Chapter 29 Don’t Leave Me
Don’t Leave Me
Leni
I wander to the kitchen, making myself a cup of tea for the night, when I see an envelope on the kitchen table, my name written in Clay’s handwriting.
An old familiar thrill rolls through my body, the excitement I used to feel when I’d get a letter from him, makes my chest squeeze.
I take the letter to the couch and open it, smiling at the heading.
Eleanor,
You know I’m shit with words by now. I don’t know why it’s so hard to tell you what I’m feeling in the moment.
I’m trying to get better at it, I swear, I am.
I’ve spent too many years trying not to think about you, trying not to want you.
Then you burst back into my life and turned everything upside down again.
I know I’ve said it before, but I need you to know, Leni, that there hasn’t been a day in the past ten years where I didn’t think about you.
Where I didn’t almost pick up my phone to call you, just to hear your voice.
God, I’ve fucking missed you. No one makes me feel the way that you do, and I know you think it’s simple.
That the choice is black and white, but it’s not for me.
I had nothing before your family took me in.
No one cared if I ate, if I went to school, if I made something out of myself.
Then Mercer came along and suddenly I had a family.
I had brothers and parents who cared about the smallest, most simple things.
I’ve been too scared to risk that. Scared that I’ll fuck everything up so bad that they’ll finally realize they made a mistake in taking me in.
But it wasn’t just them that I gained, it was you too. I found myself looking for you as soon as I walked in the front door. You were my favorite part of every day, no matter how shitty it was, I knew you’d make it better. I loved you the moment I met you.
It has always been you for me. I want you, Eleanor Rose Kane. With every fiber of my being. More than I’ve ever wanted anything else, I want you.
I’ll choose you, if you’ll let me. Because even with the risk of losing everything, I could never walk away from you.
Take whatever time you need, ask whatever questions you want to ask, because I’m not going anywhere.
Yours forever,
Clay
P.S. If you have to leave, I hope you know I’m coming with you. I wasted ten years without you. Wishing I could see you, hear your voice, kiss you. I won’t spend a single day without you again. So if you do have to go, that’s fine. Just don’t leave me behind.
I almost reach for my phone to call him.
To tell him that I love him too, because I really fucking do.
I have always loved him. I don’t know what my future looks like, but I know who I want to be in it.
No matter what happens with the interviews, I don’t want to give him up.
I know nothing other than the fact that I feel safe and loved and whole when he’s with me.
The way he believes in me, listens to me, and supports me.
The fact that he offered to move again, for me. To follow me means something.
It means everything, really.
I haven’t had that kind of support in ten years.
Maybe Pepper has a point, maybe I’m responsible for that.
I haven’t exactly given them a chance to be supportive recently.
Not that all of them would be, if anything, Brooks and Ethan have gotten more grouchy over the years, but I know my parents miss me.
My voicemail sits just shy of full every week.
I leave enough room for up to two new voicemails, but I hate deleting the ones from my dad.
He was the only one who supported me leaving, even if it was quietly.
The corners of my eyes sting from how much I’ve been crying.
I can hear Ma in the kitchen, banging around in the cupboards while the boys all watch me pack my Jeep.
Standing around in their Wranglers and cowboy hats, arms crossed over their chests, they watch me struggle with boxes and bags, none of them offering to help.
The two younger boys took off, Toby, as adverse to conflict as Pa is.
I’m about to get into the Jeep, watching as, one by one, each of my older brothers shakes their heads and walks away.
No goodbye, no good luck. Just mutual disappointment in their little sister.
My dad is at my side, pulling me into a giant bear hug, his big arms wrapping me up like they used to when I was little.
I let his hug swallow me whole, the last of my tears soaking into his shirt.
“You wipe your eyes now, Eleanor.” He pulls away enough that I can do just that, rubbing my already tired eyes on my hoodie sleeve. Then he tucks an envelope full of cash into my pocket and puts one big hand on the side of my face. “You will always have a place here, sweetheart. Always.”
I nod, chest heaving with a shaky breath, before I slip into the driver’s seat.
“She’ll come around, Leni. I won’t minimize what you’re feeling by trying to justify her words. But don’t give up on them, alright? We love you. All of us.”
“Love you too, Pa.” I strap my seatbelt across my chest and give him a nod. I never expected to do this next chapter alone, but at least I have Miya. At least I know my dad isn’t disappointed in me.
The memory of fighting with my mom always sets me on edge.
I’m her only daughter; we used to be inseparable.
We might be better now, might be talking, but it’s nothing like it used to be.
We probably could have used a few more joint therapy sessions, but I hated making her drive all the way to Benson to sit and cry in an office together.
We both had things we regret, but we can’t change that now.
Maybe moving back would start to heal some of those cracks. Some of the pieces that aren’t quite right yet. I’m agonizing over the implications when my phone rings. Mercer’s goofy smile lights up my screen.
“D, you will be the first one to know when I decide where I’m staying.”
He’s silent for a full minute, making me pull the phone from my face to see if he’s still on the line. When he speaks, his voice is low, angry, and I’m instantly on guard.
“Leni, I need you to tell me what happened ten years ago, and before you lie and say you were mugged. I need you to know that I’ll have the police report on Monday.”
“What?” I nearly choke, sitting up on the bed. I try to put my thoughts in order. “Why would you request the police report?”
“Because Clay told me you did, in fact, find him on that trip, and I got to thinking, what else could Leni lie to me about?”
“Clay told you what?” My head starts to spin, thoughts racing faster than I can sort through them. If Mercer had already requested the report, Clay would've had to have told him before now. Meaning he told him and didn’t tell me.
“I need to hear it from you, Leni, because if what Clay told me tonight is true, then I don’t even know you. I’m not sure I ever did.”
“He told you more?” I whisper, heart fissuring in my chest. He promised. He told me he respected my need to do things at my own speed. He said he was on my side.
“Leni,” Mercer breathes, some of the anger draining from his voice as he sighs. “Tell me what happened.”
“Why? You can read about it, can’t you?”
“I don’t want to fucking read about it. I want you to tell me what happened.”
“If you wanted that, you would have asked me first, Mercer. You wouldn’t have gone behind my back and used it as blackmail. How fucking dare you!”
I’m shaking, completely blindsided by this conversation.
He didn’t even bother to ask me, just went straight to the source.
Bile rises in my throat as panic sets in.
If he knows, everyone is…they’re all going to know, and I’m going to have to explain it.
I’m going to have to tell them what happened and relive every last detail.
My lungs start to riot, not enough air getting in. The walls feel like they’re collapsing. Like I’m running out of time, running out of choices.
“Leni, if we had known, if you would’ve just told us what happened back then—”
“You would have been even more crazy!” I’m shouting, pacing the bedroom. “God, imagine if you guys knew back then. You would have locked me in my room and thrown away the key. You guys didn’t care what I was going through, only that I made a mistake.”
“That’s not true. You scared the shit out of us. Do you know how terrifying it was to find out from Miya that you left? That you took off across the country and hadn’t checked in with her in days? All we cared about was finding you, about making sure you were okay.”
“And what did you do when you found me? None of you even questioned the story. All anyone cared about was making sure I knew I’d made a mistake. You never let me live it down. I know what I did was stupid, but you guys never saw more than that.”
“Leni.” Mercer’s voice softens, but I’m done with this conversation. Done with him. Done with all these men who think they know better than me.
“Don’t,” I whisper. My voice is thick with emotion, tears welling in my eyes.
I hang up the phone and move around the room, packing up what little I brought into the cabin.
I can’t be here. Not anymore. I was barely ready to tell them I’m home.
I can’t have this conversation with them either. I won’t.
Clay.
My heart feels like it’s being ripped into shreds.
Eviscerated as the idea of us starts to crumble.
I told him what I needed, and he promised.
I really believed that he wouldn’t tell them.
I really thought he would wait and let me decide.
But he’s just like them, taking away my choices.
My tears start to fall, and I’m overcome with the need to leave.
To put this place in my rearview and never come back.