24. Beck
Beck
AUGUST
It’s been two weeks since Willow left in the middle of the night without a goodbye.
Although I guess we said goodbye the best way we could.
But when I woke up in the morning and she was gone, I felt empty.
And I didn’t even get a chance to really process it because I immediately heard Jade’s door open.
Being a parent is hard on its own, but it’s even harder when you’re going through something and you have to pretend like you’re not so that your child won’t know.
That morning, I had to hold Jade while she cried over Willow’s note, where she talked about how much fun she had over the summer and how much she would miss Jade.
My note said:
Beck,
You’re a good man. The best, really. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for the best summer. I know I’ll see you again.
Love,
Willow
Did I lock in a little too much on the word ‘love?’ Yeah, I did. Was she saying it because that’s how she ends letters to friends, or did she say it because…?
I guess I’ll never know. All I know is how I feel.
And love? It doesn’t feel strong enough for what I’ve been feeling over the last few weeks.
I’m sad. I’m lonely. Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe when I get home and no one’s there.
I look at my phone way too often, hoping for a text or anything from Willow, but it hardly ever comes.
All I’ve gotten so far was a text letting me know she made it to Italy and then a picture of her hand holding a cup of gelato that she wanted me to show Jade.
Other than that, there’s been nothing. Silence. And that feels like the hardest part. I miss talking to her. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. Or a partner. Which is ridiculous. I didn’t even feel this way when Gemma and I ended things, and we were together for years and share a child.
But Willow comes home for two and a half months, flips my world upside down, and then leaves, and I feel like a lovesick puppy. It doesn’t make sense and yet… here I am. Moping around the stables, going through the movements, trying to keep my life together for my daughter and me.
“Beck!” I hear Brooks’s voice echo through the stables.
I pop my head up in the stall I’m in. “Yeah.”
Brooks sees me and walks over. “Hey. Did Harper tell you about the little get-together this weekend?”
“Ah, yeah.” I scratch the back of my head.
Harper did tell me about the engagement party she’s throwing Brooks and Aspen this weekend.
I’ve pushed it out of my mind because the thought of being around two people so in love and happy makes me feel even more miserable.
“Sorry, I forgot to RSVP. But you know I’ll be there. ”
I’d never miss an event for my friends. Even if it hurts to go. “That’s what I told Harper, but she wanted me to get an actual answer from you and see if you’ll be bringing a plus one.”
“No,” I say quickly. “Just me.”
He nods, slowly. “You doing ok? Haven’t seen much of you the last few weeks.”
“Yeah, I’m good. Just got a lot going on,” I lie.
“I know Willow’s gone.”
“Yep,” I say, focusing back on my work.
“If you need to talk—”
“I don’t,” I snap. “I appreciate you checking on me. I do. But I just can’t talk about it. Not yet.”
He nods and looks at me with pity in his eyes. The absolute last thing I want. But I know Brooks means well, so I try to reel in my anger. It’s not his fault I fell for the one woman I can’t have.
“I get it, Beck. If anyone understands what you’re going through, it’s me.”
I look over at him. “Aspen stayed, Brooks. Willow didn’t.”
I know Brooks understands wanting someone you can’t have.
He’s engaged to his son’s ex-girlfriend after all.
But Aspen stayed in Blue Haven. They’re building a life together.
Willow is gone. And, of course, I want her to live her dreams. I know how excited she was to study abroad.
And she’s going to be an amazing teacher one day.
But it still kills me that she left. The uncertainty of not knowing if she’ll actually come back is what hurts the worst.
Different scenarios run through my head.
What if she meets someone in Italy? What if she decides that Blue Haven isn’t where she wants to be?
What if she realizes that I have too much baggage?
I know she loves Jade, but it’s a big responsibility to step into a child’s life.
Maybe she’s not ready for that. I wouldn’t blame her at all.
“You’re right,” Brooks says, pulling me out of my spiraling thoughts. “I’m sorry, Beck. Just know that I’m here if you need to talk about it.”
I exhale in an attempt to calm myself down. “I know. I appreciate it. I’m just not ready.”
He nods. “Listen, you don’t have to come to the party.”
“Nah, it’ll be good to get out of my house, and I want to be there for you and Aspen.”
“Well, if you change your mind, just know I won’t be mad. Harper might, but I won’t,” he says with a laugh.
“Yeah, I should probably text her back.” She’s texted me several times this week, but every time I saw it wasn’t Willow’s name on my phone, I ignored it.
“Yeah, probably,” Brooks agrees. “Or she’ll find you, and that’ll be worse.”
“Yeah…”
“Alright, man, I’ll leave you to it. But seriously, if you need anything, you know where to find me.”
I nod and get back to work as he walks off.
I’m lucky to have such great friends. Unfortunately, I’ve betrayed one of my best friends, and he doesn’t even know it.
I’ve been so stuck in my head about Willow that Sawyer has barely crossed my mind.
I know he’d be pissed if he found out that I slept with her.
But at this point, I’m so far gone for her that I don’t even care.
Which makes me feel even shittier than I did before.
I sigh and use my shovel to lift the actual shit from the stall and into the wheelbarrow and wonder how much worse my life can get before I get a fucking break.
If I thought getting out of the house would help me get out of my funk, I was wrong. The engagement party is even worse than I thought it would be. I’m surrounded by happy couples and flowers and hearts and… love. It’s terrible. And all it does is make me think of Willow.
“Look at us,” Harper slides up next to me at the bar. “The last two single people in all of Blue Haven.”
I huff a laugh. “Yeah.”
“Here.” She hands me a shot glass full of clear liquid. “Cheers to us.”
I clink my glass with hers and then down the liquid. It burns but feels good. Anything has to feel better than this stupid heartbreak.
“Where’ve you been?” Harper asks me. I feel like I’ve barely seen her all summer. Although she does spend most of her time in the lodge or guest houses. With as busy as we’ve been, it makes sense that our paths haven’t crossed much this summer.
I shrug. “Around. Been busy.”
“Jade back in school?” she asks.
“Yep, and Gemma’s back.”
“I’m sure Jade was happy to have her mom back.”
I nod. She was happy to see Gemma again. I’m glad she came home when she did because it softened the blow from Willow leaving. My heartbreak is one thing, but Jade’s… nah, I can’t handle that.
“You think you’ll ever get married, Harp?” I ask suddenly, watching from across the room as Brooks puts his hand on Aspen’s stomach.
“Hell, I don’t know. I thought I would, but I think I’m doing alright on my own.” She looks at me. “Why?”
“Just wondering. Never seen you with a boyfriend.”
She laughs. “That’s because I know you two will give me hell for any man I bring around.
But honestly, no one’s met my criteria. It’s fun for awhile but then it fizzles out.
If I get married, I want passion. I want someone who wants me more than anything else.
Like Brooks is with Aspen. That man knows how to love her. ”
“Yeah.”
“What about you? You thinkin’ about getting married?” she asks.
I shrug. The thought might’ve crossed my mind more recently than it used to, but for now, I think I’d take just being in the same country as the woman I can’t stop thinking about. “I don’t know.”
She bumps her shoulder into mine. “You know you’ve actually got to talk to a woman to make that happen, right?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, I know.”
“And that requires leaving the ranch every now and then,” she teases.
“Shut up.”
“Alright, alright. But for real, Beck. You deserve to be happy. If that means finding the woman of your dreams and getting married, great! And if that means living like a hermit in your house with Jade, that’s cool, too. I’m always here if you need to talk.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to lay out everything that happened between Willow and me.
I know she’d understand. Honestly, I’m surprised Brooks didn’t already tell her.
Those two hardly ever keep a secret from each other, but I’m grateful that he did.
I don’t think I’m ready to talk about Willow to anyone.
And I definitely know I’m not ready to admit my feelings for her out loud.
“I appreciate you, Harper. You’re too good to us,” I tell her.
She chuckles. “Yeah, I know.”
She turns to the bartender and orders more shots. I almost tell her not to, but then I think, what the hell. I don’t have to worry about Jade tonight, and I’m not driving anywhere. Might as well try to have a little fun to momentarily get my mind off Willow and what she might be doing in Italy.
We clink our glasses together again and throw the shots back.
Hours later, someone deposits me on my couch. It’s probably Brooks, but I’m too tired and too drunk to really think about it. He sets out water and makes me swallow some ibuprofen. Then he puts the trash can from the bathroom beside the couch in front of me in case I get sick.
I hear the front door close and think about falling asleep but dig my phone out of my pocket instead.
I blearily scroll through all the pictures I took of Willow this summer. Seeing her smiling face eases something in my chest. I hope she’s having fun in Italy, but I also hope she’s thinking of me.
I pull up my texts. I’ve tried to give her space. I want her to live her life. But I also want her to know that I’m thinking about her. Every fucking second of the day, unfortunately.
Me: I miss you
I wait to see if those stupid little dots pop up. I stare at it for so long until I can’t keep my eyes open for a second longer. Then I drift off to sleep, not knowing if she misses me too.