Chapter 34
Bethany couldn’t help but feel a little anxious as Helena led her upstairs into the box room at the end of the landing.
‘What’s this about?’ she asked.
Helena didn’t look at her. ‘You’ll see,’ was her only reply.
She led Bethany inside the room and headed over to one of the many bags and boxes which were piled up inside. Clearly, the box room was only used for storage, and looking round Bethany realised most of the stuff in here had once belonged to Ted.
Helena opened one of the boxes and rummaged around inside.
‘You might want to sit down,’ she said, indicating an old ottoman chest at the end of the room.
Frowning, Bethany settled herself on it, her eyes never leaving her friend. Just what was going on?
Eventually, Helena straightened and walked slowly towards her, carrying a large canvas bag.
‘What’s in there?’ Something was warning Bethany that whatever Helena was about to show her it was important.
‘What you have to understand,’ Helena said, ‘is that he did it for your own good, as did I. Promise me you won’t overreact.’
‘Overreact to what?’
‘Promise me.’
Bethany shook her head. ‘How can I promise if I don’t know what you’re talking about?’
Helena hesitated then shrugged. ‘Very well.’
She placed the bag in Bethany’s lap. Bethany frowned, not understanding what any of this was about, but opened the bag and peered inside.
‘What are these?’ she asked, but even as the words left her mouth she knew. She gasped and reached into the bag, dragging out a handful of envelopes, all sealed.
‘These letters! They’re from Joseph!’
She’d recognise his handwriting anywhere, even all these years later. Frantically she rummaged in the bag, realising there were dozens and dozens of them.
‘He wrote to me? When? When did these start arriving?’
Helena sank onto the ottoman beside her. ‘Honestly? Not long after you and Ted got married. I guess he saw your marriage announcement in the newspapers and tracked Ted down.’ She folded her arms. ‘Ted told me he wrote once a week, every week for five years.’
‘Five—five years?’
Helena nodded. ‘There are birthday cards and Christmas cards in there, too, I think.’ She looked embarrassed suddenly. ‘There were more, but I…’
Bethany stared at her. ‘You what? What did you do?’
‘You must understand, you were my friend, and you were upset! Joseph had broken your heart, that’s what you said. You told me you wanted nothing to do with him. So when he turned up at my flat looking for you I told him just that and sent him away.’ She turned her face away as if she was suddenly too ashamed to look Bethany in the eye. ‘He came back but you were at college, and I told him you’d left and that I didn’t know where you were. I don’t think he believed me. I think he thought you were hiding in the flat. That’s when he started writing. Every week for the entire two years you lived with me.’
‘What? But how didn’t I know about that?’
‘He was regular as clockwork.’ Helena shrugged. ‘I quickly learned when to make sure I reached the door first when the postman came. Besides, mostly you were at college. It was only holidays I had to be careful, but with my shifts I found it pretty easy to get there before you did. So I—I took them to work and shredded them in the office.’
She turned to look at Bethany and her expression changed. ‘Don’t look at me like that! I acted in your best interests, as did Ted.’
‘So Joseph was writing to me from the first?’ Bethany could barely get the words out, she was so choked. ‘All this time I thought he didn’t care. That he wasn’t sorry. And you kept these from me. Kept him away from me. How could you do that?’
‘You said he was dead to you,’ Helena reminded her. ‘And when I told Ted about them, he said I did the right thing.’
‘You told Ted? When?’
‘Just before your wedding,’ she admitted. ‘I wasn’t sure what to do but he said there was no point in upsetting you. That you had him now. Us. We’d look after you. Then, not long after your wedding, the letters stopped coming to my flat and started going to your house. Ted took care of them, and when Joseph turned up at the door?—’
‘Wait, what?’ Bethany felt sick. ‘Joseph went to the house?’
‘Yes, but only once or twice. Ted made it very clear you weren’t interested and after that he didn’t visit again, but the letters kept coming. Then, after five years, they just stopped. We guessed he’d finally given up.’
Bethany gazed down at the letters in her hand and then at all the dozens of others nestled in the bag. All that time Joseph had tried to contact her. He’d tried to talk to her. He’d even visited her at the flat in York and the house in Somerset! And she’d thought he wasn’t bothered that she left. That he hadn’t cared. But he must have cared, mustn’t he?’
Feverishly she tore open one of the envelopes, a gasp escaping her lips as she saw his beautifully written letter.
Dear Beth,
That man you’ve married says you want nothing to do with me and it breaks my heart. How long will you keep punishing me? How many times can I say I’m sorry? I’ve tried and tried to explain it all to you and I know I hurt you, believe me. I hate myself for it. But I can’t lose you, Beth. You’re my sister and I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.
Your husband says you’ll only put this letter in the fire like you have all the others, but I’ll keep trying until you agree to see me. Please let me explain in person. Maybe if we can meet face to face you’ll understand.
Your loving brother,
Joseph xx
She turned anguished eyes on Helena. ‘Ted told him I put his letters on the fire!’
‘Bethany,’ Helena said gently, ‘Ted was just trying to do the right thing by you, that’s all.’
‘By keeping my own brother from me? By letting me believe, all these years, that he didn’t care about me?’
‘Joseph had hurt you and Ted couldn’t bear that. Neither could I. We wanted to protect you from being hurt again.’
Bethany could hardly contain the torrent of emotion that was building up inside her.
‘And that’s why you had an affair, is it? To protect me from being hurt again?’
‘Bethany!’ Helena sounded shocked that she could bring such a thing into the conversation. ‘I thought we’d been through all that. I thought you understood.’
‘I thought I understood, too,’ Bethany managed through her tears, ‘but maybe I’m only now beginning to understand.’
Helena got to her feet. ‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,’ she said calmly. ‘I know this has come as a shock to you, so I’ll leave you to it. When you’ve had the chance to take everything in I’m sure you’ll realise we were acting in your best interests. I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready to talk rationally.’
She walked with dignity out of the room, leaving Bethany staring down in despair at the bag on her lap. Swallowing, she gathered up all the letters and carried them into her own room, where she tipped the bag up on her bed and spread out every single envelope.
She sorted them into chronological order which took ages. It took even longer for her to read them all. She ignored Helena calling up to her to ask if she wanted any lunch. She didn’t respond when her so-called friend rang her on her phone, then texted her to see if she wanted a cup of tea bringing up.
She read through all the letters and cards feverishly, tears streaming down her cheeks as she absorbed Joseph’s heartfelt apologies and his repeated pleas for forgiveness.
I don’t know why I did it. I can’t explain. It wasn’t an affair. It was just that once, I swear to you. He was so kind to me, so gentle, and he was the first man who’d ever behaved that way towards me. I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t help myself. Maybe I just wanted to feel the way you did. I wanted to feel love. But it wasn’t love, Beth. I realised that straight away and I was so ashamed.
I wanted to tell you so many times how sorry I was. I’d have done anything to take it back. But it was too late. And the shame and the guilt just got worse and worse, until I couldn’t even look at you any more. I couldn’t make myself apologise because I knew you wouldn’t forgive me, and I couldn’t bear to see the hatred in your face.
Glenn meant nothing. You mean everything. You always did. I just want you to come home, or if you can’t stand to come back, at least meet me somewhere. Let’s talk. Let me try to make it up to you somehow. You’re my little sister and I’ve always looked out for you. I hate that I’m the one who’s hurt you by taking away the man you loved.
Please, Beth, just write back to me, or pick up the phone. We can sort this out, can’t we? Please tell me it’s not too late.
But it was too late. Far too late. Because of Ted and Helena she’d never get the chance to sort things out with her brother.
Dear Beth,
I’m sorry to have to tell you this in a letter but I think you have the right to know. Our father passed away in the early hours of this morning. As I told you, he’d had several minor strokes over the last couple of years. Well, this time it seems he had a massive stroke and died in his sleep.
I’m not sure how I feel about it all. I suppose I should be relieved and maybe, soon, I will be. Right now, I just feel numb. There’s so much to think about. So much to organise.
I’m getting a visit from the vicar soon. No doubt he’ll be expecting that Father will be buried in the family plot next to Mother. Well, he’ll soon find out that’s not going to happen. I can’t do it, Beth. She’s not getting stuck with him again. I’m not sure what to do with him, to be honest. If you have any thoughts, you could always call me.
I don’t know if this will change anything between us. Now he’s gone maybe you’d think about coming back here—just to talk? We could start again. What do you think?
There’s no pressure but if you want to pick up the phone, or if you feel you’d like to be at the funeral, please know you are always welcome. It’s still the same number we always had. I’m not one for mobile phones.
Take care of yourself and know that I’m forever
Your loving brother,
Joseph xx
So Joseph had written to tell her of her father’s passing. He hadn’t just left her to find out from an obituary in the newspaper. Something else she’d resented him for that he hadn’t even done. With shaking hands Bethany opened the last letter.
Bethany, it’s clear to me now that you’re never going to forgive me. It breaks my heart, but I’ve finally realised I’ve got to accept it. I suppose I thought that, once our father had passed, it would somehow change things between us. Obviously that’s not the case. You might want to know I had him cremated in the end, or perhaps you don’t care one way or the other.
It’s okay, Beth. I know the chances are we’ll never meet again. I just want you to know that I love you so much and I always will.
But I get the message now. I’ll stop writing and leave you in peace. I hope you have the happiest of lives, my darling sister, with all the love and kindness you deserve.
Your loving brother,
Joseph xx
Bethany’s hand flew to her mouth. He’d given up because he truly believed she wasn’t bothered about him. That she hadn’t even taken the trouble to reply to him when their father died. He must have thought her so cruel, so unforgiving, yet he’d still signed himself as her loving brother.
As tears rolled down her cheeks, she spotted, out of the corner of her eye, an envelope sticking out of the canvas bag. She put the letter down and reached for it, realising it wasn’t another letter but a card. A Christmas card perhaps? Or a birthday card.
She gasped as she checked the postmark. This card had only been sent last November! After such a long gap why had Joseph suddenly decided to write to her again?
As an awful thought struck her, she tore open the envelope and pulled out the card. It had a picture of two donkeys on the front, which was typical Joseph. Inside there was no printed verse, only Joseph’s handwriting—not as neat as it usually was as he poured out his final message to her.
My darling Beth,
Oh, this is a hard letter to write. Even harder than all those letters I used to send you all them years ago. Even so, I have to do this. I have to contact you one last time.
I haven’t been very well, Beth. Well, the plain fact is I’m very poorly. I’ve had all the tests and there’s nothing more they can do. I’m not sure how long I’ve got but judging by the expressions on people’s faces I’d say not that long. So I’ve had to put pen to paper once more before I get too frail to walk to the post box on my own and while I can still think clearly.
I’ve missed you, Beth. I saw a wedding announcement for that fella you married and Helena, and you could have knocked me over with a feather. I never expected that. I really hope it’s not as bad as it sounds and them two didn’t do the dirty on you. I’d hoped that you’d found your happy ever after, but it seems he wasn’t the man for you after all.
Maybe you’ve already found someone else. I hope so. You deserve to be loved. You were always such a sweetheart. The light of my life.
I’ll never forgive myself for how I drove you away but if it’s any consolation I’ve paid the price. All these years without you have been hard to bear at times. Not your fault and there’s no blame attached to you. Everything I got I asked for and I know it. I’m not writing this to make you feel guilty. I just needed you to know a couple of things.
Firstly, about Pepper. When he passed away I had him cremated. I didn’t want to get rid of his ashes because I thought you might want them some day. Then I read about some young lass who’d had her pony’s ashes put into a rocking horse, and I thought, bingo!
I had a rocking horse made especially for the job and I got them to make it so it looks just like that one you wanted when you were a little girl. Do you remember that, Beth? That day in Kirkby Skimmer at the toy shop? Aw, you loved that horse and I wish I’d been able to get it for you. You broke my heart that day. Maybe this is the only way I can even try to make it up to you. I’ve had the ashes placed inside the horse’s belly and it’s in your old room waiting for you. I hope that’s okay with you.
The other thing I have to tell you is a bit trickier. I’ve been running a horse sanctuary at Whispering Willows. Not a big one by any means. Just taking in a few waifs and strays as and when I could. But now, the way things are, they’re going to pass into your care when I’m gone.
I’m not so daft that I don’t know you’ll likely sell Whispering Willows the minute I’m gone, and I don’t blame you for that. But will you please promise me that you’ll find good homes for my animals? You won’t have to do it alone. Clive and Summer will help you I’m sure.
Clive’s a vet but he’s also my best friend and the finest, most decent man you could ever hope to meet. And Summer’s the little lass who works for me. She’s been a godsend to me, she really has. She’s so kind and hardworking and compassionate. She reminds me of you when you were her age. Except, I never saw you at her age, did I? I haven’t seen you since you were nineteen years old and by heck, that gave me a shock when I realised it.
I don’t know who you are these days, but I do know that you’ll still be the loving person I knew back then, and that’s why I trust you to do the right thing by my residents, and by Viva. She’s my little dog and if you can give her a home, I’d be so grateful, but Clive has promised me he’ll take her if your circumstances don’t allow it.
Well, that’s all I have to say now, Beth. I guess this is it. I won’t expect a reply and I can only hope that you’re still at this address, despite the divorce, and that you will read this letter and not just throw it on the fire unopened.
I would have loved for us to make it up before it’s too late, but I know now that won’t happen and I’ve made my peace with it.
Do you remember when you were a little girl, and I used to tell you that it would all be right? Well, this time it’s going to be a bit difficult.
Maybe one day you and I will be reunited, and all this pain and sadness will be forgotten. I hope so, Beth. Until then be happy and know that I love you now and always have.
Your brother
Joseph xx
Bethany covered her face with her hands and sobbed. Oh, Joseph! She should have been with him. If she’d just read this letter back in November, she could have gone to him and been with him for his final months. They could have put all that stuff with Glenn firmly behind them because she knew now it hadn’t mattered. None of it had mattered. Glenn had been a small blot on her past while Joseph had been her everything. She’d loved him so much.
How, she wondered, had she forgotten about the rocking horse? She remembered it now so clearly. That day in Kirkby Skimmer…
She’d been about six years old and it had been about a week before Christmas.
Mother had been holed up in her room for days and Father had been ‘entertaining’ a lady friend in the living room which had made Joseph angrier than Bethany had ever seen him. That seemed to amuse Father no end, and eventually Joseph had told Bethany to put her coat and shoes on because he was taking her out for the afternoon.
They’d driven all the way up to Kirkby Skimmer in Upper Skimmerdale. Joseph hadn’t said much on the way there and at first his face had been dark and angry as he stared fixedly at the road ahead. Gradually though, he’d started to relax and by the time they reached the large market town, he was all smiles again.
‘Let’s have something to eat,’ he’d suggested, aware that neither of them had stopped to eat any dinner before they left Whispering Willows.
He’d taken her into a cute little café which she’d been thrilled about. They’d had a tasty meal followed by syrup pudding and custard because Joseph knew that was her favourite.
‘Right,’ he said after paying the bill. ‘Let’s go and find a really good Christmas present for Mother.’
It hadn’t been as easy as she’d expected. They’d realised fairly quickly that their mother seemed to have no interest in anything and had expressed no desire for any gifts. They’d found an antique shop and Joseph had bought her a silver locket from the two of them. Bethany was sure she’d love it as it was so pretty.
Holding Joseph’s hand, she’d skipped along the street, gazing around in delight at all the shop windows which were decorated for the festive season.
‘Well, look at this, Beth,’ Joseph had said, stopping outside the toy shop. He’d scooped her into his arms so she could see the window display more clearly, and they’d both gazed through the glass at the assortment of wonderful items: the latest doll that everyone in Bethany’s class seemed to want; a little pink typewriter; packs of plasticine; boxes of Lego; a nurse’s outfit complete with hat and cape; and a toy sweet shop with a set of scales and a till.
‘Do you think Father Christmas will bring me something nice?’ she’d asked him wistfully. Somewhere at the back of her mind she’d known, even then, that with her mother not being so well and her father having no interest in her whatsoever, there was a very good chance that Christmas wouldn’t be so good this year.
Joseph had looked at her, sadness in his eyes. ‘I’m sure he will,’ he’d promised. ‘Hey, why don’t we go inside and look around? I might even treat you to some of those stickers you like.’
She’d been thrilled at the prospect and had happily followed him into the shop, holding his hand tightly as she stared at the amazing displays of dolls, board games, jigsaws, and brightly coloured children’s books on the shelves.
Over in one corner she’d spotted some doll’s prams and some bikes with stabilisers and a large and very expensive looking doll’s house.
‘Some lovely dolls in here, Beth,’ Joseph had murmured. ‘If Father Christmas were to bring you one of them, which one do you hope it would be?’
But Bethany had barely registered what he was asking her. Her eyes had fallen on a beautiful rocking horse at the far end of the shop. Without thinking, she managed to free her hand from Joseph’s grasp and ran over to inspect it more closely.
It was so pretty. A gorgeous dapple grey with a black mane and tail, wearing a leather saddle and bridle. It had large, brown eyes which were so irresistible that Bethany threw her arms around its neck and hugged it.
‘Wow, this is a beauty,’ Joseph said, reaching her side.
‘Do you think Father Christmas would get him for me?’ she’d asked hopefully.
He’d turned over a label attached to the browband of the rocking horse’s bridle and frowned before looking down at her.
‘Er, maybe not for Christmas, Beth.’ He’d paused, his gaze far away as he seemed to be thinking about something, or working something out. ‘But maybe in June for your birthday? What do you say?’
‘Father Christmas doesn’t work in June,’ she’d reminded him, making him smile.
‘I know, but big brothers do. I could ask the shopkeeper to order another one especially for you. Would you like that?’
‘Oh, Joseph!’
She’d stared up at him in delight then turned to hug the rocking horse again. But as she breathed in the scent of the artificial hair, wrinkling her nose as it tickled her, a sudden feeling of sadness had overwhelmed her and she’d stepped away.
‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘I don’t want him.’
Joseph had stared down at her, clearly perplexed. ‘You don’t want him? But why not?’
Bethany shrugged. ‘Just don’t.’
‘Okay, Beth, what’s the matter? You loved him to bits a minute ago so why…?’
‘I don’t want Father to hurt him,’ she mumbled.
Joseph had inhaled sharply before crouching down in front of her. ‘You don’t want…’
‘If I do something wrong, he’ll hurt him,’ she’d burst out. ‘Like he hurt Magnus last week when he was mad with you. And I know I’ll do something to make him mad with me because, even though I try really hard to be good, I keep getting things wrong and he gets so cross. Magnus is so big compared to this horse and Father would only break him.’ She’d shaken her head sadly. ‘I don’t want him to come home to Whispering Willows, Joseph. He’s better off here.’
Joseph had straightened and closed his eyes for a moment. Swallowing hard he’d said, ‘Right, well… Shall we go and see what else is going on in town today? The market’s on after all.’
Taking her hand, he’d led her outside and straight to the market where he’d bought her a little plastic bracelet and a bag of sweets before they headed back towards the car park. Nearing the church, they’d seen a crowd gathered round the steps where the Salvation Army band were playing Christmas carols.
Joseph and Bethany had stood, hand in hand, listening to Silent Night. Bethany had no idea why, but the music had a strange effect on her. She thought about her mother locked away in her bedroom. She thought about Joseph getting cross about their father’s friend being at the house, and how Father had laughed at him. She thought about Magnus and the beautiful rocking horse in the shop. Suddenly it all seemed too much.
Joseph bent down and wiped away the tears she hadn’t even noticed. ‘What’s wrong, Beth?’
‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. ‘I’m just sad.’
He’d immediately picked her up and held her tightly to him. ‘It won’t always be like this,’ he’d told her fiercely. ‘I swear to you, things will get better. And you’ll always have me to look out for you. Remember that. It’s going to be right, Beth. It’s all going to be right. Promise.’
Bethany could hardly see for the tears blurring her eyes. She’d forgotten all about that day, but Joseph hadn’t. She’d never got the rocking horse, but she had unwrapped one of the lovely dolls she’d admired in the toy shop window—no doubt a gift from her brother. And all those years later he’d had a rocking horse just like that one made especially for her so the ashes of her real pony would be kept safe for her.
Oh, Joseph! I’m so, so sorry. You deserved so much more than you got. You were always looking out for me and because of one mistake I let you go. And now it’s all too late.
If only Ted and Helena had told her about the letters it would never have got this far. All she’d wanted was to know Joseph was sorry and that he still loved her. She’d needed to believe that her brother truly cared about her, but all those years she’d heard nothing and believed he didn’t love her. Now Joseph was gone and there was nothing she could do to put things right. She’d never be able to tell him how much she loved him or how sorry she was for the way she’d behaved. It was all far too late.
Suddenly her grief turned to anger. Ted! How dare he keep these letters from her? What right had he had to turn Joseph away and not even tell her? To let her think her brother had abandoned her just like her mother had.
And Helena! Helena had been her best friend since schooldays. How could she have acted so cruelly? She and Ted had colluded to keep her away from her own brother.
For her protection. Because it was best for her.
What gave them the right to decide what was best for her?
And just like that Bethany began to see things as they truly were. Helena had encouraged Bethany to leave Whispering Willows and come to York to stay with her, rather than try to work things out with Joseph. When she’d met Ted he’d taken charge in their relationship from the first; even their wedding had been arranged by him with no input from her. He’d insisted they move into the home he already owned, even though she’d suggested they look for somewhere that would belong to both of them. He’d refused to let her decorate it to her taste, instead instructing professionals to make the few alterations he wanted.
She shook her head, her face in her hands. She’d wanted children. All right, so it wasn’t Ted’s fault he couldn’t have them, but they could have adopted. He’d made it obvious that wasn’t on the agenda, despite knowing how desperate she was for a child of her own to love. She wasn’t even allowed to have a bloody dog!
And his affair with Helena… All this time she’d told herself they’d been kind to her about it. Unselfish even. Done all they could to make it up to her because they were sorry. How sorry had they actually been?
Not sorry enough to stop themselves from starting the affair in the first place. Not sorry enough to end it when it became serious. Not sorry enough not to break it to her that they were in love.
Ted had wanted a divorce. He’d wanted his house. She’d moved out to make things easy for them and he’d paid her off with a hefty divorce settlement and she told herself it was because he was kind and wanted to stay friends with her.
But money meant nothing to Ted. It never had. He’d had far too much of it to mind giving her a bumper payout to shut her up. So long as it didn’t disrupt his life he would have paid her twice that amount if she’d asked.
She’d been so pathetically grateful that they’d stayed in her life because she’d needed them. She’d needed to belong somewhere to someone.
And all the while she’d kept quiet and plastered on a smile, watching from the sidelines as Ted played father to Helena’s children, loving grandad to her grandsons.
Helena hadn’t invited her to move in with her after Ted died out of the kindness of her heart. She’d asked her to move in because she was lonely and sad. But when her children came to stay, she’d been quick to ask Bethany if she’d mind going away for a while to give her little family time to be together as a unit.
A unit, she thought with startling clarity, that didn’t include her. When it suited.
And all that time, all those years, these letters had been hidden away from her. Why had Ted kept them? Why hadn’t he burned them? Was it some sort of power trip? Some perverse pleasure knowing he had the means to change her life forever but was choosing not to?
And Helena… Even knowing Joseph’s fate, she still hadn’t admitted that he’d written to her recently. Instead she’d shoved that final card in the bag with all the others, robbing Bethany and Joseph of their last chance to be reunited. How could she call herself a friend?
They’d controlled her for years; she could see that now. Both of them. She’d been a puppet and they’d pulled her strings, with her too blinded by her need for them to realise it.
She thought about Clive.
I never wanted you to stay here just for me, Bethany. I never expected it, and I wouldn’t have asked it of you.
And he hadn’t, even though she was sure he’d wanted to. The difference was, Clive treated her like an adult. He respected her and wanted her to do what was right for her whatever the cost to himself.
He hadn’t told her everything about Jennifer. She was sure of that. But even so, sitting here surrounded by all the evidence of Ted’s and Helena’s betrayal, she knew for certain that he wasn’t like them.
Whatever Clive hadn’t been able to tell her it wasn’t what she’d assumed. He just wasn’t that man and deep down she knew it. But she’d jumped to conclusions because that’s what she’d come to expect, and her self-esteem had been so low, so damaged that she’d thought it was inevitable. And she’d done what she’d always done, ever since she was a teenager.
She’d run back to Helena. Her friend.
Her friend!
Bethany stared at the letters on the bed and gave a strangled sob.
‘Oh, Joseph! I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.’
Frantically she shoved them back in the bag then pulled her suitcase from under the bed. No more of this. She was taking back control of her own life and to hell with Helena.
She was going back to Tuppenny Bridge.
She was going home.