Chapter 3 #2
“Don’t you ever tell me—don’t you ever think that I would want another more than I want you.
You are mine. I’m very possessive. I might have misspoken, but don’t you dare take offense at the fact that you are my wife.
That means I love you. I am never giving you up.
I’m never letting anything stand in our way. ”
I let out a shaky breath and closed my eyes. He pulled me closer, kissed me softly. And I smiled against his lips. “I love when you get all alpha and growly.”
“I can’t help it. You melt into a puddle of goo when I do. And I love being able to pick you up and hold you.”
“That was very romantic. A little gooey, but I’ll let it slide,” I said on a laugh.
He kissed me hard, bit my lip, and didn’t bother licking away the sting. Instead, I leaned against him and closed my eyes. “What are we going to do about Kincaid?” I asked, knowing something was bubbling beneath the surface that I needed to figure out for myself, not get from Ronin.
Ronin paused as if he were measuring his words carefully. “I think you’d like him.” Another pause. “He’d be good to have in our circle.”
“He needs a friend,” I agreed.
Ronin let out a soft groan. I wasn’t even sure he was aware that he’d done it. “You’re right. He does need…friends.”
I didn’t break at that little pause before the word friends.
Because I understood it. My husband might still love Kincaid, and without the barrier of lies and betrayal, he might feel free to allow himself to do so.
That meant I had to broach a subject that we might’ve talked about before in passing, but it wasn’t easy when it was reality.
“Ronin?” I asked, my voice soft.
He leaned away from me and looked at my face. “I don’t know if I like the tone of your voice. Whenever you get this way, I always feel like something’s about to explode.”
I punched him softly on the shoulder, and he smiled at me. I’d fallen in love with that smile on our third date. Actually, if I didn’t lie to myself, I knew it was probably our first date.
“You and I have talked about possibly finding a third for us.”
Ronin went impossibly still, and I wasn’t even sure he was breathing.
“We love each other, but we both know that we’ve been talking about looking to see who we might add to make our family even…more.”
“Yes, but, Julia, it’s not as easy as that.”
“No relationship is easy. And it isn’t as if we’re going to put an ad on Craigslist.”
That made Ronin laugh. “I do believe there are other sites besides Craigslist.”
“I don’t want to use a site. I want it to happen organically, that’s something we both decided.
And I know that I might not have been in a triad before, but my friends have, and it’s something I’ve always felt that I could be a part of.
A polyamorous relationship has always been in my mind as my possible happily ever after.
And seeing our friends have that love has reaffirmed that maybe that’s something I could have.
Or want. And I know it’s the same for you. Hell, you had one before.”
“And it crashed and burned,” Ronin said lightly, even though the subject was anything but light.
My heart broke for him, even as it twisted at what I was saying. “I know. And I know it’s complicated, but if we go in with open eyes and reaffirm who we are to each other first, maybe we can work this out.”
“You’re saying all the things that we’ve talked to each other about before—finding a possible third if the subject ever came up. But this is Kincaid, Julia.” He paused. “You are talking about Kincaid, aren’t you?”
I laughed. “Yes. You love him,” I whispered, saying the words I needed to. Ronin shook his head, then I frowned. “We don’t lie to each other, Ronin.”
“I’m not lying to you. I loved the man that I was with before. I don’t know this Kincaid. He’s changed. So have I. It’s hard to imagine opening my heart to him while also sharing you. And you would be the center of it all.”
“Is that how you imagine it working out?” I asked softly.
“You are the center of my world. If I were to have anyone else as part of that world, you would still be the center.”
My heart filled, and I blinked back tears. “I always forget that you’re a former soldier turned librarian. You are so beautiful with the words.”
“I am a Marine, thank you very much. Do not call me a soldier.”
I laughed. “I’m sorry. Totally did it on purpose, but I am sorry. It’s not like I called you an airman or something.”
Ronin let out a little growl and kissed me softly. “Julia, if we try to start something with Kincaid, it could blow up in our faces and hurt everybody in the process.”
“I know,” I whispered. “But there’s something there, Ronin. I know you felt it when we held each other.”
I watched Ronin’s throat work as he swallowed hard. “There might’ve been something, but there’re so many threads that could untangle… or not… or I could ruin a horrible metaphor.” His eyes danced with laughter, even though I saw the panic there, too.
“I’m not saying we get down on bended knee and ask him to marry us,” I said directly.
That made my husband smile. “That might be moving a little fast, even for us.”
“But maybe we can see if Kincaid wants to be our friend. And perhaps one day something more. Or, we ask him out on a date, just to see. I don’t know exactly how all this works, and it’s not like there’s a handbook.
Or if there is, it’s not what we need because our lives aren’t cookie-cutter and don’t follow an easy checklist. But there’s something there, Ronin.
I love you enough to know that Kincaid was part of your past, and he might be part of your future.
And it would be a disservice to both of us if we let him walk away. ”
I knew this was right, even though it was the hardest thing I had ever done. It likely wouldn’t make sense to anyone outside of our relationship, and people might think we were crazy, but I knew this was right.
I loved my husband. And if it was the two of us for the rest of our lives, I would be the happiest woman on the face of this Earth.
But if there was a chance for us to have more?
Then I would take it. Because I loved Ronin, I loved him more than anything.
“God, I love you. You’re so open and wonderful. And maybe…maybe we can try…” he whispered, and my heart sped up.
“Really?”
“Don’t back out,” he said drily.
“I’m not. I think Kincaid needs a friend.
Or more. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know.
It feels like all of this is happening at the right time.
I don’t want to lose what we have, but I also know that we have the capability of being, of letting others into our lives.
I want to take that chance. As long as you’re by my side. ”
He cupped my face again and smiled softly. “If things get hard, or if you are hurt in any way, we walk away. You and me, Julia. Could be it for me, but you’re right, I think we need to see what happens.”
I smiled then and kissed my husband. I knew we were taking a step that no one else would likely take. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was making a mistake or possibly taking the greatest chance of my life.