don’t spot him anywhere. How can he say all of that and just walk off?
I slide down the brick wall behind me. I feel my already bloody, skinned knees split back open, but the sting of my split knees feel like nothing in comparison to the way it feels knowing he just walked away.
My body goes numb as I go to war with myself.
No matter what I try to say to convince myself I’m good enough for someone to love me, the past seems to repeat itself.
He just detonated a bomb. Shattering my whole life, and he walks away like it meant nothing.
I curl around myself and try to hold together any part of me I can while I fall apart on this side walk.
More memories of the last year flash through my mind and I don’t know if I’m going to survive them.
I’m starting to think not knowing was a blessing.
I know I am spiraling out again. I squeeze my eyes shut and cover my ears, but it does nothing to quiet all the noise.
You can’t block out the voices if they’re inside your head.
Every doubt and fear is being chanted back at me.
The worst part, it’s not just my voice saying them anymore.
I can deal with my own voice telling me I’m worthless, but when his voice joins the chaos, I crumble further inside my own head.
It’s his voice telling me I’m too much. That he doesn’t need me.
That all I do is fuck up his life. I remember the way it felt feeling my heart break in his office that night.
He let me leave. If I thought I was broken before, I don’t know if I’ll survive losing him again.
That wreck should’ve killed me. It would’ve been easier to deal with.
You know what– Fuck that! He doesn’t get to make me fall in love with him again and fucking leave!
He doesn’t get to make me manic and avoid the fallout.
He did this. All of this is his fucking fault.
He’s the reason I left the first time and he’s the reason I’m drowning now.
He doesn’t get to be a coward this time.
If he wants to wreck me, then I’m going to destroy him too.
If I lose myself to this, I’m taking him with me.