Chapter 42
ALEX
Ignoring Kai had been harder than I expected it was going to be.
So much harder.
I felt bad. So bad. And when he apologised to me… I didn’t know what to do with that. I hated that he was apologising. Hated it because I knew he was just trying to help.
Even if he didn’t know how. Even if he’d gone about it the wrong way.
And I’d made him feel bad. I’d made him feel like I didn’t trust him. Even though - if I was being honest with myself - there was probably no one I trusted more right now. No one I’d rather spend time with.
But after he left last night, all I could think about was what could go wrong.
What would happen if he found out my secrets?
Would he go to the authorities?
Would someone come and take Connor away?
Or worse - would they take Mum away and leave me with Connor?
Both outcomes were just as terrifying. Both were enough to keep me up all night.
But another thought scared me even more.
What if he confronted Connor?
What if he lost it with him?
Kai wasn’t small. He wasn’t weak. He wasn’t scared of anything - not that I’d seen. And Connor… Connor didn’t like people like that. People who stood up to him. People who didn’t back down.
I’d seen Connor go off more times than I could count. I’d felt the aftermath of it. And I knew what he was capable of. I knew what he kept in his room. The weapons he stashed around the house. I knew what he’d done to people who weren’t even a threat.
And I didn’t know what he would do to someone who was .
Someone like Kai.
It scared me. Scared me not knowing what Kai would do if he got too close. Scared me even more knowing what Connor would do back.
That’s why I told him we shouldn’t be friends anymore. It should’ve never happened in the first place.
A shit show .
That’s what I predicted it would be.
And that’s what it was. That’s what it would be if I stayed around him. If I let him in. If I kept slipping up.
So I kept my head down. Kept my mouth shut. Pretended I didn’t care. Even though every part of me did. Even parts of me I didn’t know I had.
“Please tell me you dumped supermarket slut.” was the first thing Rach said to me as we met in our usual spot on the field at lunch. She dropped her tray onto the grass like she was ready for battle.
“Kind of,” I said, taking a bite of my Mars bar, trying to sound casual even though my stomach rolled.
“What do you mean, ‘kind of’ ?” She shook her head, narrowing her eyes at me like she was about to interrogate a suspect.
“I went to the game on Sunday - you know, the one he asked me to come to - and Kai Fields kind of… punched him.” I tried to say it casually, shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal.
“What?!” She practically launched forward, her eyes bulging. “How? Why? I need to know like yesterday.” She stabbed her fork into her salad like it had personally offended her.
“He got in a fight with Callum first, during the game-”
“Cooper?” she cut in, eyebrows raised.
I nodded. “And then afterwards, I was waiting outside the changing rooms for him when Kai came over and started talking to me.” I picked at the wrapper of my Mars bar, trying to sound nonchalant even though my pulse sped up just remembering it.
“Anyway, Alfie didn’t like that I was talking to him,” I continued, shifting my weight on the grass. “Especially as Kai got involved in the fight too, and then it escalated pretty quickly.” I gestured vaguely with my hand, as if that could soften the chaos of it.
“Alfie started shouting at me,” I said, rolling my eyes at the memory. “Kai told him to back off, and when he didn’t, he punched him.” I shrugged like it was nothing, even though Rach’s reaction was exactly what I’d expected.
Her jaw dropped. Her fork froze mid-air. And I tried not to smile at how dramatic she looked.
“What the fuck!” Rach said, stabbing her fork again, this time with more force. “So, wait, let me just get this straight. Kai Fields punched a guy for you .” She leaned forward, eyes wide, like she was piecing together a conspiracy.
“Yeah, I guess he did.” I shrugged, trying to sound like it wasn’t the craziest thing I’d ever heard, even though my cheeks warmed.
“I thought you looked a bit cosy on Saturday?” She raised her eyebrows, giving me that look - the one that said she’d already decided on the story she wanted to believe.
“What, no!?” I shook my head quickly, waving my hand like I could swat the idea out of the air. “It’s not like that.” My voice came out a little too fast, a little too defensive.
“Well, whatever it is. Thank fuck for Kai Fields.” She scoffed, shaking her head as she speared another piece of chicken with unnecessary force. “Ah, I’m sad I missed it. I would’ve paid good money to see that.” She pointed the fork at me like she was making a closing argument.
I chuckled, picking at the wrapper of my Mars bar. “I think a lot of people would have.”
“What about work? It’s going to be awkward,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “When are you next in?” She took a sip of her drink, already bracing for drama.
“I’m not.” I watched her face twist in confusion. “He fired me.” I sighed, taking a sip of my own drink, trying not to sound as defeated as I felt.
“What?! Is he even allowed to do that?” She shoved a mouthful of chicken into her mouth, this time with lettuce, glaring like she was ready to march down to the shop herself and start a riot.
I shrugged. “Probably. He handles all the rotas.” I flicked a crumb off my trousers.
“What an arsehole.” She shook her head, stabbing her salad like it had personally wronged her.
“Why are you only telling me this now anyway? I could have used this news to liven up my Sunday.” She leaned in, her ponytail swaying playfully as she narrowed her eyes at me.
“It wasn’t even twenty-four hours ago.” I chuckled, lifting my shoulders like it was nothing.
“Yeah, but you could have texted. That’s like a real textable moment.” She pointed her fork at me accusingly, her whole face scrunching in mock outrage.
“Well, I would’ve, but I kind of ended up going round Kai’s for dinner,” I said, again way too casually for the bomb I was dropping.
“What?!” She practically spat her drink out, coughing as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “Tell me everything !” She leaned in so close her hair nearly dipped into her salad. And I felt my stomach flip - because I knew exactly how insane it sounded.
“Again. It wasn’t like that.” I shook my head, still fiddling with the wrapper of my Mars bar. “He just invited me round for dinner, and we played Xbox, that’s all.”
“Is that why he keeps looking over here?” she said, jerking her chin toward the football lot, where the lads were kicking a ball around.
“What?” I felt my cheeks heat instantly. “No, he doesn’t.” I kept my eyes firmly on my lap.
“He does.” She dragged out the words, then her eyes widened like she’d just cracked a case. “Oh my god, do you like him?” She pointed her fork at me like it was a lie detector.
I shook my head quickly. “No.”
“You do, don’t you?” She leaned even closer, eyes sparkling with mischief.
“We’re just friends… actually, we’re not even that anymore,” I said, fiddling with my hands in my lap, my voice dropping.
“Why not?” She frowned, her playful expression melting into genuine confusion as she set her fork down.
“Because I told him I didn’t want to be.” I picked at a loose thread on my sleeve, eyes fixed on my lap so I didn’t have to see her reaction.
“Why on earth did you do that?” She sat back, fork frozen mid-air, her whole posture shifting from teasing to worried.
“It’s complicated,” I muttered, my chest tightening as the words left my mouth. I rubbed my palms against my jeans, trying to steady the tremor in them.
Rach stared at me for a long moment, her expression softening, the teasing gone completely. She leaned in slightly, studying my face like she was trying to read between the lines.
“What’s complicated? He punched a guy for you.” Her voice was quieter now, careful.
“He’s straight, Rach. He didn’t mean it like that.” I shrugged, forcing the words out even though they tasted wrong, my shoulders tightening as I looked away.
“How do you know?” She tilted her head, eyebrows lifting, her fork hovering over her salad.
“How do I know what?” I asked, my brows furrowing with genuine confusion as I glanced back at her.
“That he’s straight. Did he tell you?” she asked, leaning in slightly. Her question caught me off guard, and I just stared at her in disbelief, my mouth parting. As if there were any world where Kai Fields would be gay - and want me , for that matter.
“No… but I just do, okay,” I said, a little too quickly. Heat crept up my neck as I pulled my knees up slightly, picking daisies beside me to avoid her eyes. “And hanging around with him is more trouble than it’s worth.”
“If you say so.” She stabbed a piece of lettuce, but her eyes stayed on me, unconvinced, watching me like she could see straight through the flimsy excuses I was trying to hide behind.
My eyes drifted upwards and landed on the football boys.
Landed on Kai. He wasn’t gay. He couldn’t have been.
Everything about him gave off straight. Even now, watching him from across the field - the way he spoke to the guys, the way he ran, the way he carried himself.
And then there were the stories of the girls he’d been with in the past. The ones he flirted with in class.
Then his eyes caught mine and I looked away immediately, heat rushing up my neck as I pretended to focus on the grass instead.