Chapter 14 Walk With Guilt
FOURTEEN
WALK WITH GUILT
CINDY
I followed Ryan upstairs to his living space. Rose's books, dolls, and toys were scattered everywhere. Remains of food and sippy cups were on the kitchen counter. And his dining room he’d turned into his bedroom with a queen bed and nightstand, leaving the bedroom for Rose.
He laid her down in her crib, and quietly backed out of her room, successful at closing the bedroom door. After a sigh of relief, he brought me into his arms.
“Now, for a proper greeting.” His full lips claimed mine, the way he’d been kissing me since our first night together on the hill at the farm. Every single one taking my breath away like a million first kisses.
“You sure you’ll be okay? I’ll probably be gone for a few hours.
I just gave her some medicine a little while ago, so chances are she might sleep the entire time.
But if she wakes up, give her a little juice in a sip cup and maybe if she’s hungry, try some Mac and cheese.
You sure you’ll be okay?” He repeated the question.
“Yes, go, go. I’ll manage. I helped raise Gabby and Daphne after all, and they’re still alive, so I can do this.” After a few more kisses, I waved at him through the window as he left.
The first thing I tackled were the dishes and things on the counter. Although most of our time together we spent at my house, from the few occasions we’d been here, I could tell Ryan wasn’t a neat freak.
As a busy father, the demands on his time were often too much. And here came those guilt pangs again, because time with me was time he could spend doing something else.
Rose crying out stopped me. “Dada!”
I fumbled for the towel and dried off my hands. “Rose, I’m here.”
“Dee Dee,” she cried, using the name she called me, and reached her arms for me as soon as she saw me. I lifted her body out of the crib and she formed to me, clinging, laying her head on my shoulder.
If this wasn’t the closest thing I’d come to the feeling of motherhood . . . I kissed her precious head.
With the back of my hand, I felt her forehead, and while not the best judge of exact temperature, I could tell she was clammy as if the fever was breaking up. “Aw sweet baby. Are you thirsty?”
Ryan was right. For the next hour, she never once left my arms. Her baby powder smell and the scent of strawberry bubble bath from her hair reminded me of my little sisters. That ticking clock struck a nerve deep in my belly.
James had already had a family, and being older than I was, the last thing he wanted was another baby. Along with convincing me he’d leave his wife, he told me that to rise in my career, I’d need to lay aside any plans for children. I believed him. The fucker.
Now, it seemed, a family was something I longed for after all.
I sat on the couch with Rose, sang to her, and watched as she played with a doll on my lap. “Aw baby,” she said and hugged it tight as if mimicking like her doll was sick and she was caring for it.
She was smiling and giggling and even hugging me so much. A ray of hope filled my heart how things could work out between us.
Suddenly I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, surprised if it was Ryan back so soon. But the door to the apartment flew open, scaring me half to death to see Trudy.
“What the hell are you doing here? Where’s Ryan?” She demanded to know and lurched forward, snatching Rose from my arms.
“He had to take the tow truck out to a big accident. He thought you were a way for a few days, so I’m just help—”
“He left me a message earlier that she was sick. What kind of mother do you think I am? Of course I cut my trip short and came back here. When she’s sick, she needs her mother.”
Rose started crying immediately. “Come on baby, I’ll take you home.”
Her cries tore at my heart. “Trudy, I’ll go, you can stay. No sense in disturbing her while she’s not feeling well.”
“Don’t tell me what’s best for my child.”
“I wasn’t.” And for whatever reason, tears formed in the corner of my eyes. “Look, if I’m going to stay, you’re going to have to get used to me being around.”
“If?” She did an about face at the door and laying eyes on me full of venom. “My God, Cindy, do you even understand how much you’ve gotten Ryan’s hope up? And you’re saying if? When you broke his heart after high school, it was me who helped him put the pieces back together.”
“I’m sorry you feel threatened by me, but—”
“No. If you’re going to leave again, I can’t be there for him this time. I can’t keep on coming in second place to you. I’ve spent too many years doing that.” Tears fell down her cheeks, as did mine.
“No, you’re right. You deserve happiness, Trudy. We all do.”
“Then do not play the If Game with Ryan’s heart, please.”
“Baby . . .” Rose shimmied down her mother’s body to the floor and waddled over to her baby doll.
“Thanks for taking care of her, but I’ll take her home now. Come on, Rose,” she took her daughter’s hand and moved toward the door.
Rose escaped her grasp and ran to me, holding out her arms, with her doll still held in one hand. “Dee Dee Bye Bye.”
I was just as shocked as Trudy. “Bye rosebud.” I knelt and hugged her tight.
“Aw baby.” She pat my back as if consoling me. More tears threatened to fall from my eyes as the breakthrough I so desperately needed with Rose played out in front of her mother.
“Go on now, sweetie, to your mama,” my voice wobbled.
Trudy’s eyes threw fire at me again. “You know what? Forget Ryan. Don’t you fucking dare play with my baby’s heart. You either stay now or go forever, but make up your damn mind.”
As soon as the door slammed behind them, I fell to the floor, a complete mess. This time, the full blow of guilt hit me.
As soon as I could, I got myself together and left, but not before leaving a note for Ryan when he returned.