10
I’m pretty sure every little girl had a life-sized baby doll to play with growing up. While Gage was busy building a fortress out of Lego, and Rafe was killing zombies on the latest video game, I was sat in the middle of my bed, feeding my pretend baby bottle to my pretend baby.
Her name was Sally, and I don’t think I ever loved any toy more than I loved her. I was six when I got her for my birthday, and she was glued to my arms every day for years, hell I’d even take her in the bathtub with me.
My mom always told me what a wonderful mother I’d become one day when I was older, and then she’d tell me the same story she’d told me and my brothers a million times before. The story of how giving birth to her children was the best thing that ever happened to her, the greatest gift—except for marrying our dad, of course.
I couldn’t wait to be older, to fall in love like my parents and have a baby of my very own. To create a family.
But now that’ll never happen.
It hasn’t quite sunk in yet, the fact that everything I’ve ever wanted is out of reach to me, and my life has slammed to a screeching halt.
I know in reality it’s not the end of the world, but right now, it feels like the end of my world.
And I’m not really sure how to process that.
The door to my hospital room opens a fraction and Reese pokes her head around. “Knock knock, care for a visitor?” She gives me a hesitant smile which widens when I give her a barely there nod.
She must see it as progress seeing as how I haven’t moved so much as a single muscle in three days other than to use the bathroom, eat and shower—not by choice, and only when the smell surrounding me got so bad I was on the verge of vomiting.
I haven’t been taking visitors. Every single person who has come in the hopes to provide me company and comfort, I’ve turned away. I couldn’t face having to talk to anyone and pretend I’m okay, because I’m not.
I’m so far from being okay.
Every day I’d turn my family away, but every day they try again hoping I’ll change my mind, but as much as I don’t want to see anyone, I can’t keep pushing them away forever.
Reese moves further into the room carrying one of the weekend bags from under my bed. “I brought you some clothes and toiletries and one of your smutty romance novels you like in case you get bored.” Her smile dies in an instant. “Shit, I bet reading about that is probably the last thing on your mind right now. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine, I appreciate it.” There are no feelings behind my words.
She takes a seat by my side. “Della said she’d stop by later, if that’s okay?”
The mention of my other best friend and sister-in-law lightens the heaviness in my chest. “Yeah, that’ll be nice.”
“And um… Gage and Rafe are desperate to see you.”
I bristle at their names. “No. Not yet.”
I still haven’t forgiven them for lying to me, for not telling me the truth of how my mom really died when I was eight years old. How could they not tell me that the car accident that killed her wasn’t an accident at all? That it was Della’s father who orchestrated the whole thing thinking it was my dad driving that night instead?
The night I found out I left the house and wound up in the waiting arms of the devil himself, and a part of me blames them for that. If they’d just told the truth, none of what I endured would have happened.
“I know they hurt you, but they love you, Si.”
“And I don’t doubt that, but I’m not ready to see them yet.”
She doesn’t fight me on the subject and I’m glad, I barely have the energy to talk let alone enter into an argument.
“You know… Alec hasn’t left the hospital at all since you were brought in here. Not once.”
My interest piques at the mention of his name. “What?”
“He’s out there, right now. He refuses to move too far in case you need him. The only time he’s left the ward is to go the cafeteria downstairs or to use the bathroom.”
My heart flutters in my chest.
“It was him that found you, you know. The entire plan to rescue you was his. He went in alone, he risked getting killed just to get you out of there.”
A memory from that night pops into my head, the last one I have before everything faded to black.
I’ve got you, princess…
“I remember,” I breathe out. “I remember his voice.” I remember the solidness of his chest, the warmth of his arms wrapped around me.
All the while I was in that prison, lying naked and cold on that soiled mattress, somehow I always knew he’d find me. I felt it. I never doubted him for one single moment, and the knowledge of him sat outside my hospital room, on guard, makes me feel safe.
“In the two and a half weeks you were gone, he was beside himself. He wasn’t eating or sleeping… All he could think about was you. I know you probably don’t see it, or maybe you do, but that beautiful man out there is crazy about you, he’d do anything for you.”
Warmth pools in my belly and I smile to myself.
“Listen, I have to go. Ivy has a school presentation tonight, it’s like an art exhibition for all the kids in her year.”
“Have fun. Give her a kiss from me, will you?” I ask.
“Of course.” She reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Love you, babe.”
She waves goodbye as she disappears out the door.
I spend the next half an hour trawling through the fifteen crappy TV channels on the small television fixed to the far corner of my room, a TV so ancient it’s probably older than I am.
I have a choice between some old 70s crime drama, a Clint Eastwood movie, a top ten countdown on America’s saddest heartbreak songs and a reality show where the main cast has more plastic in their bodies than all the oceans combined.
Absolutely not.
Instead, I drag the bag that Reese brought me closer and sift through it.
I find the book Reese packed for me. It’s one of the more light-hearted and censored of the books I’m used to reading, but according to TikTok, it’s not lacking in the romance department.
I used to get lost in books like these, my innocent mind swirling with ideas, the space between my legs throbbing as I imagined that I was the girl in the book I was reading, that it was me the hot main character was doing all those dirty things to. But now, I feel nothing. No racing heart, no ache in my core. It’s like that part of me is gone.
Will I ever get it back?
I slam the book closed and toss it onto the table bedside my bed.
I need to use the bathroom. Swinging my legs off the edge of the bed, I hoist myself up while my hand clutches my belly. The pain in my abdomen has eased somewhat, but it’s still a struggle to stand up straight or walk by myself. Up until now, one of the nurses has had to help me into the bathroom, but I’m determined to give it a go on my own. I hate relying on people for help, I always feel like I’m a burden, something I’ve always said I never wanted to become.
It takes me what feels like an hour to make it to the bathroom and use the toilet, but I manage it, barely. I pull open the door and manoeuvre myself out. I shuffle back across the room towards my bed, but my sock slips on the floor and I lose my balance.
“Shit!” I cry as I go down hard on my knee, my fractured arm reaching out to soften the fall. Pain ricochets through my arm as I hit the floor, hard.
The door bursts open and Alec is there, rushing towards me. “Sierra!”
“I’m fine, I just slipped.” My cheeks burn with embarrassment.
“Let me help.” Crouching beside me, he holds out his hand rather than reach for me.
My skin tingles from his touch as I take his hand, and with his other, he wraps an arm around my waist, careful of my stitches and my ribs as he sets me back on my feet.
He doesn’t let go straight away. He keeps his arm secured around my waist, his hand still clutching mine as I let my eyes flick up to meet his.
His stormy eyes are heavy-lidded, like he hasn’t slept in weeks, his dark brown hair a dishevelled but beautiful mess on top of his head and there’s several days worth of unshaven scruff on his jaw and cheeks. The once crisp white Henley is covered in dirt and blood. My blood. His faded grey jeans are about the same.
Why hasn’t he changed?
He goes to reach for my face, but he stops himself, dropping his arm from around me and taking a step back. My heart sinks a little.
I start towards the bed again, and Alec walks beside me, a steady hand on the small of my back as I settle back onto the mattress.
He runs a hand through his hair, and I notice the hint of uncertainty in his eyes, and it’s a look I’m not familiar with. “I should uh… get out of your hair.”
“No. Stay.”
His face brightens at my words and without a moment’s hesitation, he lowers himself into the chair beside me.
Silence falls between us, neither one of us knowing what to say to the other. I can’t remember a time I ever felt this awkward around him. Conversations have always flowed so easily between us, whether it was flirty banter or something more serious, I was never left stuck on what to say.
“It was you holding my hand when I woke up the other day, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m so sorry I flipped out on you, I thought you were someone else.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s understandable considering the circumstances.”
“It was weird. I heard your voice, I heard you call me princess like you always do, but the face I saw wasn’t yours, it was one of theirs.”
“I shouldn’t have been in here, the last thing I wanted was to make things more difficult for you.” He scrubs his stubbled face like he wants to say something else. “This is probably a stupid question but, how are you doing?”
“Honestly? Not great,” I reply. “Thank you. For coming to my rescue. For saving my life and for risking yours to save mine. If it hadn’t been for you, I might not be here right now.”
He flinches, like the thought pains him. “You don’t ever have to thank me, princess. I was just doing what I was hired to do.”
“Was that the only reason?” The question slips out before I can stop it.
His eyes burn into mine. “You know that’s not the only reason.” It’s a loaded answer that neither of us need expand on.
Except for the moment of weakness at my birthday party, we’ve never openly expressed our attraction to each other, or how deeply we care, but we both know it without a word ever being spoken of it.
“I knew you’d come for me.”
There’s a sadness in his gaze, but it’s not a look of pity, it’s one of regret. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you sooner. We searched for you day and night. And then there were those fucking pictures and that video…” he grits out.
I cringe. I know exactly what he’s referring to. “Don’t give them another thought, please. I’m safe now, you made sure of that. I just want to put it all behind me. I don’t want you to think of me like… that.” Weak. Violated. Broken.
“My guy, Max, he works for the FBI. He helped me get you out. He’s going to stop by soon to ask you a few questions when you’re feeling up to it.”
“Okay,” I say quietly.
He slumps back into his chair and releases a long drawn-out yawn that he covers with the back of his hand.
“Alec, will you do something for me?”
“Anything.”
“Go home. You’re exhausted and as much as I appreciate you standing guard outside my door day and night, I need you to take care of yourself too. Go home and sleep. Have something to eat. I’ll still be here when you get back.”
“I don’t want to leave you. Unprotected, I mean.”
“I won’t be. I’m assuming my brothers aren’t too far away?”
“They’re outside.”
“See? I’ll be fine. Please, go. Do it for me?”
After a moment, he nods, rising from the chair. “I’ll see you later, princess.”