26. Beck
Beck
OCTOBER
Roadside is loud tonight, but I’m not surprised. It’s a Saturday night in early October. The outdoor summer activities are all coming to a close in Blue Haven, but people are still itching for their social interaction. So, Roadside it is.
It wouldn’t be my ideal night. I’ve spent most of my nights lately moping around my house. But Sawyer asked me to come, and Jade is with her mom this weekend, so I don’t have a good excuse.
I got to talk to Willow a little while before I left the house.
We talk every day since that first phone call back in August. Some calls are shorter than others.
Like tonight. She was going out with Macy and some other classmates, so she didn’t have much time.
But most nights, we stay on the phone for hours.
We talk about nothing and everything. Sometimes, I’ll stay on the phone while she does her homework. Or, she FaceTimes while Jade and I make dinner. It just depends. But no matter what it is, it makes me feel even closer to her. At this point, I think she knows more about me than Sawyer or Brooks.
While I love talking to her every day, I can’t wait to see her again. Although I try not to say that too often because I want her to enjoy her semester and not count down the days until she’s back like I am.
Tonight, I wish I could’ve stayed on the phone with her longer, but Sawyer was on his way to get me.
Sawyer and I have hung out a few times since Willow left, and each time feels more and more awkward for me.
I hate hiding things from him, but I also don’t want to lose him.
I can tell he thinks something is up with me, he just doesn’t know what it is.
He’s checking in with me more during the week, asking if I’m ok.
And now, he’s dragging me out to drink when he knows I don’t really want to.
“How’s Jade?” Sawyer asks once we’re sitting down with our beers.
Jade is a safe topic. I could talk about her all night.
Sawyer was smart to start our conversation with her.
And I think he genuinely wants to know how she’s doing.
“She’s great. Really loving school this year.
They get points for the amount of books they read from the library.
She’s racking those up, man. I’m so proud of her. ”
“Of course she is. She’s the smartest kid I know.”
I laugh. “Do you know a lot of kids?”
“No, she’s the only one, so I can say that with confidence.”
“Alright then.”
“I talked to Willow this week,” he says. I shift a little in my seat and try to keep my face calm. “She’s having a blast in Italy. I still can’t believe she didn’t tell me about it until the last minute.”
“I know,” I say, agreeing with him even though I understand completely why she did what she did.
“She said she went on a cheese tour,” he adds.
I already know about the cheese tour. Saw pictures too. She went last Saturday with Macy. Her favorite was the Asiago. But Sawyer can’t know that I know. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, she’s been busy though. Sounds like she’s learning a lot.”
“That’s great.”
“Yeah, it is.” He follows this up by telling me about the job he was working on all week before he stops and takes a swig of his beer.
His eyes meet mine, and it looks like he’s nervous about something.
Like he wants to ask me something. My heart starts racing, wondering if Willow mentioned something to him when they talked this week.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing, it’s just… I guess I wanted to ask something.”
“Well, spit it out then,” I say.
He blows out a breath. “You’ve seemed a little… not yourself recently. I was just wondering if maybe you need to get yourself back in the dating world again.”
I roll my eyes. “Not this again.” I swear he’s had this talk with me every year since Gemma and I split.
“I’m serious, Beck. You’re a relationship guy. You like commitment and yet you haven’t even tried to find a girlfriend since your breakup like six years ago.”
I decide to give him my usual excuse, which has been the truth up until recently. “Sawyer, I’m fine. I’m focusing on Jade right now.”
“Don’t you think Jade might like for you to have someone like her mom has someone?”
Yeah, she would because she flat-out told me that. But there’s also a specific someone she wants me with.
“My daughter doesn’t get a say in my dating life.”
He sighs. “Well, if you don’t want a girlfriend, what about a hookup buddy? I mean, when was the last time you got laid?”
A few months ago. With your sister. The absolute best night of my life, and no other woman would ever compare to her, but fuck, I can’t say that. “I’m taken care of, don’t worry about that.”
“Your hand doesn’t count, Beck,” he says with a laugh. “Come on. It might be fun. There’s tons of single women here tonight.”
“Sawyer, really—”
“I’m not taking no for an answer,” he says.
“You have to.”
“Give me one good reason,” he demands.
“Because I think I’m in love,” I say, louder than I intended. I didn’t mean to say it at all, but he kept pushing and pushing. Now I’m going to have to explain myself, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
“What? Why haven’t you mentioned that?” he asks. And it’s a logical question. Why wouldn’t I mention to my best friend that I was falling in love? Except for the fact that he’s going to be pissed when he finds out who it is I’ve fallen in love with.
“I wasn’t ready to tell anyone, I guess.”
He smiles like he understands, but really, he has no idea. “That’s awesome, man. I’m happy for you. Who’s the lucky lady?”
I swallow down the lump sitting in my throat as I try to think of a way out of this. “I’m not ready to say.”
“Oh, come on. I’m your best friend.”
“Yeah, but…”
“I’m not letting you leave this bar until you tell me.” He’s smiling, thinking this is going to be happy information, but I don’t think he’s going to be happy at all once I admit it.
I take a swig of my beer and curse that it’s almost empty. I could use a little more liquid courage for this conversation.
“It’s Willow. I’m in love with Willow,” I blurt.
The music doesn’t stop, but it feels like we’re transported into a tunnel. My ears go silent as I watch his face drop when he realizes what I just said.
“Willow… as in my sister Willow?” he asks finally.
I nod because nothing I can say will fix this.
I can already tell by the look on his face that this is not going to end well for me.
But my thoughts immediately go to Willow.
We haven’t talked about this at all. We don’t know if whatever we are will continue once she’s back.
Of course we hadn’t discussed talking to Sawyer because there is technically nothing to discuss right now.
“You what?” he asks. He narrows his eyes at me.
“Sawyer, I—” He doesn’t let me finish.
“Let me get this straight. My best friend is telling me he’s in love with my twenty-two-year-old sister? Is that what you’re saying right now?”
I sigh. “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”
He stands suddenly and pushes away from the table. “Are you kidding me? I trusted you with her!”
Several people glance in our direction. I stand and calmly suggest, “Maybe we should take this conversation outside.”
“Yeah, let’s fucking take this outside.”
He stomps toward the door, and I follow after him. I feel all the eyes on us, but I try to ignore them. They’re not what matters right now. We’re barely out the front door when he turns on me.
“Explain yourself,” he demands.
Shit. I don’t even know where to start. “I don’t really know what to say, man. We spent a lot of time together this summer.”
“Yeah, you did. I thought it was strange that she spent so much time at your house when you weren’t working, but I also thought you thought of her as your little sister. But I guess I was fucking wrong.”
“I used to. She was like a sister to me. But I haven’t seen her in years, and when she came back this summer, she was different, Sawyer. She’s an adult. And I know it’s weird. Trust me, I had a hard time coming to terms with my feelings for her, but I can’t ignore them.”
“No, it’s more than weird, Beck. It’s fucking wrong. She’s a child—”
“She’s not a child,” I say quickly. “I know she’s your little sister, but she’s an adult.”
“It doesn’t fucking matter!”
I can tell he’s frustrated, so I say the only thing I can think to say to attempt to calm him down.
“Sawyer, I have feelings for Willow, and I’m pretty sure she has feelings for me too, but it’s important to note that she’s not here.
We’re not together or anything. She’s in Italy having the time of her life, which is exactly where she needs to be. ”
“Yeah, you better not fuck this up for her,” he says.
“I would never do that. I want her to be there. I want her to finish school and find a job wherever she feels is best. I would never want to hold her back or influence her decisions. I’ve told her that I want her to do what’s best for her.
But you were in there trying to get me to hook up with someone, and I can’t do that when my mind and my heart are with Willow. ”
He reaches his hands into his hair and tugs on the ends. “Shit, this is so messed up. I trusted you.”
“You can still trust me, Sawyer. I would never hurt Willow.”
He drops his hands and stares at me. “I’m not sure I can trust you at all anymore.”
“Sawyer—”
“No. I need to go. I can’t talk to you right now.”
He doesn’t let me say anything else before he leaves me standing in front of Roadside.
I let him go. I understand that he needs to be away from me right now so he can process this information on his own.
I pull my phone out and call Brooks for a ride. Beck picked me up, so now I’m stranded.
It takes Brooks fifteen minutes to pull up in front of the bar. I climb in, but he doesn’t say a word until I break the silence.
“Sawyer knows about me and Willow,” I say.
Brooks sucks in a breath. “How’d that happen?”
“I told him. He kept trying to get me to hook up with someone, and I just couldn’t.”
“I’m guessing he didn’t take it well?” he asks.
“No, he did not.”
“I’m sorry, man. He’ll come around eventually. Just give him time.”
I nod, but I’m not sure if I believe that. Not after the look I saw on Sawyer’s face.
I need to let Willow know what happened. The last thing I want is for Sawyer to take his frustration out on her. Especially if she doesn’t know where any of it is coming from.
I pull out my phone and click on our text thread.
Beck: Hey baby. I hope you had a good night with your friends. I need to talk to you about something so please call me when you see this. Doesn’t matter what time.
Part of me hopes she’s still awake so we can talk this out together, but looking at the clock, I know I won’t hear from her for awhile.
Brooks pulls up to my house. I quickly thank him for coming out this late to get me.
“No problem, man. I’m here if you need anything, alright? Keep your head up.”
“Thanks, Brooks.”
I know I have a lot of friends. There are plenty of people in my corner.
But Sawyer feels like family, and knowing that I’ve hurt him really fucking sucks.
Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Maybe I should’ve flirted a little bit with a random woman just to get him off my case for a bit.
But it didn’t feel right. Even if this goes nowhere with Willow, it’s not fair to any other woman for me to lead them on for nothing.
How did I go from having a simple life, just me and Jade, to falling in love with a woman I shouldn’t want and losing my best friend forever? I never would’ve expected this a few months ago, and now for the first time in a long time, I don’t know what the hell to do.