6. Chapter Six #2
The second I think that, I lose my balance and fall to the ground, hard. The pain in my hip makes me wince. I cry out when I feel my right big toe crack.
I quickly take off my shoes and stare down at my bloody foot. My toenail only broke but the toe itself is fine. I let out a sigh. Thank goodness.
This is how Nikolai finds me: seated on the floor, blood on my foot, and a wild look in my eyes.
“Lana?” He hurries to my side but I get to my feet before he can show any concern.
“Why did you talk to Camille? I didn’t ask you to do that for me.”
“How else were you going to get another shot to audition?”
I suck in a breath. “She clapped for me, you know. She stood up and clapped. That’s something Camille has only ever done for Claudia. Did you tell Camille to do that as well?”
“I only convinced her to hold another audition. Nothing more. I wasn’t going to make her give you the lead role. I promise. But if you earn it, that’s on you.”
“But how can I even believe that? You had Claudia killed so she wouldn’t be in my way anymore.”
“Need I remind you that Claudia also sent someone to kill you? If that’s the reason the girl died, then so be it.”
I back away from Nikolai. The darkness in his eyes is too much right now.
“You’re bleeding,” he says.
“A broken toenail. Nothing more. I’m used to it by now. If anyone knows pain, it’s a ballerina.” I pause for a moment. “Why do you care so much if I succeed?”
“You’re my wife. I wanted you. I got you. Why wouldn’t I care what happens to you?”
My stomach flutters from his words. Nikolai has a compelling nature to him that makes me want to sink into his arms. I want to continue what we started on our wedding night.
But I hold back. I don’t trust him.
“If I win this role,” I say, “then I won’t even know if I truly won it or not. You took that from me.”
“I was giving you another chance. I will not regret that.”
I walk past him, limping. I hurt my hip more than I realized. Nikolai doesn’t ask me if I’m all right again. I lost the right to his concern.
Nikolai and I sleep in his bed but neither one of us touch. It’s a much colder affair than our wedding night. I can feel him sleeping beside me but I don’t look at him. I’m too angry.
For once, I miss my father. To his credit, he never forced Camille to give me a role after I told him I wanted to earn it all myself. He actually listened to me.
While Nikolai is a force I don’t know how to handle.
He’s gone when I wake up in the morning. Back to work again. Back to doing whatever it is he does that he refuses to tell me about.
My new driver, Boris, takes me to dance practice. Camille is going to announce the new roles for Swan Lake today and my stomach is in knots.
The moment I step into the room, I know something is off. My eyes find the announcement sheet already posted to the wall. And all the other ballerinas are glaring at me.
I walk to the sheet to see my name at the very top. Lana: Odette and Odile. I got the main role. I’m going to star in Swan Lake.
This should be every girl’s little dream but right now, it’s my nightmare.
I turn around and before I can even say anything, Ana smacks me across the face. Camille is nowhere to be found. I stumble back from Ana’s hit, clutching my cheek.
“Your husband paid for you to have this role, didn’t he?” she seethes. “You took it from me.”
“You were only the understudy,” I snap.
“And now Maria is the understudy. I am regulated to the fucking back. You did this to me. Your husband did this to me.”
I look around at the other girls. Ekaterina shakes her head sadly. Maria glares at me. No one offers me a sympathetic smile. The sense of utter aloneness hits me in the gut and I almost cry but I push it back. Now is not the time to cry. Be like stone, I remind myself.
Camille enters the room and I don’t hesitate to walk right over to her. “Did my husband make you give me this role?” I ask in a low voice.
She glances at the other girls before motioning for me to follow her out of the room. The other ballerinas all press themselves against the glass windows to look at us once we’re in the hallway. “No. He didn’t.”
“Is that what he told you to tell me?”
“Lana…”
“Just tell me.”
She sighs. “He did talk to me about giving you another chance to audition but he did say that he didn’t want me to just give you the role.
That it would be all right if I gave it to someone else.
I was scared. But he was convincing. And then I saw you dance yesterday and I was blown away.
I’ve never seen you dance with so much passion before.
I decided to give you the role. You earned it. ”
“But only after my husband spoke to you. Only after he scared you. You might have thought I was good enough, but your decision was still based on what he did, wasn’t it? You were scared he would hurt you if you didn’t give me the main role.”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say.” She can’t even look me in the eye. My dance instructor who was always firm and honest with me. And right now, she’s scared… of me. “I gave you the main role. Isn’t this what you always wanted?”
Not like this. Never like this.
“I could still give it to Maria if you’re not happy. But only if you tell your husband that you didn’t want it.” So she is scared. Terrified. My heart is going to pop at any second.
I could tell Camille to give the role to Maria, who had originally earned it. I should tell Camille to give the role to Maria.
But I can’t get the words out.
I want this role and this might be my only chance. I’m not giving it up even if I hate myself for it. Even if I hate my husband more for it.
“I want it,” I finally say.
Camille slowly nods. “All right then. You have the role. But be prepared. I can tell the other girls are upset. I don’t want you getting hurt, Lana. Just tell me… are you safe with your husband?”
As safe as one can be being married to a Bratva man.
“Yes,” I answer, though I’m not sure if it’s a lie or not.
She nods at the other girls watching us. “We need to start rehearsing. You have things to catch up on.”
I follow Camille back into the room with a numbness coursing through my body that I have never felt before. Ana’s jabs don’t even bother me right now.
The only thing I feel is cold. Like death.
After rehearsal, I ask Boris to drive me to a nearby café. I just need a moment to breathe outside of Nikolai’s house. Boris waits outside the café while I get my coffee.
The moment I sit down, someone speaks to me. “Lana? Is that you?”
Looking up, I see Svetlana standing next to my table, smiling down at me. “Oh. Hello.” My tone is not inviting or nice.
“Mind if I sit with you?”
Yes, I do mind. But I’m too tired to object. Svetlana slides into the seat across from me even though I technically didn’t give her permission.
“How has married life been treating you?”
“You mean ever since you whispered in my ear that Nikolai would leave me bloody? On my wedding day of all days.”
She shrugs. “Well, someone had to warn you.” Her red lipstick makes her look more like a cartoon villain. “I know how rough Nikolai can be. I just wanted you to be all right.”
I scoff. “You weren’t trying to protect me. Nikolai told me that you and he once had a relationship. It smells like jealousy from here.”
In one fast motion, she grabs my hands and digs her nails into my skin. I wince and try to pull back but her grip is surprisingly strong. “He was mine first. You never had the right to take him from me.”
“He made it clear it was over between you two.”
“Just because he decided that, doesn’t make it true. I hope he leaves you bloody. I hope he already has when he took your virginity. I hope you cried. I hope you screamed. I hope you hated every second of it.”
“And there’s the backstabbing bitch I clocked you to be. I knew the second you spoke to me, what kind of person you are.”
“Takes one to know one.”
I huff. “I may be a bitch but I got the man. Nikolai is my husband. Not yours.”
“Do you even know him? Do you even love him enough to be fighting for him like this?”
No. I don’t have any love for Nikolai. How can I when he’s still a stranger to me in so many ways? But I hate that Svetlana is trying to place her claim on him when he’s mine now.
“Let me go,” I grit out.
She only digs her claws in deeper. “You are going to regret crossing me.”
“Join the line. There’s a lot of people who hate me.”
“It would be such a shame if you had an accident and died. Nikolai would mourn your life and welcome me back into his arms.”
My heart truly feels like it’s going to squeeze so hard, it will explode right out of my chest. “Leave me alone. What do you think will happen when I tell Nikolai that you tried to hurt me? The last girl who tried to hurt me wound up dead.”
Her eyes narrow. “Just think about what I said.”
“What do you expect me to do? Divorce him? You and I both know that’s not possible.”
“I don’t need you to divorce him. I just need you to look the other way when I come by.”
“So you can have an affair with him?” I scoff. “Are you actually asking me this? You are not touching my husband. And you are not going to kill me to get me out of the way. Now let me go.” I rip my hands away from her so fast, her nails draw blood, taking some of my skin with them.
Five sharp lines where my skin used to be on my hands. Blood seeps onto the table.
I leave before Svetlana can say anything else. Boris rushes to my side when I walk outside. “Lana?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re bleeding. What happened? You should go to the hospital.”
“No. I’m fine,” I groan out. “Everything is fine. Just bring me home. Please.”
“All right.”
Boris does his job and brings me home to an empty house. Where is Nikolai? Off doing something again. I can’t stand this. I’m going to lose my mind.
I storm back outside and grab the cigarette from Boris’s hand before he can light it. “Take me to where Nikolai is.”
His eyes widen. “My job is to drive you around. That’s it.”