Chapter Seventeen #2
The room grows quiet as I shrug off my clothing, looking down at the brand on my stomach, my lip curling in disgust, before putting on the hospital gown and tying it in the front. My legs shake as I walk to the table, anxiety rising as I sit on it, maneuvering myself into a laying position.
A slight knock sounds on the door before Dr. Maggie cracks it open, peering in to make sure I’m dressed before walking in.
I watch as she opens the small suitcase once she lays it on the bed.
“I’ll let you know everything I do before I do it and what is happening while I’m doing the exam. This here,” I watch her lay a sheet of paper on the bed, “is a GE Portable ultrasound machine. I will be able to examine your uterus to see what's happening.”
I stay quiet as she lays her bag on the bed and starts taking out tools.
I know, from the gleaming silver encased in closed plastic, exactly what it is.
She lays out more tools, as well as a few empty vials and a needle.
I swallow loudly when I see that. Looking away, I hear pill bottles being laid down.
Once her gloves are in place, she walks over and helps me put my feet in the stirrups.
My knees locked, not wanting to open them.
“It’s okay, Rowan. I’m going to insert a finger inside your vagina and feel around to see if I can feel any scar tissue.
This is a normal exam you’d get at the gynecologist, but with this, I’ll be looking for the reason for all the pain you’ve been having.
” She motions for me to scoot down the table, and reluctantly, I do.
“Okay.” That is all I can say as I slowly unlatch my knees, letting my legs fall open. She turns on the light on her headpiece, which now adorns her head, before smiling at me.
“I’m fixing to insert my finger; you’ll feel pressure, but that’s normal.”
I breathe deeply, wanting to close my legs and force her out of me, but I lie watching the ceiling fan blades turn in circles, trying to regulate my breathing.
“Good job. I’m all done with that. Now I’m going to take the speculum and insert it. It’ll open your canal for me, so I can swab it and take a better look for any abnormalities.”
I groan as she inserts it and can feel the pressure as it slowly opens. “Goddamn,” I mutter, biting my lip.
“Not much longer and you’ll be done with this part.”
My heart is racing, but finally she’s telling me I can scoot up on the bed.
I watch her walk back to the bed, and with precision, she has the speculum back in the bag it came in, the swabs in their own tubes, and her gloves in another bag, I’m guessing for trash.
“Is it okay if I feel your stomach before I start the ultrasound?”
“Yeah.”
Standing over me, she blows on her hands and rubs them together. “Downside of getting old, my body is always cold,” she tells me, smiling.
“If at any point you feel pain, please tell me,” she says as she opens my gown, revealing my stomach. I see the moment she sees the scar. I watch her neck move as she swallows.
“A parting gift.” I try to be funny, but it falls flat.
She pushes my stomach, and immediately the pain appears with vengeance.
“Okay, sweetie, anywhere else?” she asks lightly.
“Right there,” I say as her hand pushes where my scar is.
“I’m going to roll you over closer to the bed, so my ultrasound machine will reach.”
For a tiny woman, she shows no struggle when she moves the bed.
I lay in silence as she preps the machine, marveling at how advanced technology is, when she turns on the ultrasound, and a black-and-white screen appears.
“I’m sorry, this is cold,” she tells me before squirting jelly onto my stomach.
As the wand touches my stomach, the screen lights up. I decided to watch Maggie to see if she shows any sign of seeing something, but she doesn’t. She constantly takes pauses, pushing buttons on the main base and taking a deeper look at what's on the monitor.
After what feels like forever, she looks down at me. “We’re all done.”
“What did you see?” I ask her while I sit up, pulling the gown closed. I need to get off this table. I do. I can tell she doesn’t expect to see me standing as she turns around.
“I’ll let you get dressed and will be back in.”
“No, can we just go over it now?” It comes out as a plea.
Dr. Maggie gives me a tight smile. “Of course.”
I follow her to the chairs we were in earlier.
“I will not sugarcoat this with you. Your ultrasound lit up like Christmas. You have so much scar tissue in your uterus, I’m not surprised you’re in pain.
And yes, this is most likely from the trauma you endured, but some endometriosis could have already been present.
But I’m betting on my first answer. Your body went through so much trauma that I would expect your uterus to look as it does. ”
All I can do is nod, because what the hell else am I supposed to do?
“You can have surgery to remove the scar tissue. Especially if the pain gets worse, I’d recommend it. But of course, that’s all up to you.”
“Okay.”
“I’m going to send the cultures off, and I will call you when I get them back. We can hang off on the blood test if you want, but I’d recommend it.”
“Yeah, let's get that done too while you’re here,” I say monotone, checked out.
My eyes follow her as she makes her way back to the bed, putting on new gloves before walking back to me.
“Whichever arm you’d prefer.”
I hold out my left arm and watch her as she ties a rubber band around my forearm and proceeds to clean my skin with an alcohol wipe.
I don’t wince when I watch the needle disappear into my skin, fascinated watching the vial fill with my blood…my crimson red blood.
The pop sounds as she removes the vial and replaces it with another, then removes the rubber band from my arm, takes the needle out, caps it, drops it into her scrub shirt, followed by the vials. Holding a cotton ball to my arm, she smiles at me.
I watch as she places all her belongings back in her bag, one question wanting to escape my lips, but I’m scared to ask.
“Dr. Maggie.” I pause, needing to take a deep breath. She looks at me, eyebrows raised. “Do you think I’ll be able to have babies?” It comes out so quietly, but I know she heard.
She stands up straighter as I watch her lips curl inward. “I hope you’ll be able to. But is it going to be easy? I don’t think so. You’ll need some intervention, I’d think. But Rowan, I’m not God. Only he can decide that.”
I huff out when she speaks of God, because I’m still pissed off at him.
“Have faith.”
“Easy for you to say,” I grumble like a petulant child. I’m annoyed with myself for acting like that, but I’m mad.
“We all have our own stories, Dear, and maybe mine was just like yours.”
My eyes widen when she gives me a sad smile right before turning her back to me, making her way to the bedroom door. She stops her exit, turning back. “I was able to have four healthy babies.” Her eyes glisten before she disappears.
I sit there, replaying her words. Trying to decipher them, and it’s easy to do.
She was a survivor, like me. Dr. Maggie survived, like me.
Tears run down my cheeks before I swipe them away, running to the bedroom door and slamming it before getting dressed.
One thing on repeat as I dress is David is paying for this.
For the chance he most likely took away from me to have children.
For using me. For killing my soul and scaring my body, inside and out. He is paying for it all.
Once I exit the bedroom, Luca sits on the barstool waiting for me. He turns around, eyes wide. “Baby.”
I plant myself right next to him. Laying my head on his shoulder.
“You okay?” His whiskey breath cascades over my skin and to my nose.
“I will be,” I say with every ounce I have. Because I will be. I have to be.