16. Beck
Beck
The first few days after the festival were awkward to say the least. Willow didn’t say much to me, which hurt more than I care to admit. I understand why she needs to distance herself. It’s the smart thing to do after all.
But now it’s started to wear on me. I miss her smile in the morning. I miss her hanging out a little after I get home to talk about our days. And I especially hate seeing Jade’s smile fall every time Willow runs out of the house as soon as I get home.
So, today I decided to fix it. Avoiding eye contact with me this morning was the last straw. I have to do something. Just because we can’t be together in the way we both want doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.
When I get home from work, I walk inside with my head held high, ready to confront her. Willow sees me and immediately drops the doll she was holding while playing with Jade. She starts to stand up to say bye, but I stop her.
“Hey, would you like to stay for dinner tonight?” I ask.
“I—” She starts to reject me, I see it in her face, but as I’d hoped, Jade interrupts her.
“Yes. Willow. Please stay!”
See, I know Willow can’t say no to Jade. My daughter has Willow wrapped around her finger. She looks from Jade to me, and I see her resolve float away. “Sure. That sounds great.”
I nod. “Great. I’ll get started on dinner.” It’s nothing fancy. I’d planned to grill cheeseburgers, but I also know that Willow happens to love cheeseburgers, so it actually works out well.
I go wash up and change before I head to the kitchen. Once I’m in there, Willow walks in.
“Why are you doing this?” she whispers.
“What do you mean? I thought you’d be hungry.”
“You know what I mean, Beck. I’m trying to keep my distance. Why do you keep pulling me back in?” she asks.
I turn to her. “I’m not trying to make this harder on you. I guess I was just hoping we could still be friends.”
“You’ve made it very clear that you’re Sawyer’s friend, not mine.”
“That’s not true. Of course, Sawyer and I have more of a history together, but I’ve known you forever. I’d consider us friends, too. Wouldn’t you?”
She hesitates before finally nodding. “I guess I can be your friend.”
“Come on, we can both be adults about this, can’t we? Just because we have an attraction to one another doesn’t mean we have to act on it.”
I hate the words coming out of my mouth. It’s so much more than an attraction. But if I want to spend any time with Willow while I can, I need to say this. I don’t want to just be her friend, but I have to.
She sighs. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess I can do that.”
“Good. Now go relax while I work on dinner.”
“Do you need help with anything?” she offers.
“Nope. Just go hang out with Jade. These burgers shouldn’t take long.”
She nods and gives one last look before leaving me alone in the kitchen. Once she’s gone, I exhale. That went better than I’d hoped. Hell, she even looked me in the eyes again. We’re getting somewhere.
I head out back and fire up the grill. Once I get the burgers going, the girls join me outside.
They must’ve followed the smell. They kick a soccer ball around while I focus on the grill.
I love this piece of land that Brooks let me have.
I pay him for it, but it’s certainly not what it’s worth.
At the time we made our agreement, I was a single dad and needed all the help I could get.
I’ve tried to revisit my payments with him, but he won’t hear of it.
The backyard of this house is completely open to the ranch. There’s no fence so I can see for miles. It’s so peaceful on nights like tonight when I’m out here and just need to clear my head. My problems always seem so small when the world looks this big and beautiful.
The burgers cook quickly, and then I’m calling the girls to the table to eat. I figure we’ll eat outside since it’s such a nice night. Willow helps me grab chips and burger toppings from the kitchen before we all sit down.
“This smells amazing,” Willow says, eyeing the burgers
Jade sits next to her. “I’m so hungry!”
I hand out their burgers before I make my own.
The girls tell me about their day. They went to the library this morning. Jade has been working really hard on reading. She’s right on target for her grade level, but my girl wants to be the best.
Jade gets halfway through a story about some old lady she saw in town when my phone rings. Her eyes light up. “Is it Mommy?”
I look down at the screen. “Yep.”
Jade grabs my phone and answers the video call from Gemma before she runs away from the table. Gemma has called every single night since she’s been gone. I know she misses Jade and vice versa. Jade is having a great summer, but no one could ever replace her mom.
“How is Gemma doing?” Willow asks.
“She’s good. Haven’t talked to her much, but I think she’s a little homesick for Blue Haven and she misses Jade a lot.”
“I can imagine. I know I’m gonna miss Jade when I leave, and she’s not even my daughter,” she says, looking toward where Jade is now sitting in the grass talking to Gemma.
It’s always in the back of my mind that Willow will be leaving. I think it’s only three and a half weeks now until she’s gone. The reminder makes my stomach twist. I’m going to miss seeing her every day.
“Jade is going to miss you, too. So will I,” I say.
Willow turns and gives me a sad smile before she focuses back on her food. “Are you ever sad that things didn’t work out with Gemma?”
“No, not really. I mean, I don’t like that Jade has what’s considered a broken family, but Gemma and I are great co-parents. But we weren’t great partners, so if we stayed together, it wouldn’t have been good for any of us. I’m glad that she’s found someone she’s happy with.”
“You’re a good man, Beck Sullivan.”
I chuckle. “I’m glad you think so.”
Jade runs back to the table. “Willow, Mommy wants to talk to you.” Jade shoves my phone in her direction, and Willow looks at me with wide eyes before taking the phone.
“Hey, Gemma.”
“Willow! It’s so good to see you,” Gemma says. “How have you been? How’s school?”
“I’m good. School is great. I’ve got one more year before I graduate.”
“That’s so exciting. Sawyer always talks about how proud he is of you,” Gemma says.
“Sawyer is the best brother I could ask for.”
“I just wanted to thank you for watching Jade this summer. She’s been having so much fun with you. She tells me all about your adventures every night. I’m sure Beck has said this already, but we’re so grateful for you.”
Willow’s eyes flick up to me before she focuses back on Gemma. I don’t know if I’ve directly said how grateful I am, but surely she knows, right? Or maybe I’ve only shown my gratitude by playing with her feelings over and over again like an asshole.
“It’s no problem,” Willow says. “I enjoy playing with Jade every day.”
“She’s the best, isn’t she?” Gemma asks.
“She sure is.” Jade giggles next to Willow.
“Well, I just wanted to say thank you and see how you’ve been. Don’t be a stranger once you graduate. I’m sure we’d all love to see more of you.”
“Thanks. I’m sure I’ll be back at some point,” Willow says.
“Good! Do you mind passing the phone to Beck?”
“Sure. Have a good night.”
Willow hands me the phone, and I stand and head inside to talk to Gemma.
“Hey, Gem. How’s it going?”
“Good. But I’m ready to be home,” she says with a sigh.
“I bet.”
“Jade said she had a great day with Willow.”
“Yeah, we’ve got some new books to read at bedtime tonight.”
“Good. So. . . Willow? She doesn’t even look like how I remember. She’s grown up so much.”
I don’t mean to, but my eyes flick from the phone to the window where I have a clear view of Willow out back. She’s laughing at something Jade said. God, I love when she laughs. Her whole face lights up. “Yeah, she has grown up.”
“Beck…”
“Hmm?” I look back at my phone.
“What was that look about?” Shit, she caught me staring at Willow.
“What look?” I ask, playing dumb.
“You know what look.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Gem.”
She laughs. “Beck, are you falling for the babysitter?”
“What? No. Don’t be insane.”
She doesn’t believe me. “She is very pretty,” Gemma says, like I don’t already know that. “But it wouldn’t be a good idea, Beck.”
I sigh, attempting to show her that there’s nothing to worry about. “Gem, it’s not like that, ok? Don’t worry about me.”
“I will always worry about you, Beck. You’re the father of my child and my friend. I don’t want you doing anything to get yourself in trouble or that would end up hurting you.”
“I appreciate your concern, but there’s nothing going on between me and Willow other than us being friends.”
“Alright, Beck. Whatever you say.”
“I’m gonna let you go because we’re in the middle of dinner,” I tell her.
“Right. Give Jadey a kiss for me.”
“I will.”
We hang up, and I take one more look out the window.
Gemma telling me to stay away from Willow makes me not want to.
It grates on my nerves that anyone feels like they have the right to tell me what I can and can’t do.
I know crossing any romantic line with Willow would cause trouble.
I’m not an idiot. But I also didn’t plan to feel this way about her.
It hit me out of nowhere and has turned my life upside down.
I look at her talking with Jade while they grab chips straight from the bag. I can tell she genuinely loves Jade, which is a huge deal to me. It’s ironic that the one woman who seems absolutely perfect for me is the one woman I can’t be with.
But I shake the thought from my head. I can’t keep rehashing this, or I’m going to go crazy.
She’s leaving soon, and I don’t even want a girlfriend.
I’ve had no desire for a partner since Gemma and I split.
It always seemed so complicated to add someone to my already complicated life.
But Willow has fit herself in perfectly.
I tear my gaze away from her and walk back outside. “Sorry about that,” I say, taking my seat.
“No problem. Everything ok?” Willow asks.
I look up at her and see her smiling at me. One look from her makes all my worries slip away. My shoulders instantly relax, and the tension in my forehead releases. My body is comfortable with her. Why does it have to be her?
“Everything’s great. How’s your burger?” I ask.
“So good. I could eat your burgers every day.”
“Me too!” Jade adds.
The three of us finish dinner, and I clean up while Willow gets Jade into the bath.
There’s lots of giggling coming from the bathroom by the time I finish in the kitchen and walk in.
I peek around the doorframe to see Willow gathering all of Jade’s soapy hair on top of her head and making it stand straight up. Jade thinks it’s hilarious.
“What are you two up to?” I ask, coming around the corner.
“Daddy! Do you like my new hairdo?” Jade asks.
“It’s very… Cindy Lou Who.”
“Are you the Grinch then?” Willow asks, making Jade laugh again.
After they finish in the bath, I get Jade’s pajamas out for her and brush the tangles out of her hair.
Willow watches me brush Jade’s hair with a soft smile.
I can tell she’s getting tired. I can’t blame her after spending all day chasing my kid around.
But she hasn’t said she needs to go, and I’m not ready for her to leave yet.
The three of us head into Jade’s room, where she picks out a book for me to read. Willow starts to say goodnight to Jade, who stops her. “No! Sit next to me while Daddy reads.”
Willow looks to me for permission, which I readily give, and we sit on either side of Jade while I read the story.
By the time I’m done, both girls have heavy eyes.
It feels very domestic for Willow to be sitting in bed with my daughter and me.
I thought it would be weird to have another woman in Jade’s life, but I think that maybe I thought it would be weird because I wasn’t picturing the right woman intertwined with us. Willow has changed that.
I kiss Jade’s head and tuck her in gently before Willow and I head back to the living room.
“Do you want to stay? We could watch a movie or something,” I ask.
She smiles but shakes her head. “I should go. I’m pretty tired.”
“Are you sure?” I sound desperate, because maybe I am a little desperate to spend more time with her.
“Yeah, but thank you for dinner. I had fun,” she says.
“Good. I’m glad.” I open my arms for a hug, and to my delight, she walks right in, wrapping her arms around me. I keep her pressed against me longer than I probably should, but it feels so right having her close to me.
She finally pulls away, forcing me to let her go. We stand there, face to face, eye to eye, neither of us knowing what to do. All my brain can think is:
Kiss her.
Kiss her.
Kiss her.
I lean toward her.
“Willow—”
She shakes her head. “Don’t, Beck. We’re friends, remember?”
“Yeah, but—”
“This is what you wanted. Please don’t make this any harder on me,” she says.
She’s right. Of course she is. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’m gonna go. I’ll see you in the morning?”
“I’ll be here,” I say like an idiot, because where the hell else would I be?
She nods and turns, grabbing her bag and walking out the door.
Not for the first time, I stand by the door and watch her leave, contemplating all my life choices.
But tonight a new question pops up: Just how mad would Sawyer truly be?
Surely he would want his best friend and his sister to be happy, right?
And he knows I would never do anything to hurt Willow.
As I shut my front door, the spark of possibility glimmers in my brain, and I know it’s dangerous. Very, very dangerous.