Chapter Seventeen
Rowan
Roxy and I cuddle on the sofa while Luca runs to town for something to eat. I think she’s loving the heating pad, the only reason she’s really cuddling with me, but I’ll take her cuddles anyway I can.
My head hurts, and I don’t know if it’s from the fall or just from being in constant pain. I’m annoyed with myself for letting it go on for so long, but if I admitted it, I felt like they won, when I know that’s not the truth. The constant reminder of them is something I haven’t gotten used to.
Thinking back to the days I spent alone and healing in the campus dorm, bleeding and feeling like my insides were going to fall out of me, I want to hold that Rowan so badly.
Love her and help her, but I can’t. The only thing I can do now is get this Rowan back to a pain-free life.
And I will. Today was scary, and if I’m honest with myself, a wake-up call.
I think I can handle everything, but I can’t.
I’m only human with a beating crimson heart; we all are.
I no longer have normal menstrual cycles; either they’re months apart or so bad that I bleed through everything.
Being with Luca is one of my favorite things, but sometimes the pain that comes afterward makes me want to shoot my brain out.
During sex, I can ignore it. I force myself to, because I’m not letting them have that too, but once done, I silently emerge into a river of pain, never letting Luca know because I don’t want him to feel like he has to be easy on me.
The TV is just background noise for my running thoughts, but they’re interrupted when a loud bang sounds outside. Roxy immediately jumps off me, her paw digging into my stomach.
“Motherfucker,” I whine out before standing up.
Looking out the window, I see nothing, but Roxy is barking and pacing at the front door.
“Okay. Okay,” I call down to her as she cries to get outside, taking her paws and scratching at the door frame.
Opening the door, she bolts out and runs behind the house. I step outside, but I instantly feel uncomfortable and haul ass back in, feeling like I can’t close and lock the door fast enough.
With my back to the now locked door, I turn on the security alarm, running back to the window. The panoramic view it offers from the outside lets me see nothing out of the ordinary.
Heading to the back of the house, my feet slapping the hardwood floor as I run to the back, all the while holding my stomach.
But looking out of the windows, I still see nothing, not even Roxy, until in the distance, I swear I see a figure in the lining of the woods.
Squinting my eyes, trying to get a better look, but it’s still too far away.
I stand there motionless, just watching it, while I swear it watches me.
The hair on my arm stands to attention as chills overtake my body.
I know if I blink, it’ll be gone. So, I don’t…
not until my eyes water and it becomes too much.
Finally blinking quickly, I open them back up, but the figure is gone.
“What the fuck?” I whisper to the empty house.
Being all the way out here has never weirded me out before; I stayed here alone so many times while Luca was away at work, but now this is creeping me out.
Bringing my finger to my lip, I bite my cuticles, still not taking my eyes off that damn spot, until my phone chimes, alerting me to a text, forcing me to move.
By the time Luca gets back, I’m still weirded out but saying nothing. I know he’d never leave me alone again if I raised some worries for him, and that I can’t have.
Hurrying to turn the alarm off so he doesn’t ask me why it was on, I open the door for him, eyes scanning behind him. “Did you see Roxy when you drove up?”
Takeout in hand, he kisses my cheek before passing me. “I didn’t,” he calls out over his shoulder.
Stepping out to the driveway, “Roxy! Roxy!” I scream her name, waiting to hear her bark, but nothing. “Rox!” comes out more worried.
“I’m sure she’s off hunting,” Luca calls from inside. “Come and eat.”
“Yeah,” I mutter to myself before entering the house and locking the door behind me.
We’re alerted that someone is at the front gate as we sit on the sofa. Roxy still hasn’t returned, and night has fallen.
“Dr. Maggie is here.”
“Okay.” I sit up straighter, nerves going haywire.
“It’ll be okay.” Luca pats my leg before standing and walking to the front door to wait for them.
Light's beam across the living room as my stomach falls to the floor. Breathing in deeply, I decided I should meet them with Luca as well.
She’s older, but nothing I expected. Short, round, and with a head full of white hair. It’s all piled up on top of her head, and I know if it were down, it would be down her back, beautiful gray.
“Hi,” I meekly greet her.
Dr. Maggie reaches her hand out. “Nice to meet you.” Her voice isn’t anything you’d expect from someone who looks like her. It’s strong, deep, and you can tell she takes no shit. I give her a smile.
I watch as she turns to Luca. “Rowan and I will get to know each other first, then I’ll perform the exam.”
We both watch her as she steps outside. “Richard, bring everything in and,” she pauses, “where do you want the table set up?” She doesn’t look at Luca, but at me.
“Umm, the other spare room would work.”
“Luca, show Richard where that is so he can set up while Rowan and I talk.”
Richard is huge. My eyes widen as he walks in. I thought Thomas was a big man, but was I fucking mistaken. What Dr. Maggie lacks in size, Richard makes up for it in his.
She sees me staring at him, giving me a smile. “Never leave home without him.”
“I’ll be back,” Luca tells me before leading Richard to the unoccupied guest room.
“Would you like something to drink, Dr. Maggie?” I ask, feeling uncomfortable.
“No, Dear. I’m okay. Let's head to the guest room as well.”
I nod my head, and she follows me down the hall. On our way in, the men are making their way out, but Luca stops.
“Luca, I’ll call you if she needs you.”
I inwardly sigh, knowing it’ll just be her and me in there. I don’t want Luca to hear everything I need to say or what she finds. I don’t want to taint him with my scars. So, I give him a tight smile, while he looks at Dr. Maggie as if he wants to shake her by her tiny frame.
Once we enter the room, she shuts the door, leaving Luca waiting outside.
The room feels like my guestroom. Greeted by the light olive-green bedding with floral pictures and golden accents around the room screams my guest room, but now there is a portable exam table that also has stirrups attached.
The doctor's bag and another that looks like it could be a small suitcase sit next to the exam table…gurney? I don’t know and don’t care.
The whole thing is making me want to itch, feeling like I have hives breaking out over my whole body.
“Can we sit and talk for a little? I’d like to get to know you. Luca told me a few things, but I’d like to hear it all from you, if that’s okay?” Dr. Maggie points to the sitting area that offers two oversized chairs.
“Sure.” I walk to the chair, easing into it.
My pain has subsided, but it’s still there; I try to ignore it.
I know she sees my pinched face when she reaches out and places her hand on mine.
In that moment, she lent me some of her strength and silently told me, I don’t need to be ashamed.
I see it bouncing from her hazel eyes, that I know she has seen everything.
I force myself to clear my throat, hoping the words will come.
I don’t enjoy talking about them or what happened.
“Over a year ago, I was brutally raped by three people at my college.” I swallow as if I can swallow the words back down like the whale did to Moby.
But this isn’t a story; this is real, and those words are now out.
I pan my eyes away from Dr. Maggie, but her voice calls them back to her, “Look at me when you speak. This is yours. This is a part of you, Rowan. Don’t be ashamed, because I promise you, you have nothing to be ashamed of.” Her words bring tears to my eyes, but I bat them away.
“I bled for weeks afterward.” I give her a tight smile.
“I had to wear diapers because it was that bad. My body was so torn and used,” I shrug, “and tired. I knew I needed medical attention, but I was scared and didn’t even try.
Scared they’d come back and finish me if they got wind of me getting help.
I couldn’t sit for a long while. I knew I especially needed stitches in my rectum, but again, I did nothing about it.
The pain in my stomach was almost immediate, but at first, I wrote it off as just being something normal.
My body was healing? But after the first few months, I knew it wasn’t normal.
I shouldn’t still be hurting. I barely have periods, and when I do, they are nothing like I’ve ever had before.
” I spill it all out, and she sits there quietly while I do.
No slight inclination of judgment for not going to the doctor. Just pure understanding in her eyes.
“Rowan,” Dr. Maggie squeezes my hand, “first, I want to say how remarkable you are. Because you are. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. This wasn’t you; this was them.
You deserved nothing that was bestowed upon you because of some evil men.
And know that.” She lets go of my hand and stands, walking to the exam table, pulling a sheet out of her bag along with what looks like a hospital gown.
“You survived, and here you are, telling me your story. Because even though it’s the shittiest one, it’s your story of survival.
” She turns and makes her way back to me, holding the hospital gown out to me.
“I’ll step outside while you get undressed. ”