Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BILLION
The second transfer hadn't even happened yet and Kaizleigh had already taken three pregnancy tests.
Not Nyrobi but Kaizleigh. I found the last one sitting on the bathroom counter that morning and stood there staring at it for a good thirty seconds trying to figure out what the fuck I was looking at.
For half a second, my heart jumped into my throat before common sense caught up with me.
There was no reason for my wife to be taking a pregnancy test. Not unless she had something to tell me. I picked it up, walked out of the bathroom and found her sitting at the end of the bed with her phone in her hand. I held the test up. She looked at it. Then at me.
“Before you start?—”
“I ain't said shit.”
“Your face did.”
“What is this?”
“You know what it is.”
“I know what it is, Kaizleigh. Why is it in our bathroom?”
She put her phone down.
“I don't know.”
“You don't know how a pregnancy test got from the box, got pissed on, and ended up on my counter?”
“I know how it got there.”
“Then why you say you don't know?”
“Because I don't know why I took it.”
I tossed it into the trash.
That answer told me more than anything else would've.
The first transfer failing had fucked with her…bad.
She tried to act like she understood. The doctor told us from the beginning that it could take more than one attempt. We'd heard all the percentages, all the reasons, all the shit that was supposed to make disappointment easier to swallow but it didn't.
When Nyrobi's test came back negative, Kaizleigh smiled at her.
Told her it wasn't her fault. Told her we'd try again.
Then came home and cried in the shower like I couldn't hear her.
I'd left her alone that night. Not because I didn't care.
Because after three miscarriages and one failed transfer, I had learned there were some kinds of hurt I couldn't talk my wife out of.
That shit made a man feel useless. I could buy a house because somebody needed somewhere to live.
Pay a bill. Call somebody. Move money. Fix a problem.
But I couldn't make my wife's body keep a baby.
Couldn't make an embryo stick inside Nyrobi.
Couldn't promise Kaizleigh that the next transfer wouldn't end with another phone call telling us no.
Money didn't mean shit when the thing you wanted couldn't be bought.
“You think you might be pregnant?” I asked.
Kaizleigh looked at me.
“No.”
“Then why take the test?”
“I told you, I don't know.”
“You gotta stop doing this to yourself.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Don't talk to me like I'm crazy.”
“I didn't.”
“You're looking at me like I am.”
“I'm looking at you like my wife is taking pregnancy tests knowing we ain't trying to get you pregnant.”
“We have sex.”
“I know. I'm there.”
She rolled her eyes.
“You know what I mean.”
“No, actually I don't.”
She got quiet.
I sat beside her.
“Talk to me.”
Her fingers picked at the edge of the comforter.
“What if this one doesn't work either?”
I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.
“Then we talk to the doctor.”
“And they tell us to try again.”
“Probably.”
“And if that one doesn't work?”
“We figure it out.”
“And if none of them work?”
“Kaizleigh.”
“What?”
“You're already losing a transfer that hasn't happened.”
She looked away.
“I can't help it.”
“I know.”
“No, you don't.”
I turned my head.
She must've realized how that sounded because her face changed.
“I didn't mean?—”
“Yes, you did.”
“Billion.”
“It's cool.”
“No, it's not.”
I stood.
She grabbed my hand before I could move away.
“I know this affects you too.”
I looked down at her.
Did she?
Because most days I wasn't sure anybody did.
And that wasn't her fault.
She was the one bleeding. She was the one in hospital beds. She was the one getting ultrasounds and hearing that there wasn't a heartbeat anymore. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Stand beside her crying about how hard it was for me?
Hell no.
So I learned to shut up. I handled what needed handling. Called the doctors. Got the car. Brought her home. Made sure she ate. Held her when she cried. Then when she finally went to sleep, I dealt with my own shit.
“You don't gotta worry about me,” I said.
“But I do.”
“Then stop.”
“That ain't how marriage works.”
A little smile pulled at my mouth.
“Now you know how marriage works?”
“Wow ass hole.”
“There she go.”
She pulled me toward her until I was standing between her legs.
I rested my hands on her shoulders.
“We're gonna do the second transfer,” I said. “We're gonna follow what the doctor says. Nyrobi's gonna do what she's supposed to do. And then we're gonna wait.”
“I hate waiting.”
“I know.”
“I really hate it.”
“I know that too.”
She wrapped her arms around my waist and laid her head against me.
I kissed the top of it.
For a minute, neither one of us said anything.
Then, of course…
“Did Nyrobi take her medication this morning?”
I closed my eyes.
“Kaizleigh.”
“What?”
“You were doing good.”
She laughed into my shirt.
“I'm just asking.”
“Call her.”
“She told me stop calling so much.”
“Then don't call her.”
“But what if?—”
“Baby.”
She looked up.
“Leave that girl alone for a few hours.”
“Fine.”
“And go throw the rest of them pregnancy tests away.”
“I paid for those.”
“I don't give a fuck.”
She sucked her teeth.
I bent down and kissed her.
“I'll see you later.”
“Where you going?”
“Work.”
“Can you stop by Nyrobi's?”
I stared at her.
She smiled.
“Since I'm supposed to leave her alone.”
“Mhm.” “How the fuck is sending me over there leaving her alone?”
“Because I'm not going.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Yes, it does.”
“No, it don't.”
“Billion, she has some paperwork from the clinic that needs to be dropped off before her appointment.”
“Then she can take it.”
“She works tomorrow.”
“So?”
“And Ms. Juanita needed something picked up from the pharmacy.”
I narrowed my eyes.
“You already planned this.”
“No.”
“You lying.”
“Maybe a little.”
I shook my head.
“What pharmacy?”
Her whole face lit up.
“I'll text it to you.”
“Don't smile like that.”
“Thank you, baby.”
“I ain't doing it for you.”
“Who you doing it for?”
I grabbed my keys.
“Juanita.”
I stopped.
“What the fuck that mean?”
“Nothing.”
“Kaizleigh.”
“Have a good day!”
I looked at her another second before leaving. That woman got on my damn nerves, but I loved her.
By the time I made it to Windermere, the sun was already starting to drop. The pharmacy bag was sitting on the passenger seat along with the envelope Kaizleigh had somehow forgotten to mention until after I left the house. I pulled into the driveway and noticed Nyrobi's car wasn't there.
I called her but there was no answer. I looked at the house. Then called again. Still nothing. I was about to leave the shit with Juanita when the garage opened. Nyrobi's car came creeping inside sounding like it needed to be taken behind the house and put out of its misery.
I got out.
She stepped out of the car with a fast-food cup in one hand and her purse hanging off her shoulder.
The second she saw me, she stopped.
“Oh, hell.”
“What?”
“Why you here?”
“Good to see you too.”
She closed the car door.
“If Kaizleigh sent you to ask me if I took my medicine, tell her I'm changing my number.”
“She didn't.”
Nyrobi looked at me.
“She sent you.”
“For something else.”
“What?”
I held up the pharmacy bag.
Her face changed.
“Mama's medicine?”
“Yeah.”
“I was getting that.”
“I know.”
“Then why you get it?”
“Because I was already out.”
“You was already out in Windermere?”
“No.”
“Then you weren't already out.”
I stared at her.
She stared back.
“You wanna give it back?”
“No.”
“Then what the fuck we talking about?”
She sucked her teeth and walked toward me.
“Y'all really don't know how to let nobody do shit for themselves.”
“You do plenty for yourself.”
“Clearly not if everybody keep doing shit for me.”
I handed her the bag.
“Did you take your medicine?”
Her head snapped up.
“I fucking knew it!”
I laughed.
“I'm asking now.”
“Tell your wife yes.”
“She didn't tell me to ask.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“No.”
She opened the door leading into the house.
“Come on.”
I followed her inside. Juanita was in the living room watching TV. She looked over and smiled when she saw me.
“Hey, baby.”
“How you feeling?”
Nyrobi groaned behind me.
“Mama, see? They don't know nothing else to ask you.”
Juanita laughed.
“I'm good, baby.”
I handed her the pharmacy bag.
Her smile faded.
“Oh, you didn't have to do that.”
“That's what your daughter said.”
“Because you didn't.”
“I was in the area.”
Nyrobi coughed.
“Liar.”
I looked at her.
“What?”
“You just told me you wasn't already out here.”
Juanita laughed.
“Leave that man alone.”
“See? Everybody taking his side now.”
“Ain't nobody taking sides.”
Juanita started opening the pharmacy bag.
I handed Nyrobi the envelope.
“Kaizleigh said this needs to go to the clinic.”
“She could've emailed it.”
“I don't know. I'm just the delivery man.”
Nyrobi smiled.
“Rich ass delivery man.”
“There you go.”
Juanita looked between us.
“I need to go lay down.”
Nyrobi's attention immediately shifted.
“You okay?”
“I'm fine.”
“You dizzy?”
“No.”
“Chest hurting?”
“No.”
“Breathing okay?”
“Nyrobi.”
“What?”
“I said I'm fine.”
Nyrobi still watched her.
Juanita stood.
“I took my medicine. I'm tired. Old people take naps.”
“You not that old.”
“I feel old dealing with y'all.”
She started down the hallway.
“I'll be in my room.”
“Call me if you need me.”
“I'm ten feet away.”
“I don't care.”
Juanita waved her off.
I waited until her bedroom door closed before looking at Nyrobi.
“You do that every time?”
“Do what?”
“Ask her fifteen questions when she says she's tired.”
“Mind your business.”
“I'm asking.”
“And I'm telling you mind your business.”