14. Jason
Iwould have paid all of my money to see Abigail riding me. I bet it was one of the sexiest things that I would ever see, and I was sad that I wasn’t able to watch her. I knew that it would have been something to see, and I wished that I had.
The sounds that came out of her sent me over the edge much sooner than I would have liked. There was just something about the moment that frustrated me and turned me on to no end. It was like I just had to open my eyes. I had never wanted to so badly before in all of my life. The worse part was that I couldn’t. No matter how badly I wanted to see her, I would never be able to will it so. As a man that had done basically anything I’d ever wanted to do, pushing myself to make it happen, I didn’t like something that I couldn’t handle. No matter what, I was blind and as I finished, that thought riddled my head.
She kissed me and moved off, laying down beside me to catch her breath. I didn’t know what I’d liked better, but I was relaxed in body, even if my mind was going a mile a minute. It wasn’t helpful that I wanted more. I needed a minute. She was there, watching me, and I wanted a minute to myself. Why was it so much more intrusive feeling when I couldn’t confirm my suspicions?
I went to the bathroom and threw water over my face. I went from one extreme to the next, and at the moment, it wasn’t a good feeling coursing through me. It was the realization, again, that I couldn’t do whatever I wanted. I liked to believe that it was the case, but it really wasn’t. The more I tried to figure out what was happening between me and Abigail, the more of my own shit that came to the surface. She made me feel again, something that I hadn’t done since the accident, and now I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to put the two of me together. If I felt for Abigail, then I had to feel for the dead friends and all the other losses that I’d had to endure. Losing my sight felt like the worst one at the moment. How could I love a woman and never be able to see what she looked like? It felt like a cruel joke more than anything else.
When I came out, I felt better, but I’d made a decision that I didn’t think I would ever make. Right after it had happened, there was talk from doctors of a miracle surgery that they wanted to try on me. I was in a bad place and didn’t want to try to get better then, so I refused them. Maybe it would be an offer that I could revisit. If there was a chance that I could see Abigail, I would be willing to take it.
Abigail asked me if I needed anything. She didn’t ask me if I was okay, but I knew that to be what she wanted to know. We should have been cuddling, I should have had her in my arms, but instead I had run off. Of course, she was feeling out of it. I had left her wondering and I apologized for leaving. I waved it off like it was just nature calling that took me from her. I think we both knew that it wasn’t the case, but she didn’t call me out on it, and I didn’t volunteer any information.
I laid down with her. At least when I was there in bed with her, I felt like normal. I could pretend that I was just there enjoying being with her, and I was laying there with my eyes closed. She didn’t need to know that I was seconds from losing it all. I wanted to see her, know who it was that I’d just made love to, but that wasn’t possible. I should have moved on, been happy with the perfect moment, following the awesome time that we’d had together. I tried my best not to worry about any of it, but it really was impossible.
Abigail moved over to lying on my chest, and it really did seem like a normal moment. I felt like it was right and before I could focus on it too much, Abigail shifted and asked me to give it to her finally.
“What?”
She sighed. “You know what.”
I made a sighing sound as well. I knew what she wanted. “You don’t have to know it,” I told her.
“No, but I have to know it if I want to know you.”
Those words played with my mind. Why? Why did I love the way that sounded so much? I was trying to find fault in any of it, but it really was impossible. Abigail was everything that I needed and more. She was the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t know if it was for a reason or not, but it felt like I was never going to be able to deal with how it all went. I tried to think of something to say that wasn’t the dumpster fire that was my life, but nothing came out. How could I sugar coat it?
“We were out on a supply run and went down the wrong neighborhood. We were ambushed and everyone was killed. There was a mine that we went over trying to escape… That’s what did this to my eyes and face. The flash burned them out.” I stopped because for a second I could feel the heat on my face and then the blackness that had taken over everything else. I was still there in my mind, every time I closed my eyes. “So, that’s the story. I lived, no one else with me did, and I am supposed to be grateful that I am alive. I am, most of the time, tonight especially, but I get pissed off when I want more. I want to see you, Abigail, and I know that I never will. That’s a lot for me. I want to change it, make it not so, but I have no idea how to do that. I don’t think that I can, and what a bummer that is.”
She giggled and let her fingers play with my chest and stomach. “Touch me and you will see me.” She took my hands and put them on her face. I tried to take what I felt with my fingertips and make it into something I could see in my mind. I didn’t know if that happened, but I knew that it didn’t have to. I was into her, no matter what. That was what I had come to terms with. I really liked Abigail, and I knew that she was beautiful. I just wished that I knew what kind.
We laid together for a while, Abigail falling asleep on my chest. My arm fell asleep five minutes into it, but there was no way in hell that I was getting up to alleviate it. Then, I wouldn’t be able to have that feeling wash over me that was now. I tried my best to figure out what was going on, where I was going to fix this, but I still had no clue. I wanted to be fixed though, I knew that. Before, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through what it would take to be fixed, but now I could see it happening. Abigail gave me the reason that I needed to try again.
Abigail was gonewhen I woke up and it was an ill feeling to have. When I realized the time, I knew that she was at work. She had left a message on my phone that was making a dinging sound that caught my attention right off. It wasn’t as good as rolling over and making love to her like I wanted to, but I still got to hear her voice minutes after I woke up. That almost made me feel better about all of it.
“Jason, I had a great night. Thank you for being the sweetest and most talented guy that I’ve ever met. Maybe we can do this again sometime soon? I would really like that…” Her voice trailed off and she mumbled something about having to get to work. I knew that was what she was doing, but I was still going to miss her. I couldn’t believe that I’d only been without her for a few minutes, but I already felt like I was dying inside without her. Abigail made it all worth living and that thought got me up and out of bed. I was going to make it work, I would get better, and then I would be the man that she needed. I knew that how I was right now wasn’t enough. It was scary how clear that was. I had to make the best of it.
I went about my morning like I always did, though I did listen to her message several times. It wasn’t enough that I had these great memories with her, I wanted the tactile feel that I got when I heard her voice. I could imagine that she was close by, and I really liked that the best.
After I went to the gym and got some of the energy out, I took a shower and walked the few blocks home. I noticed that I was taking less Ubers because of what happened. I didn’t want to be afraid, but I was trying my best not to be. I felt out of sorts, another reason to contact the doctor that had promised to help me see again. I had left a message and I didn’t know how that was going to go, but I hoped that it would be enough to get me a call back. I’d checked my phone multiple times to see if I had missed a call. I hadn’t, though I don’t even know what time it was there right now. I think there was a time difference.
When I got the call I was waiting for moments later, I took that as a sign. At least that was what I wanted it to be. I had all sorts of hopes when I took that call and talked to the doctor. Why was one night enough to make me change everything? I said I would never put my life in another person’s hands, but hadn’t I already done that?