15. Willow
Willow
The Fourth of July Festival is a big deal for our little town of Blue Haven.
Well, any holiday is really. We like to go all out.
But the Fourth of July has always been fun because it’s more like one big summer celebration.
There’s no way I’m leaving Main Street today without a little sunburn and eating at least five popsicles. It’s tradition.
Macy and I spend the morning nursing our hangovers. Sawyer whips up some bacon, eggs, and pancakes, and we all split an entire pot of coffee.
Eventually, we pull ourselves off the couch to start getting ready. I French braid my hair and then, of course, have to do Macy’s. I wear a red tank top and Macy wears a blue one, which easily matches our white shorts. She adds glitter spray to complete our looks.
The festival is already in full swing when we get there, the sun at full heat. Quintessential summer.
There are booths set up all around the town square with food, drinks, games, and vendors. I go straight to my favorite frozen lemonade stand.
Once I have that in hand, we start walking through the town square. Sawyer has already abandoned us, which I expected he would. I know he has a whole life in town and doesn’t need his little sister and her friend hanging around him all the time.
I’m kind of glad he left us alone because it will make it easier to be on the lookout for Beck. I wanted to text him this morning, but I wasn’t sure if I should.
I can still feel his calloused hands running along my body. The way he gripped my waist and then my breast. I don’t think I’ve ever been more turned on in my entire life. But then something spooked him, and he looked at me like he was terrified of what he’d done.
I was frustrated, both emotionally and sexually, when I went back into the bar without him.
I was angry that he was jealous but wouldn’t do anything about it and reacted childishly by laying it on thick with Ace.
But I was only doing it to piss off Beck.
I wanted to see if he’d do anything. Unfortunately for me, he didn’t.
So now I’m an asshole for putting myself through that all night and leading Ace on when I have no intention of taking anything further with him.
I felt especially terrible about it when I woke up this morning and saw a text from Ace but nothing from Beck. Although Beck was pretty out of it last night, so I imagine he passed out hard when he got home.
“Do you think you’ll see lover boy today?” Macy asks.
She doesn’t have to specify. We both know who she’s talking about. “He said he’d be here.” I look around but don’t spot Jade or Beck’s signature baseball hat. I shrug it off, pretending like I don’t care either way. “I’m sure I’ll see him if I see him.”
I only have a short time with my friend this summer, and I don’t want to spend any more time obsessing over a man who wants me but refuses to do anything about it.
“Let’s play some games.” I lead her in the direction of the carnival-style booths. We play ring toss and a dart game, which we’re both terrible at. We’re headed to the next booth when I hear my name.
I look over and see Jade about to jump out of her seat at the face painting station trying to get my attention. I laugh and head in her direction. “Girl, you gotta sit down, or you’re going to mess up your face paint.”
“I wanted you to see me,” she says, settling down into her seat.
“Oh, I see you.” I look over to see Beck smiling at us. “Beck, good to see you alive and well today.”
He bumps his shoulder into mine and mumbles, “Shut up.”
Jade finishes getting the butterfly on her face before the four of us grab popsicles to cool down.
I can already feel the sweat dripping down my back.
Then we head to the playground area so she can play for a bit.
Jade sees a few kids from her school and runs off to the slides.
Macy excuses herself to the restroom, leaving Beck and me alone.
At first, it’s awkward, and we don’t say anything to each other. I’m not sure what to say. Do we do small talk? Pretend like he didn’t feel me up last night? Or do we address the elephant in the room?
Thankfully, Beck breaks the silence for us. “How are you feeling today?”
I look over at him and instantly know he’s just as confused as I am. “How do you want me to answer that?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you want me to be honest, or do you want me to tell you what I think you want to hear?” I ask.
“Honesty always, Wills.”
I sigh. “I don’t know, Beck. I’m confused, I guess. You look at me like you want me. You touch me like you want me. But then you won’t do anything about it. I’m trying to respect your decision, but it sucks.”
“You’re leaving next month, Willow. Who knows when you’ll be back. It doesn’t make sense to ruin what we have or what Sawyer and I have for one month.”
“What if I wasn’t leaving? Would that make any difference?” I ask, knowing that not leaving isn’t an option. But I’m curious to know if he would change his mind if that were the case.
“I don’t know, Willow. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m scared. You’re so young. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. I’m in an entirely different place in my life. Even if I did take this further temporarily, I have to think about how it would affect Jade, too.”
I swallow and nod. “I know.”
“But that doesn’t make this any easier. Seeing Ace touch you. Seeing you touch him. I wanted to scratch my eyes out. I want you, Willow. I want every single part of you, but I can’t have you. I know that, and I think you do, too.”
I hate to admit that he’s right. Reasonably, I know he is.
But the more immature part of me is fighting with the lust, and all I want is him.
He’s all I think about. Sometimes I wonder if I could scratch that itch just once; then maybe I would be ok knowing I had him to myself, if only for a moment.
“Well, it still sucks.” Not my most profound statement, but it’s how I feel right now. “It’s not fair.”
“I wish things were different, Willow. You have no idea. But they aren’t. There’s too much at stake.”
I wish things were different, too. That he was younger or I was older, or maybe that he wasn’t best friends with my brother and just a random man I met. That way, he’d be mine, and we wouldn’t have this question of “how would Sawyer react?” hanging over us.
“Why the long faces?” Sawyer’s voice makes me jump. I hadn’t even noticed him walking up to us. “Is everything ok? You guys looked like you were battling it out.”
My brain scrambles to come up with something because the last thing I want to do is put Beck on the spot here and have to discuss the one thing he’s been trying so hard to avoid.
“Uh, we were just debating popsicle flavors. Can you believe this guy?” I hook my thumb in Beck’s direction. “Says he likes grape popsicles. Of all the popsicles, grape? How lame.”
Sawyer looks at Beck. “Grape? Seriously, man?”
Beck thankfully goes along with it. “Yeah, I dunno. It’s just really refreshing, I guess.”
Poor guy probably doesn’t even like grape popsicles. I chuckle to myself as I walk away from them to find Macy.
By the time the fireworks show is about to start at the end of the day, I’m wiped out.
We’ve spent the day in the scorching sun watching the parade, the pie-eating contest, and a few other silly competitions.
Then we ate and ate and ate some more in between playing games and catching up with people I haven’t seen in years.
Most importantly, I’ve been avoiding Beck and Sawyer, which is not an easy feat when you’re stuck in a thirty-thousand-square-foot area.
Unfortunately, my luck runs out when Jade spots me just before the fireworks show.
Macy and I are sitting on a curb off the square, and there just so happens to be an open spot next to us.
Jade sits down next to me, and I can tell she’s getting sleepy.
Her eyes look heavy, and not even a minute into sitting down, she lays her head down on my lap.
Beck sits next to her with Sawyer on the other side of him.
“Wow, you actually managed to tire her out,” I say to Beck. “I didn’t think it was possible.”
“I also had my doubts,” he admits. “But she’s been running around here all day. I think she knows more people here than I do.”
“The power of elementary school.”
“I guess so.”
He smiles at me. He looks lighter than he did earlier. Maybe it’s because he’s tired too, or he’s just glad we talked it out. I hate that we were interrupted, but Sawyer walking up on us was a heavy reminder of why Beck and I would never work out anyway.
I run my hand slowly over Jade’s head, and Beck watches it move back and forth as if he’s trying to memorize this moment. I don’t let myself read into it. He’s not going to change his mind.
The fireworks start, and Jade doesn’t budge. I look down to see she’s fallen fast asleep on my lap.
While everyone is focused on the colors in the sky, Beck shifts his hand to my other hand on the ground propping myself up. His fingers overlap mine just barely but enough for me to know he wishes it were more. It’s a tease, but I want it nonetheless.
When the show finishes, he gently removes Jade from my lap and prepares to carry her back to his truck like she weighs absolutely nothing.
It’s incredibly attractive, and I’m really starting to understand why I’ve heard women say men with kids are so hot.
It is hot watching him care so much for this tiny human.
He’d do anything for her, including not giving himself what he wants.
“See you at home,” Sawyer says, taking off for his truck. My car has been here since last night, so I’ll drive it home tonight.
Beck walks beside Macy and me, and I realize once we’re closer that he’s parked right next to me. I can’t help but wonder if he did that on purpose.
Macy gets in my car without a word, giving me a minute with Beck. He straps Jade into her car seat and then turns to me.
“I’ll see you in the morning? Brooks is covering the morning at the stable, so you don’t need to be there until about ten or so.”
“Yeah, I’ll be there. That’ll give me time to say goodbye to Macy. She’s heading home tomorrow.”
He nods, and then we stand there, staring at each other like we have no idea what to say. I finally blurt out, “I wish I could kiss you goodbye.”
His eyes find mine. “I wish that too, Willow. You have no idea how badly.”
Instead of a kiss, he pulls me into his body for a hug. It’s not exactly what I want, but it’ll suffice. I wrap my arms around him as he pulls me in tighter. I could stay like this all night, wrapped up in his arms. If we both didn’t have people waiting on us, I would never leave this spot.
He kisses the side of my head before he lets me go. “Be careful driving home,” he murmurs against my head.
“It’s like two right turns away from here,” I say, like he doesn’t know where the house I’ve lived in for most of my life is.
“Well, most accidents happen close to home.”
“Alright, I’ll be careful,” I say, trying not to laugh. He’s cute when he’s in Dad Mode.
I walk around his truck and get into the driver’s seat of my car. I turn the car on, but I don’t leave yet. I wait for Beck to go first and then look over at Macy.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, knowing I’m upset without me even having to say anything.
“What’s there to talk about? We keep going in this stupid circle of I want you but I can’t have you. It’s so frustrating.”
“Listen, babe. I know it’s tough. Especially when you have to see him every day. But you have like thirty more days here, and then we’ll be traipsing through the streets of Italy having the time of our lives. I’m sure there will be some Italian men who would love to make sure your needs are met.”
“Oh my god, Mace.” I laugh.
“I’m just saying. If you and Beck can’t agree on a temporary situationship type of thing, then maybe it’s best you leave it alone for now. It’ll be easier to leave in August if you don’t have actual feelings for the guy.”
My silence says everything she needs to know.
“Oh no, Willow. Do you already have feelings for him?” she asks.
“No,” I say quickly. “Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s just, I’ve known him almost my whole life. I know what kind of man he is, and seeing him again after so many years brought back my teenage crush and then some. He’s just… the perfect man.”
“Ok, well, first things first. No man is perfect.” This makes me laugh. “But really, the timing isn’t right. You still have a year left of school, and then who knows what’s going to happen after that. Beck is here in Blue Haven. He’s settled with a kid for god’s sake.”
“Yeah, but I love his kid.”
She sighs. “I know you do. But can you honestly say that you’re ready to jump into potential stepmom territory? Because that’s what it’ll be with someone Beck’s age who has a kid.”
My shoulders slump. She’s right. I know she’s right, which makes this all feel so much worse. I wipe the tears from my cheeks. I have no idea when I started crying, but I think I needed to get it out. It’s like I’m mourning a relationship that never happened.
“No, you’re right, Mace.”
“This is one time I hate to be right. I hope you know that. And who knows? Maybe in a few years, after you’ve graduated and figured out what it is you really want, the two of you might find each other again.”
I nod, agreeing with a quiet, “Yeah.”
Ready to end this conversation, I wipe my face again before buckling my seat belt. I reverse out of my spot without looking at Macy. I know she’s watching me. I know she cares about me. But it’s all too much right now.
Who knew that a summer at home to earn some extra money would lead to heartbreak instead?