39. Ethan
39
ETHAN
I’m pregnant.
I sit there, staring out at the ocean, trying to let it sink in. Madison's sitting beside me with her head down, waiting for my reaction. She can’t look at me, and that alone tells me how scared she must be.
Pregnant.
It doesn’t feel real yet, but as I put together the things I’ve noticed in the last twenty-four hours, it makes complete sense.
She’s tired. She’s dizzy. She’s not eating much. Sure, she’s not wrapped around the toilet barfing, but not every woman reacts to pregnancy like that.
Pregnant. It echoes again. She’s telling me this because it’s my kid. It has to be. Madison hasn’t been with anyone else.
I’m too old for this. I’m too old to deal with becoming a father. It’s not ideal at all.
I glance over at her, her shoulders hunched forward, her fingers twisting in her lap like she’s bracing for the worst. She must think I’m about to lose it, or worse, walk away. But I don’t feel any of that. I don’t feel angry or betrayed or panicked. Instead, there’s this strange sense of clarity.
It’s like everything is sliding into place and making sense now.
“I’m not sure how it happened, and…I knew I had to tell you. But it’s hard. I…”
“Hey, just…give me a second.” I close my eyes and still try to absorb it. It’s taking me a moment, though. I’m really struggling with what this means for me. Selfishly, I’m thinking of myself first.
I see her nod out of the corner of my eye, silently assenting to give me more time. Pregnant. With my baby. My mind flashes to all the times we were together, the way we’d just let things happen, never really thinking about the consequences. But here we are.
I run a hand through my hair and finally turn to face her. I’ve come to a decision now that the shock of her revelation is starting to wear off. “Madison, look at me.”
She hesitates but eventually lifts her head, her eyes wide and filled with fear. The sight of her like that, so vulnerable, breaks something inside me. She’s been holding this weight on her own, too scared to tell me, and I can’t let her carry it by herself anymore.
“I’m not mad. I’m not upset. I’m… I’m just processing it. I mean…this kind of thing does happen, especially when someone is so…”
“So what?” she asks breathlessly.
“Young.”
Women my age don’t have to worry about getting pregnant anymore, but Madison is in her prime. Her body is practically begging to have babies. I should have thought about that .
“It just happens, and it’s not like you did it on purpose,” I add.
“You’re not…mad?”
“No, why would I be?”
I can see the disbelief in her eyes, and I realize she must’ve been imagining every worst-case scenario. I can’t blame her for that. But the more I think about it, the more I realize…I want this. Maybe not the way it happened, but I want her, and if that means facing the future with a baby, then I’m all in.
“We’ll face it together. I want to be there for you as you’re dealing with this. I know it’s not something you probably saw at this point in your life, but we’ll figure it out. Have you been to the doctor yet?”
“No, I…” She can’t get the words out. Her lip quivers, and I watch as her eyes fill with tears. She tries to blink them back, but they spill over anyway. “Ethan, I?—”
I pull her into my arms. She doesn’t resist, just lets herself collapse against me and buries her face in my chest. Her body shakes with quiet sobs, and I hold her tighter, running a hand through her hair.
I don’t know how long we sit like that, but I’m not in any rush. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay here as long as she needs. The cold, winter wind whips at our faces, but I barely feel it as I’m trying to be there for her.
Eventually, her crying slows, and she pulls back slightly, wiping her face with the back of her hand. She still looks fragile, like she’s waiting for the ground to drop out from under her, but there’s something else in her expression now. A flicker of hope.
“I thought… I thought you’d hate me.”
“Hate you? Madison, how could I ever hate you?”
She bites her lip, not answering, but I already know what she’s thinking. This whole situation is complicated, and maybe it’s not how either of us planned for things to happen. But I don’t regret it. I don’t regret her. And it’s not like she did it on purpose. I should have been more careful from the beginning.
And suddenly, it hits me. This gentleness I feel for her, it’s not just the kind of sympathy you feel for a stranger. It’s something else.
“I love you.”
The words leave my mouth before I even realize I’m saying them, but they feel right. I’ve been holding them back for so long, unsure of how to say them, afraid of scaring her away. But now, in this moment, I know it’s what she needs to hear. I have to just say it and put it out there.
Her eyes widen, and for a moment, she’s completely still, like she doesn’t know how to react. But then, her expression softens.
“You… you love me?”
I nod, reaching up to cup her face. “Yeah, I do. I’ve been trying to figure it out, but it’s always been there. I love you, Madison. And I want a future with you. I want to be part of this. We can figure things out. People may not understand us, but we don’t need them to understand.”
Her breath hitches, and for a moment, I think she’s going to cry again. But instead, she smiles. It’s tentative, almost like she doesn’t want to believe that this is really happening. It’s cute, and it makes her seem fragile.
“I love you too. I’ve been so scared…but I love you. And…I want this baby too.”
Hearing her say that—it feels like everything in the world clicks into place. And I can’t just miss this opportunity. I lean forward and kiss her lips. They taste salty with her tears, but I just pull her closer to me and keep kissing her. It’s the only way I can express what I’m truly feeling. Because my words aren’t enough.
When we finally pull apart, she’s still smiling, but I can see the worry creeping back into her eyes.
“What is it?” I ask, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
“I don’t know how to tell them. Aurora, Zoe… everyone. It’s already so complicated with your daughter. How do I tell them I’m pregnant? I mean… this baby is Aurora’s half-sibling.”
I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. I know she’s right. This isn’t going to be easy. Aurora’s already made it clear that she doesn’t want us together, and now with a baby on the way…it’s not like we can just pretend. Madison’s stomach will start showing at some point, and it’s better if we tell Aurora than let her figure it out.
But…it doesn’t have to be today.
“We don’t have to tell anyone yet. If you’re not ready, we can keep it between us. Just for now. Don’t people usually wait until they’ve been pregnant for a while? It’s completely normal to keep it a secret at this stage.”
Her shoulders relax, and she nods. “Thank you. I just… I need a little more time to figure this out. Telling you was hard enough. I don’t know if it will be easier or harder to tell her, but I’m thinking harder.”
“Take all the time you need. We’ll do this at your pace. No pressure.”
She gives me a grateful look, leaning against me again. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
I chuckle, kissing the top of her head. “It’s the other way around. So…do you need to make a doctor’s appointment? I’m not sure how much I trust those little at-home pregnancy tests. ”
“I made an appointment, but I have to wait two more weeks for it.”
“Tell me when it is, and I’ll be there.”
We continue to sit on the beach for a while until the wind gets too biting. We both stand up, and I walk Madison back to my car, my arm around her shoulders. She glances around the parking lot, and I realize what she’s doing. She’s looking for her friends or anyone who might know either of us.
The last thing she wants is for someone to start spreading rumors to Aurora. I don’t want that either. I don’t want to have to hide how I feel about Madison. We may have figured out what we want for our future, but our battle is not over.
Not by a long shot.