Chapter 62
KAI
Monday couldn’t have come quick enough.
I’d been messaging Alex on and off all weekend, and even though he kept saying he was fine - I’m good, don’t worry, just tired - Ryan’s words wouldn’t leave me alone.
They replayed in my head like a never-ending nightmare, looping every time my phone buzzed with one of Alex’s short, careful replies.
You’d think my mind would have been eased after sitting next to him in History, and though it did unclench when I saw him with my own eyes, we couldn’t really talk. I couldn’t ask him if he was okay. Couldn’t watch the way his body would react. Couldn’t see the truth behind the words he typed.
Miss King was in one of her moods, pacing the front of the room like a prison guard, slapping worksheets onto desks and shushing anyone who so much as breathed too loudly.
Alex and I sat shoulder to shoulder, our books open, our pens out, pretending to copy notes neither of us were actually reading.
Every now and then, our elbows brushed - a soft, accidental-on-purpose touch that neither of us commented on.
Every now and then, he shifted his knee closer to mine under the desk, closing the space between us by millimetres, like he couldn’t help it.
Every now and then, I caught him glancing sideways at me with a smile - quick, shy, the kind that flickered and vanished the second he realised I’d seen it.
And every time he did, something in me loosened… but only for a moment.
Because I still couldn’t ask him. Not here.
So I waited for him at Graffiti Wall. The wind blowing through my hair as my legs dangled over the side, trainers tapping lightly against the brick. The cold bit at my fingers, but I didn’t move. I just sat there, staring out at the trees, trying to breathe past the tightness in my chest.
I checked my phone. Nothing.
I wasn’t even sure what I’d say when he got here. I just knew I needed to see him somewhere that wasn’t a classroom, somewhere he didn’t have to pretend.
Somewhere he could breathe.
I leaned back on my hands, staring up at the sky, letting the wind sting my eyes. It was stupid how much I wanted him to show up. Stupid how much I needed to see for myself that he was okay.
Footsteps crunched on the gravel behind me.
I didn’t turn straight away, but my heart kicked hard against my ribs.
When he reached the top of the wall, he gave me that easy, quiet smile he always did.
“Hi,” he said, voice light, almost breezy.
He looked… fine. Uniform smart, hair ruffled by the wind, cheeks a little pink from the cold. The bruise on his cheek had finally lifted. He had no shadows under his eyes. No stiffness in his shoulders. No sign of anything Ryan had said echoing in his head.
If anything, he looked better than I did.
He sat down beside me, legs dangling over the edge, hands tucked into his sleeves and bumped my shoulder lightly with his, like this was just another Monday.
“You alright?” he asked, glancing at me with a small grin.
That should’ve eased me. It didn’t.
I just kept imagining what Ryan had said.
It wouldn’t leave me alone.
Something in me just… moved. Before I could think about it, before I could talk myself out of it, I wrapped an arm around him and pulled him into a hug.
Not a desperate one. Not a dramatic one. Just a firm, steady, I-needed-to-see-you kind of hug.
Alex froze for half a second - surprised, not uncomfortable - then let out a soft laugh against my shoulder.
“What’s that for?” He smiled into me.
I couldn’t tell him why. Couldn’t tell him that every time I blinked, I saw him as a little kid shivering in a garden.
Couldn’t tell him that Ryan’s words had carved themselves deep into my skull.
Couldn’t tell him that the thought of him being hurt made something in me twist so hard it almost hurt to breathe.
So I just said the only thing that felt safe.
The only thing that wouldn’t scare him off.
The only thing that was true without being too true.
“I missed you.”
The words slipped out before I could second-guess them, soft and low, carried off a little by the wind.
Alex blinked, surprised - not in a bad way, just like he hadn’t expected me to say it out loud. His lips parted slightly, and for a moment he didn’t move, didn’t breathe, didn’t look away.
Then his shoulders loosened, just a fraction. A tiny exhale left him, warm against the cold air.
“I… missed you too,” he said, almost under his breath, and then he pulled away with a small smile, like he hadn’t just knocked the air out of my lungs. “So how was the game yesterday?”
I shrugged, trying to play it cool even though my arm still felt warm where he’d been leaning. “It was good.”
“Did you win?” He smiled widely.
“Of course we won,” I said with a chuckle, nudging his knee lightly with mine.
He laughed - a soft, genuine sound - and for a moment it almost felt normal. Like we were just two mates talking about football, not two people dancing around everything we weren’t saying.
“He swung his legs a little, heels tapping the wall. “Who scored?” he asked, glancing up at me through his fringe.
“Who do you think?” I teased, nudging his knee with mine.
“Uhm, Callum?” He snickered to himself, shoulders shaking, and I rolled my eyes.
“Ha. Ha.” I mused, leaning back against the wall. “You’re funny today.”
He smiled cheekily at me then, eyes bright, mouth tugging into a proud little grin that hit me harder than it should’ve.
“I knew it would be you,” he said, bumping his shoulder against mine before turning to his bag. He unzipped it and pulled out his lunch - a packet of crisps and a cereal bar. Nothing else.
Something in my stomach rolled.
“Ah,” I said, shifting my bag onto my lap. “I have something for you.”
He looked up, brows raised, and I pulled out the sandwich I’d wrapped that morning.
“You made me a sandwich?” He smiled - small, surprised, warm.
I nodded, handing it over. “Can I tell you a secret?”
He paused, fingers brushing the clingfilm. “What is it?”
“I made you one every day since that study session… just in case.”
His smile faltered - not in a bad way, just like the words hit somewhere he wasn’t expecting. His eyes flicked up to mine, softening in a way that made my stomach twist.
“You… did?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged, trying to play it off even though my ears were burning. “Yeah. I didn’t want you going all day on crisps and a cereal bar.” I gestured to his snacks, because that’s what they were.
He looked down at the sandwich again, turning it over in his hands like it was something fragile.
“You didn’t have to do that,” he breathed, voice barely above the wind.
“I know.” I smiled. “I wanted to.”
He swallowed, the movement small but noticeable, and for a moment he didn’t say anything at all. Just sat there, holding the sandwich like it meant more than it should.
Then he nudged my knee with his, gentle. “Thank you,” he murmured.
His soft voice curdled my stomach in the best way, butterflies surging through me in swarms. I just wanted to be close to him. It didn’t matter where we were, didn’t matter how different we were supposed to be. It just mattered that I was in his orbit.
His brown curls danced in the breeze as he took a bite of the sandwich, and something warm unfurled in my chest - slow, steady, impossible to ignore.
I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I was most probably gay.
Or bisexual. Or something I didn’t have a name for yet.
I’d always noticed girls, always known when someone was attractive, always joined in when Callum joked around about boobs or bums. But I guess I never realised how surface-level all of that was.
Because when I was with Alex… none of those old markers mattered.
Not labels.
Not expectations.
Not whatever I thought I was supposed to feel.
All I noticed was him . How being near him made everything inside me settle and spark at the same time. How I wanted to be around him, wanted to know he was okay, wanted to keep him close in a way I’d never felt with anyone.
I wanted him - deeply, strongly - more than I’d ever wanted anything.
And admitting that to myself was terrifying.
And freeing.
And real.
Suddenly, a spider crawling on Alex’s shoulder completely threw me out of my thoughts, and a yelp escaped my mouth.
“Fuck, Alex, there’s a HUGE spider on you.” I jerked back, trying to hide the tremble in my voice.
He just looked at the spider, then at me, like he genuinely couldn’t tell if I was joking. “It’s so tiny, are you serious?” he laughed. “It wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“Actually, it would,” I shot back. “They eat flies for dinner.” I tried to steady myself, but the thing was staring at me with all its… everything.
“It likes me,” Alex said, all soft and pleased with himself, cupping it in his hand.
“No-no - Alex, what are you doing?” I yelped, shuffling away. “Put it down.”
“It’s friendly,” he said, smiling as it crawled over his hand like he was some kind of spider whisperer.
“Fuck, Alex, please put that thing down,” I pleaded.
“Fine.” He set it on the far side of the wall, then turned back to me with a smirk. “ The Kai Fields is afraid of spiders.”
“Oh, you think that’s funny, do you?” I said, finally managing to laugh.
“Very,” he grinned, looking very pleased with himself.
“I hate them,” I muttered. “They’re furry and black and nobody needs that many eyes or legs.”
“Okay…” he said slowly, eyes widening, “don’t panic. But there’s one on your cheek.”
I didn’t think - I just launched myself off the wall, flailing my hands around my face, slapping my cheek like a man possessed.
“Get it off me!” I yelled.
Alex burst out laughing, and soon I realised the joke.
“It wasn’t there, was it?” I asked dryly.
“Sorry,” he chuckled, cheeks pink. “I didn’t think you’d actually jump.”
His laughter was contagious - warm, bright - and soon I was laughing too.
“You’re gonna pay for that,” I said, smirking as I walked back toward him.
“You should’ve seen your face,” he wheezed, still laughing.
I stopped right in front of him, standing between his legs where he sat on the wall. His laughter faded instantly, eyes widening, flicking up to mine, with something soft and startled in them.
The wind tugged at his curls. His breath hitched just slightly.
“I would be annoyed if you weren’t the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” I said, the truth slipping out before I could stop it.
Suddenly Alex had no words, he just inched his head closer to mine, our foreheads touching, and our lips connecting so passionately, tongues moving in perfect rhythm. My hands traced on his thighs as the warmth of the kiss swept me away. I found myself squeezing tighter, grounding myself in him.
Wanting him. All of him.
He kissed me back harder, hands threading through my hair, matching my urgency with his own.
It was overwhelming in the best way - warm, real, impossible to think through, and I could feel myself hardening rapidly through my trousers.
I had to pull away. Not because I didn’t want him, but because I didn’t want to rush him.
He was my Alex. And I didn’t want to scare him.
“Wow,” Alex breathed, eyes wide, cheeks flushed.
“I know,” I said, still staring at the shine on his lips, trying to steady my heartbeat.
“No one has ever kissed me like that before,” he murmured, biting back a smile.
“Well,” I said, letting a smirk tug at my mouth, “you better get used to it.”
I leaned in and gave him a soft, gentle peck. “Because there’s more where that came from.”
He let out a tiny laugh, the kind that warmed something deep inside me, and his forehead rested lightly against mine.
For a moment, everything else faded out.