11. Sha’nelle Harper
Trill-Land
Four days later…
Four damn days passed and I still couldn’t get in touch with Renza, and every hour I stayed on this island made the need to see him dig deeper into my skin.
I thought gettin’ to Trill-Land was gon’ give me some type of relief, like once my feet touched the ground, my heart would calm down enough for me to think straight. That ain’t happen. If anything, bein’ here made shit worse ’cause everywhere I looked had some piece of Renza attached to it.
The streets, the restaurants, the water, the big ass houses sittin’ behind gates and the way people moved around. To me, Trill-Land had always been Renza’s world, and now I was here in the middle of it with no way to reach him.
The first day at Pluto’s, I barely did anything but sit around tryna act like I wasn’t fallin’ apart every time my phone lit up and it wasn’t him.
Pluto ain’t make me talk more than I wanted to, and that helped ’cause I ain’t have it in me to keep explainin’ the same hurt.
She let me sit with Isley for a while, and holdin’ my godbaby should’ve made me feel better.
She was so small and pretty, with them soft lil’ sounds and her tiny hand curlin’ around my finger.
That almost made me cry all over again ’cause I ain’t feel like I knew what I was doin’ at all.
Zurie came and sat by me too, talkin’ about some show she had been watchin’ and askin’ if I remembered when she used to stay under me while everybody else was busy. I smiled for her, and I listened, but my mind kept slippin’ away.
Kaylon ran through the room twice before one of the nannies caught him, and Prestyn was somewhere fussin’ ‘cause he ain’t want what they had cooked for lunch.
It felt good seein’ the kids, and it hurt at the same time ‘cause this house had good energy movin’ through it. It had family, noise, babies, food, staff, music and all the things people built when they was in love.
Renza’s room was there and I knew that. I ain’t need nobody to point it out, and as bad as I wanted to stand outside his door, touch the handle or see if somethin’ inside still had him on it, I ain’t do it.
That would’ve been disrespectful to Pluto and Pressure, and it would’ve been disrespectful to the fact that this wasn’t my house.
Pluto had already given me more grace than I probably deserved by lettin’ me stay there, and I wasn’t finna repay her by sneakin’ around like I ain’t have no home trainin’.
Pressure had been around, but he was keepin’ his distance in a way that made me feel worse.
He wasn’t rude to me. He ain’t try to put me out, and he ain’t make me feel like I couldn’t eat or sit in the same room, but I could tell he was tryna stay out the way.
Sometimes I would walk in the kitchen and he would be there talkin’ to Pluto or kissin’ on one of the babies, and the second he saw me, he would get quiet enough for me to feel it.
He wasn’t cold like Kay’Lo had been, but he was just… careful.
I was sure he knew everything, though. I knew he knew Renza wasn’t comin’ home because of me, and he knew his wife had opened the door to the woman who had his cousin out here sleepin’ in hotels instead of in his own bed.
The second day was when sittin’ still started fuckin’ with me for real.
I ain’t have Renza’s location, and I ain’t have nobody willin’ to give it to me, so I started thinkin’ about the lil’ things I did know from when I lived with Toni and Kay’Lo for that year.
I also thought of the places Renza used to tell me about whenever he visited Greystone and we was laid up, just smokin’ and choppin’ it up.
From spendin’ time with Renza, I knew he had routines even when he acted like he didn’t.
So I took Ubers around Trill-Land with my phone in my hand and my nerves actin’ stupid every time we turned down a street that looked familiar.
I had already reached the point where shame wasn’t stronger than me wantin’ Renza, so when the Uber pulled up near the barber shop I remembered him talkin’ about before, I got my ass out.
I ain’t sit in the car pretendin’ I was above it, and I ain’t ride past tryna convince myself not to look crazy.
I walked straight inside with my purse on my shoulder, my phone in my hand and my heart beatin’ like I had lost every bit of sense I ever had.
The whole shop looked up when I came in.
A nigga in the first chair stopped mid-cut and looked at me through the mirror.
Two other niggas near the back turned they heads, and the one sweepin’ hair by the door paused with the broom in his hand like he was tryna figure out if I was lost or about to start somethin’.
I knew how I looked, but clearly I ain’t give a damn.
“Got damn,” I heard one nigga sat, but I ignored that shit.
“Y’all know if Renza be comin’ in here?” I asked, lookin’ around the shop.
The dude with the clippers lowered his hand and stared at me. “Who askin’?”
I lifted my chin like that question ain’t make my stomach drop. “Sha’Nelle.”
That name moved through the room without nobody repeatin’ it.
One nigga looked down at his phone like he suddenly had business. Another one pressed his lips together like he was fightin’ a laugh. The barber in front of me looked me over like he was tryna decide how honest he could be without gettin’ caught in some shit that ain’t have nothin’ to do with him.
“He ain’t here,” he finally said.
“I see he ain’t here,” I said. “I’m askin’ do he still come here?”
The nigga sweepin’ by the door made a sound under his breath, and I cut my eyes at him so fast he went back to pushin’ that bent up ass broom.
The barber shook his head. “I’on know what to tell you.”
To me, that meant yes. I knew it meant yes, and that made me feel crazier ‘cause I was close enough to a piece of Renza’s life to know I wasn’t completely lost, but still not close enough to touch him.
I stood here for another second, lookin’ at niggas who acted like they knew exactly who I was askin’ about and probably knew why, but nobody was about to give that man up.
“A’ight,” I said, swallowin’ down how stupid I felt. “If he come through, tell him Sha’Nelle was lookin’ for him.”
The barber ain’t promise me nothin’. He just nodded once, and I walked out the shop with my face hot and my pride somewhere on the floor behind me.
As soon as I got back in the Uber, I sat there starin’ out the window like I ain’t just walked into a barber shop askin’ strangers about a man who had been duckin’ me for days, but I had. And the worst part was, I would’ve done it again.
By the third day, my pride had already stopped fightin’ me. I was callin’ from new numbers, textin’ from apps and tryna get anybody who might know somethin’ without makin’ it too obvious that I had lost my mind behind this nigga.
Even though I was tempted, I ain’t ask Pressure where he was ‘cause I already knew damn well he wasn’t givin’ me that, and I respected it even though it made me wanna scream.
I asked Pluto lil’ questions when I could, paid attention to what people ain’t say and rode through more of Trill-Land than I had ever seen when I actually lived around the circle.
Every time I came up short, it made me feel smaller.
By the fourth day, Pluto told me to get dressed ‘cause she and Toni was takin’ me to brunch.
I ain’t wanna go at first. I wanted to stay in that room and keep starin’ at my phone like Renza’s name might show up, but Pluto walked in and gave me a look that told me I needed to stop sittin’ in the same spot before I turned into the furniture.
Toni texted me not long after, sayin’ she was on the way, and my stomach twisted ’cause I already knew shit had been bad at her house since that night.
Now we was sittin’ at this pretty brunch spot near the water, and I was tryna keep myself together in front of two women who knew I wasn’t together at all.
The place was nice, with white tables, big windows, gold lights and a view that made the ocean look like it had been placed specifically there just for rich people to stare at while they ate.
Pluto sat across from me in a soft cream outfit with her hair pinned back, lookin’ calm in a way that made me wish I had even half of that in me. Toni sat beside me in dark shades even though we was inside, and she had been quiet since we got here except for orderin’ wine.
I picked over my food more than I ate it. My stomach hadn’t been right since I landed, and every time I tried to swallow, it felt like my body wanted to reject anything that wasn’t an answer from Renza. I took a sip of my mimosa, then sat back and looked between them.
“I still can’t believe me and Kay’Lo got into it like that,” I said, keepin’ my voice low. “Like, I know the nigga mad. I get why he mad, but that shit don’t feel real. Me and ’Lo always been cool.”
Toni ain’t say nothin’, but her fingers tightened around the stem of her glass.
I looked down at my plate and moved a piece of chicken around with my fork.
Pluto watched me with her soft eyes, but she ain’t rush to save me from the truth.
“I know I brought a lot with me,” I admitted.
“I know I’m bleedin’ on everybody right now, and I’m not tryna do that.
I swear I’m not. I just need Renza to talk to me.
That’s it. I ain’t askin’ nobody to make him forgive me, and I ain’t askin’ nobody to drag him to me.
I just need one conversation with him, and bein’ here make that shit worse ‘cause I know he close. I just can’t get to him. ”
Toni took a sip of wine and looked toward the window like she needed the water to keep from sayin’ somethin’ too fast.
Pluto sat her fork down and leaned in a lil’. “You and Pressure got a lot of the same in y’all.”
I frowned a lil’, ‘cause I ain’t expect her to say that. “Me and Pressure?”