Chapter 54 #2
Her words caught me off guard. And I felt myself leaning into her touch - not because I wanted her, but because I wanted something .
Anything that wasn’t the ache in my chest.
My vision swayed as she tilted her head closer, and before I knew it, her mouth was on mine - eager, insistent, pulling me in like she was starving for my attention. Her hands slid into my hair, tugging me closer, and I let her. I let her kiss me like she meant it.
I kissed her back because it was easier than thinking. Easier than feeling. Easier than remembering the way Alex looked at me. But even as her lip gloss smeared against my mouth, even as she pressed herself closer, even as the boys cheered from somewhere behind us-
All I could think about was him.
Why, when her lips were on mine, was I wishing they were Alex’s?
Why did it feel wrong?
Why did it feel empty?
Why did it feel like I was trying to fill a hole that only one person could reach?
I pushed her off me, the room spinning for a second as I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. My stomach lurched, head throbbing to the beat of whatever was playing.
“What the fuck , Kai?” Jessica squealed, looking personally offended, like I’d ruined her big moment.
“I need some air,” I muttered, already stumbling to my feet.
I didn’t think. Didn’t apologise. Didn’t look back.
I just walked straight out the front door, the cold night air slapping me in the face.
I didn’t even know how long I had been in there, only that it was dark now, the streetlights blurring into long streaks of gold. Headlights passed like shooting stars, too bright, too fast. The pavement tilted under my feet every few steps, and I had to grab a lamppost just to steady myself.
I couldn’t walk straight. Couldn’t think straight. Hell, I don’t think I could’ve strung a sentence together if I tried.
But I knew where I was going.
My feet already knew the way. My heart definitely did.
I didn’t care that it was a twenty-minute walk. I didn’t care that I’d left my jacket in the pub. I didn’t care that I hadn’t said goodbye to the boys, or that Jessica was probably ranting about me already.
I just cared about him.
Alex.
Every step I took felt like I was being pulled by something I couldn’t fight. Something I didn’t want to fight. I needed to see him. Needed to know he was okay. Needed… something I couldn’t even name.
The world swayed around me, but I kept walking.
Because no matter how drunk I was, no matter how much I tried to drown him out -
He was the only thing I could think about.
When I reached Alex’s door, I didn’t know what to do.
If any part of me thought this was a bad idea, that part would’ve been sober - and I was nowhere near sober right now. My head felt like it was full of warm water, sloshing every time I blinked. The pavement swayed under my feet, and I had to rest my hand on the door just to stay upright.
The house was dark. Quiet. Still.
I stood there on the doorstep, breathing hard, my heart thudding against my ribs like it was trying to break out. My fingers hovered over the door, shaking, unsure whether to knock or just… collapse.
I didn’t have a plan. Didn’t have words. Didn’t even know what I was hoping for.
I just knew I needed him.
I leaned my forehead against the door, the wood cool against my skin, and let out a shaky breath. My eyes stung. My throat tightened. The alcohol made everything louder - the ache, the fear, the stupid hope that he might open the door and look at me like he used to.
“Alex…” I whispered, even though I knew he couldn’t hear me through the door.
My hand finally lifted, knuckles brushing the wood, and I knocked.
Soft at first. Then again, harder, because I wasn’t sure the first one even happened.
The world tilted, and I pressed my palm flat against the door to steady myself.
“Please be home,” I muttered, my voice barely holding together.
Because if he didn’t answer - If he didn’t open the door - I didn’t know what I’d do.
And for the first time all night, the alcohol didn’t drown anything out.
It just made the truth louder.
I needed him. More than I’d ever admit sober.
Then the door opened just a crack, and the side of Alex’s face appeared in the gap. His eyebrows furrowed the second he saw me, eyes widened.
“Kai?” he whispered, like he wasn’t sure I was real.
“Alex,” I slurred, relief flooding me so fast my knees nearly buckled. “Is it really you?”
His eyes narrowed, glinting with concern. “Are you drunk?”
“I need to speak to you, Alex,” I said, trying - and failing - to sound steady. I hoped he’d hear the frustration in my voice, the ache underneath it.
“No, Kai. Just go home, please.” He still didn’t open the door fully. Still kept half his face hidden, like he wasn’t sure he wanted me to see him.
“I can’t,” I said, shaking my head too hard, the world dizzying momentarily. “Not without speaking to you.”
“Please, Kai,” he said quietly, and something in his voice cracked, but he still didn’t open the door.
“I won’t go,” I insisted, “I’ll stay here all night.” Enunciating the all like it proved something. I stumbled back, holding my arms out like I was demonstrating balance, then spun once - badly. “I will.”
He stared at me for a long moment, his expression flickering between annoyance, worry, and something softer he tried to hide. He looked like he was weighing every possible outcome. Then he sighed - a long, defeated sound - and mumbled, “Wait here.” He didn’t look at me as he said it.
He just stepped back inside, closing the door behind him and leaving me alone with my thoughts.