11. Sha’nelle Harper #3
Pluto was gentle with me, but she was tired. Toni loved me, but her marriage was feelin’ the weight of it. Pressure was lettin’ me stay, but he wanted peace in his house. Kay’Lo was pissed ‘cause he felt like Toni had moved behind his back and Renza had been hurt.
Renza was gone somewhere refusin’ to give me anything, and I was still sittin’ here wantin’ him bad enough to keep askin’ people to make room for my hurt.
“I don’t wanna keep fuckin’ up what y’all got goin’ on,” I said after a while. “That’s the part makin’ me feel sick. I know I’m doin’ it. I can see it. I can feel everybody shiftin’ around me, and I hate that. I just don’t know how to stop when I still ain’t talked to him.”
Pluto leaned back in her chair and looked at me with a lil’ more firmness than before. “You start by stopping the chasing for a minute.”
I shook my head before I could stop myself. “Pluto, I can’t just stop.”
“You can,” she said. “You don’t want to, and that’s different.”
Toni looked at me too, and I felt both of ‘em waitin’ for me to hear it.
Pluto continued, “You’ve called. You’ve texted. You came here. He knows you’re here, Sha’Nelle. He knows you want to talk. If you keep pushing, you’re not proving love anymore. You’re proving panic.”
That word made my stomach turn, but I ain’t argue.
“I’m scared,” I admitted. “That’s what it is. I’m scared if I stop, he gon’ think I gave up. I’m scared he gon’ finally believe I’m choosin’ my life back in Greystone. I’m scared I’m gon’ have to get back on a plane and go home to a life I don’t even know how to stand in no more.”
Toni’s face softened, but she ain’t jump in with a promise she couldn’t keep.
I wiped my cheek and looked at the water again. “I don’t know what I’mma do if I gotta go back.”
“You might need to figure that out before you see him,” Pluto said gentle.
I looked back at her and she held my eyes. “Because Renza can’t be your escape plan. If you go to him, it has to be because you’re choosing him with a clear heart, not because going back feels too hard.”
I sat with that, and it hurt ‘cause it was too real.
I had told myself I came to fight for Renza, and I did, but somewhere in there, I was also runnin’ from the life waitin’ for me in Greystone.
“I left my ring back in Greystone,” I said low.
Toni looked at my hand, but Pluto kept her eyes on my face.
“I ain’t say that for no praise,” I added. “I just… I couldn’t wear it here. It felt wrong.”
Pluto nodded. “That’s a step, but it’s not the whole thing.”
“I know,” I said.
Pluto reached for her napkin and dabbed at the corner of her mouth. “Stay at the house tonight, and rest. Put the phone down for a few hours. Let your body catch up with everything you’ve been dragging it through.”
I wanted to say I couldn’t, but the truth was, I was tired. Not just from the Ubers, the calls and the cryin’. I was tired from holdin’ myself together while everything inside me kept tryna break. I was tired of watchin’ my phone like it controlled whether I got to live or not.
“I can try,” I said.
Pluto gave me a look. “Really try.”
Toni nodded. “And I’mma go home after this and try to get my husband to stop actin’ like he crazy.”
I snorted before I could stop it. Pluto laughed soft, and for one small second, the table felt lighter. It wasn’t fixed, and none of us pretended it was, but the heaviness lifted just enough for me to remember we was still women who loved each other through the mess.
I looked down at my phone when it lit up, but it was only a random notification from one of the apps I had been usin’ to call Renza. My finger moved like it wanted to open it anyway, and Pluto saw me.
“Sha’Nelle,” she said.
I froze, then turned the phone facedown on the table.
Toni nodded like she approved. “There you go.”
I sat back and let my hands rest in my lap.
The urge to pick it back up was still there, crawlin’ under my skin, but I made myself leave it.
Renza knew I was here. He knew I wanted him.
He knew I had crossed water, pride and common sense just to get close enough for him to reject me in person if that was what he needed to do.
For the first time in four days, I let myself sit still without reachin’ for him.
It ain’t feel peaceful, feel easy and it damn sure ain’t feel like acceptance.
It felt like I was holdin’ my own wrist down to keep from touchin’ fire again.
But I sat here anyway, between my cousin and Pluto, with the ocean shinin’ outside the window and my whole life waitin’ on a man who still wasn’t ready to face me.
I ain’t know how much longer I could do this. I ain’t know what would happen if Renza kept refusin’ to talk and I ain’t know what version of me was supposed to get back on a plane and return to Greystone. But for right now, I kept my phone facedown.
Even though every part of me wanted to pick it back up, call another number and chase his silence one more time, I stayed in my chair and tried to listen to the women who was still sittin’ next to me after everything I had brought to they door.