11. Sha’nelle Harper #2
I stayed right here lookin’ into his eyes ‘cause I needed him to hear me instead of hearin’ whatever the hell he wanted to hear.
I wasn’t tellin’ him I ain’t love him. I wasn’t tellin’ him I never wanted to see him again either.
I was just askin’ him not to bulldoze his way through another situation ‘cause he couldn’t stand not gettin’ what he wanted.
Renza eventually looked down and rubbed his hands together before glancin’ back at me.
“I got an Airbnb,” Renza told me. “Come stay with me tonight.”
I closed my eyes and sighed ‘cause of course his ass had somewhere for us to go already.
“No, Renza,” I told him.
“Just come with me, ‘Nelle,” he tried again. “We ain’t even gotta argue. I just wanna be with you.”
“I said no,” I repeated, openin’ my eyes. “And you need to leave from in front of my mama house. You makin’ her uncomfortable, and I’m not doin’ this with you out here all night.”
Renza stared at me for so long that I started wonderin’ if he was gon’ listen at all. His eyes moved over my face, and I could tell he wanted to say somethin’ else, but eventually he gave me a small nod.
“A’ight,” he finally replied, and even though he agreed, the look in his eyes told me he wasn’t nowhere close to done. “I’ll leave from in front of her shit.”
“Thank you,” I told him, and I meant it ‘cause I ain’t have the energy to fight him no more tonight.
He stepped closer to me again, and I almost backed away until I realized he wasn’t reachin’ for me. He just stood there lookin’ down at me for a second before he spoke.
“But I ain’t leavin’ Greystone City,” he told me. “I’mma be right here until you ready to come back home with me. However long that shit take.”
My stomach twisted ‘cause I knew he meant every word.
“Renza…” I started, already knowin’ this nigga wasn’t about to make nothin’ easy.
“I said I’m leavin’ from in front of yo’ mama house,” he reminded me. “I ain’t say shit about leavin’ you.”
I ain’t even know what to say to that.
Renza held my eyes for another second before he finally turned away from me and walked back toward the rental. I stood here clutchin’ my purse against my side while I watched him open the driver’s door and get inside. The car started a few seconds later.
I swallowed hard as Renza pulled away from the curb, and my eyes followed those taillights until he made it down the street.
My emotions was everywhere, and I couldn’t even figure out which one I was supposed to deal with first. I was mad that he came here.
I was relieved that he finally left from in front of my mama house, but underneath all that shit was the part of me that had wanted to stay in his arms when he hugged me.
My phone started ringin’ inside my purse before I could even get myself together.
I reached inside and pulled it out, and the second I saw Couture’s name across the screen, my stomach dropped.
“Shit,” I whispered as I looked down at it.
I wiped under my eyes even though I wasn’t cryin’ yet, took a second to pull myself together and answered.
“Hey, baby,” I greeted him, tryna make my voice sound as normal as possible.
“You make it home?” He asked me.
“Yeah, I made it,” I answered as I turned toward the house. “I’m here with my mama now. We talkin’ about what’s goin’ on with my family member, so I’mma call you when we finish, okay?”
“Okay, baby,” Couture replied. “I just wanted to make sure you made it home straight.”
“I did,” I assured him while lookin’ down at the pavement. “I’m good.”
There was a small pause on the phone before Couture spoke again.
“I love you,” he told me.
My feet stopped movin’…
For a second, I really thought I heard him wrong. Couture had shown me in plenty of ways that his feelin’s for me was gettin’ deeper, but hearin’ those words come through the phone right after I had been wrapped in Renza’s arms hit me so damn hard that I couldn’t answer.
“Sha’Nelle?” Couture called after I stayed quiet. “I say somethin’ wrong?”
My eyes filled before I could stop ‘em.
“No,” I answered quick, but my voice cracked enough for me to know he heard it. “No, baby, you ain’t say nothin’ wrong.”
The first tear fell down my cheek, and once that one came, the rest followed so damn fast that I had to cover my mouth for a second. I turned away from the house ‘cause I knew my mama was probably somewhere lookin’ out the window, and I ain’t want her seein’ me outside fallin’ apart.
“You sure?” Couture asked, and I could hear the concern in his voice now.
“I’m sure,” I told him while wipin’ at my face. “I just… I need a minute, baby. It’s a lot goin’ on right now, and I’m overwhelmed as hell.”
Couture stayed quiet for a second before answerin’ me. “A’ight, baby. Take your time. I’m here if you need me.”
That only made the tears come harder.
“Thank you,” I managed to get out while wiping my face again. “I’mma call you later, okay?”
“Okay,” he replied. “Handle what you need to handle.”
After we got off the phone, I lowered it from my ear and stood here in the driveway cryin’ ‘cause I really ain’t know how much more of this shit I could take.
Renza had just stood in front of me tellin’ me he loved me, tellin’ me he missed me and that he wasn’t leavin’ my city until I came back home with him.
I could still smell his cologne on my clothes from the way he had held me, and if I was bein’ real with myself, I could still feel his arms around me too.
Then Couture called and told me he loved me for the first time.
I wiped both hands over my face and looked down the street where Renza’s rental had disappeared, but there wasn’t nothin’ there no more.
That should’ve made shit easier, but it ain’t.
If anything, I felt more fucked up than I did before I came home ‘cause I couldn’t lie and say I ain’t feel nothin’ when Renza held me. I damn sure couldn’t lie and act like hearin’ Couture tell me he loved me ain’t just cracked somethin’ open inside me either.
I loved Renza. That was the truth I kept runnin’ into no matter how hard I tried to move around it, but lovin’ him ain’t erase everything between us. It ain’t mean I could hop in his car tonight and go back to Trill-Land like none of this other shit existed.
I looked down at my phone one more time before shovin’ it inside my purse and finally walkin’ toward the house.
At this point, I ain’t know what the fuck I was gon’ do.
All I knew was that Renza was somewhere in my city waitin’ on me, Couture had just told me he loved me and my heart felt like it was gettin’ pulled in two different directions at the same damn time.
Couture had been gone for three days, and I had been tryna keep my mind on anything except the fact that Renza was still somewhere in Greystone City refusin’ to take his ass home.
The day Couture left, I had already been thinkin’ ahead ‘cause I knew how Renza moved when he had some shit goin’ on in his head.
I wasn’t about to drive my own car to Couture’s apartment and give that nigga a chance to follow me over there, so I called one of my cousins and asked if I could borrow her car for a few hours.
She ain’t ask me a bunch of questions, which I appreciated, and once she handed me the keys, I drove straight to Couture’s place.
I spent the first part of the day helpin’ him finish packin’. Couture already had most of his clothes laid out, but there was still lil’ shit everywhere that he would’ve forgotten if I wasn’t there.
I folded shirts, matched up a few outfits for him, and kept remindin’ him about chargers and whatever else he needed for the trip while he moved through the apartment gettin’ everything together.
Every few minutes he would stop what he was doin’ just to kiss me or pull me close for a second before goin’ right back to packin’, and I ain’t complain ‘cause I knew I wasn’t gon’ see him for another two weeks.
When it was time to leave, I drove him to the airport in my cousin’s car and stayed with him until he had to go inside.
Couture hugged me for a long time before kissin’ me and tellin’ me he would call once he landed.
I watched him walk away with his bags before I finally got back in the car, and I ain’t pull off until I couldn’t see him no more.
Once I returned my cousin’s car, I thought maybe I could finally get a few days where everything wasn’t so damn complicated. But Renza clearly had other plans.
For the next few days, that nigga made sure I couldn’t go too long without bein’ reminded that he was still here.
It started the mornin’ after Couture left when I opened the front door and found this big ass arrangement of flowers sittin’ on the porch.
They was beautiful too, which irritated me even more ‘cause Renza knew exactly what kind of flowers I liked. There was a card tucked inside, and instead of writin’ some long ass paragraph beggin’ me to talk to him, all he wrote was that he missed me and hoped I had a good day.
I read the note twice before I caught myself and sucked my teeth.
The flowers still came inside with me, though…
The next day, I came outside to leave and found another note tucked under the windshield wiper of my car. I ain’t even have to open it to know who left it, and for a few seconds, I stood there starin’ at that folded piece of paper ‘cause I couldn’t believe Renza was still keepin’ this shit up.
When I finally opened it, his message was short.
You can keep me blocked, ‘Nelle. I’m still gon’ love you.
“Boy, if you don’t go the fuck home,” I muttered, even though I folded the note back up and put it inside my purse.
That was how Renza had been gettin’ me. He wasn’t blowin’ my phone up no more or sittin’ outside the house all night like he had done when he first got here.
Instead, he had started movin’ different.
He would leave somethin’ and disappear before I could catch him.
One afternoon it was food from a spot he knew I loved.
The next mornin’ there was another arrangement on the porch, and later that same day, I found a note on my car tellin’ me he hoped I was smilin’.