11. Sha’nelle Harper #2
She nodded. “Yes. Y’all both get stuck inside what y’all feel, and once that feeling gets big enough, y’all start moving from that place before y’all really think about what it might do to everybody around y’all.
Pressure is a Scorpio, and so are you. Y’all feel deep, but y’all don’t always show it the right way. ”
I let out a light breath and looked down. “That sound like a read.”
“It’s not a read,” Pluto said, and her voice stayed gentle.
“It’s just what I see. Renza is a Virgo like me.
His birthday is two days from mine, so I understand a lot of how he processes things because I process the same way.
He can love hard, but he still needs what he feels to make sense in his mind.
Once something stops making sense to him, he starts protecting himself by getting quiet and pulling away. ”
I swallowed ‘cause that sounded too much like what had been happenin’.
Pluto kept talkin’, but she ain’t sound like she was fussin’.
“Renza chased you for a long time. He moved with his heart, his anger and his pride all mixed up and I think he was willing to keep doing that because he believed there was still a place for him. When he found out about the engagement the way he did, it probably made him feel like he had been standing outside a door that was never really open.”
My eyes started burnin’, and I blinked down at my lap.
“I ain’t want him to find out like that,” I said.
“I believe you,” Pluto answered. “But sometimes what you meant to do and what somebody felt from it don’t end up in the same place.”
That made me quiet ‘cause I couldn’t argue with it.
I had been holdin’ on to the fact that I ain’t mean to hurt Renza like that, but what did that really change when he still got hurt?
He still watched that video. He still had to hear about my engagement from another man.
He still had to sit with whatever that did to him while I was in Greystone tryna force my life into somethin’ that looked easier.
Pluto reached for her water and took a sip before she spoke again. “I’m not saying don’t fight for him. I understand why you came, and I understand needing to see somebody’s face before you can accept anything. I’m saying you have to be careful that your fight for him doesn’t become more damage.”
Toni finally looked over at Pluto then, but she still ain’t speak.
Pluto looked back at me. “Renza not answering you is an answer for right now, even if it’s not the answer you want.
That doesn’t mean he’ll never talk to you, but it does mean he’s asking for space in the only way he knows how to ask for it without saying something worse.
If you push too hard, you might make him feel like you’re still not hearing him. ”
I pressed my lips together and nodded, even though every part of me wanted to reject that. “So what I’m supposed to do? Just sit here and wait?”
“No,” Pluto said. “You need to get clear. Not just about Renza, but about yourself. You can’t go to him with half a truth and expect him to trust it. Before you ask him to hear you, you need to know what you’re really saying.”
I stared at her ‘cause that hit deeper than I expected it to.
“I know what I wanna say,” I told her. “I wanna tell him I came here for him. I wanna tell him I’m not confused about what I feel when it come to him.
I wanna tell him I want us to really try this time without all the runnin’, blockin’, fussin’ and hurtin’ each other just to prove a point.
I want him to know I wanna be with him for real.
I wanna go look at houses with him. I wanna marry him.
I wanna build a life with him if he still see one with me. ”
Toni got quiet beside me, and Pluto watched me without jumpin’ in.
My eyes burned, but my voice ain’t break this time.
“I know how crazy this shit sound when I still got other shit attached to me. I know Renza ain’t gon’ like that.
I know he probably gon’ look at me like I lost my fuckin’ mind if I say I need him to hear me before I know how to move everything else.
But that’s the truth, y’all. I came here ’cause I need to know if he still want me.
I need him to say somethin’. Even if it’s ugly, even if it hurt, I still need to hear it from him. ”
Pluto sat back and nodded like she understood me better now.
Toni sighed beside me, and when I looked over, she lifted her wine and took another sip. She sat the glass down slow, then pulled her shades off and set them on the table. Her eyes looked tired, and that made guilt move through me before she even opened her mouth.
“I love you, Nelle,” she said, and her voice was softer. “You know I love you. That ain’t never been up for debate.”
“I know,” I said.
“But it’s been hell in my house for four days,” she admitted, lookin’ at me with all that hurt she had been tryna hide. “Kay’Lo ain’t been yellin’ or doin’ crazy shit. But he not givin’ me him.”
That sentence sat between us, and I felt it even before she kept goin’.
Toni looked down at her glass, and for a second, she ain’t say nothin’. When she finally spoke, her voice was low enough for only me and Pluto to hear her.
“Me and ‘Lo was supposed to be makin’ a baby,” she said. “And y’all know that. That was somethin’ we both wanted, and now he talkin’ about puttin’ it off.”
I sat back, and guilt moved through me again before I could stop it. “Because of this?”
Toni nodded, but she ain’t look mad in the way I expected her to. She looked hurt, and that made it worse.
“He said he don’t wanna bring another baby into tension,” she said.
“He said when I was pregnant with My’Love, we had too much goin’ on around us, and he don’t wanna do that again.
He want us good for real before we make another baby, and I understand that, but it still hurt hearin’ him say we need to wait.
‘Cause nigga, how you gon’ tell me when I can have another damn baby? ”
Pluto stayed quiet, and I looked down at my hands ‘cause I ain’t have nothin’ quick to say.
Toni rubbed her thumb along the side of her glass. “Four days ago, we was in a whole different place. Now my husband lookin’ at me like he gotta protect the peace in our house from me too, and I hate that shit.”
“Toni,” I said soft.
She shook her head and looked over at me.
“I’m not sayin’ that to make you feel worse, ‘Nelle. I’m just tellin’ you why I been quiet.
I love you, and I’m always gon’ love you, but I’m somebody wife too.
I can’t keep movin’ like Kay’Lo don’t got a reason to feel how he feel just ‘cause I understand why you came here.”
My eyes filled, and I nodded ‘cause she was right. I had known it, but hearin’ Toni say it made it real in a way I couldn’t step around.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry, Toni. I don’t want you and ’Lo goin’ through all this ‘cause of me.”
“I know you is,” she said. “And I ain’t mad at you for comin’ to me.
You my cousin, and I’m always gon’ love you.
But I’m also married to a crazy ass nigga, and I gotta live in that house when all this shit cool down.
I can’t keep movin’ like Kay’Lo feelin’s ain’t real just ‘cause I understand yours.”
I nodded again, and this time a tear slipped down before I could stop it. “I’m not pressin’ you to take my side.”
“I know,” Toni said. “But I’m in the middle even when you don’t press me.
You and Kay’Lo both got pieces of me, and y’all both hardheaded as hell in different ways.
Then Renza somewhere hidin’ from everybody, and Pressure over there tryna get his house back from all this stress.
Pluto holdin’ you together like she ain’t got a whole husband and babies to worry about. It’s a lot, ‘Nelle.”
Pluto gave Toni a soft look, then reached across the table and touched her hand. “It is a lot.”
Toni nodded, and for a second, all three of us sat here quiet ‘cause nobody knew what to say.
I looked at both of ‘em, and my chest hurt ‘cause I could see what my pain had done.