Chapter 29 Don’t Leave Me #2
I try to get everything together and out to the Jeep before he gets back, but I don’t make it. His truck slides to a stop in front of the cabin as I’m standing on the porch.
“Leni,” Clay pleads, his strides eating up the distance between us. I hate myself, but I flinch, body jerking backwards when he reaches for me. The hurt in his eyes breaks my heart. “Baby,” he tries again, keeping his hands down at his sides.
“No.” I step towards the trees, shaking my head at him. “No, I told you what I needed. I told you, and you said you were on my side.”
“I am. I swear, I am on your side. Mercer—”
“God, you’re just like them.” I shake my head. “I can’t be with someone who makes all the decisions for me. I needed you to wait. I needed it to be my choice.”
“He was going to figure it out.”
“Why, Clay? Why did you have to say anything? Why couldn’t you leave things alone?” My voice comes out broken, desperate. I wanted this. I wanted him.
“He kept pushing me to call you, to work through the past and make things right with you, but he didn’t know all the pieces. He deserved to know that I’m the reason you got hurt. He deserved all the information.”
“No, you needed to absolve yourself of the guilt. You wanted him to know so that he’d finally see you the way that you see yourself. To give you one more reason to think you’re not good enough for me, another excuse to walk away like none of this mattered...like I never mattered.”
“That’s not true.” Clay’s head drops, hands stuffing into his jeans’ pockets. “Not anymore,” he whispers, cloudy grey eyes meet mine. “I want you, Leni. I’ve always wanted you.”
“That’s not enough,” I whisper, tears spilling out over my cheeks.
“Please don’t leave me.” His voice cracks, feet taking tentative steps in my direction. “I can make it right. I can fix this.”
“There’s nothing to fix.” I turn on my heel and march toward my Jeep, whipping around when I hear him step toward me. “Don’t follow me.” I take one last look at him, turning on my heel, I walk away from him. Again. Willing myself not to turn back.
When I get to my car, I text Miya to let her know I’m coming back and need a place to crash.
I don’t know why I thought things would be different this time around.
Things will never change for us. My family will never see me as more than a child who needs their protection, and Clay.
..Clay will never think we’re worth the risk.
My tears make it hard to see the road. An entire season of rain has suddenly erupted from the sky, not helping my case either.
We were heading into summer with a drought for the record books, and now it’s like Mother Nature is trying to catch up in one night.
I slow down, trying to dry my eyes enough so that I can see where I’m going.
Halfway back to Benson, I’m driving the freeway by pure memory.
It’s so damn hard to see. The highway is a ghost town.
It’s going to take forever to get to Miya’s at this rate, with how badly it’s pouring down.
I drive in silence; the radio in my Jeep hasn’t worked in years.
I turned my phone off, chucking it in the back seat when the notifications wouldn’t stop, everyone trying to reach me.
It was too much to explain and rehash while I’m trying to drive through a tsunami.
The rain finally lets up enough for me to drive at highway speeds.
My chest feels heavier the further away from the ranch I get.
I don’t know why I thought things would work this time.
They would have gotten worse, especially once they all knew everything.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they showed up in the next couple of days and tried to get me back home.
For the first time since leaving home at eighteen, I’m wondering if maybe Benson isn’t far enough away.
Maybe I need states between us. Maybe I need to completely start over.
The idea starts to take root, of driving on through Benson, not stopping until there is enough space between us.
I wouldn’t have to deal with overbearing, disappointed family members again.
It’s tempting, until grey eyes pop into my head, heat shining in them, as calloused hands map my body.
The feeling of rightness washes over me as I remember exactly what it feels like to be loved by Clay.
An all-consuming love that didn’t judge me when I told him everything. Love that was so big, he didn’t want to hide it. Love that I pushed to the sidelines, in favor of hiding my own secrets. I accused him of looking for excuses when I was doing the same thing all along.
I told him he wasn’t enough when all he ever asked of me was not to leave him.
Fresh tears fall from my eyes as I pull onto the shoulder. When I left the ranch for the first time, it felt freeing, like I was on the cusp of something great. This time, I feel like I’m losing part of myself, that I’m leaving home behind me, and it’s not the ranch. It’s Clay.
Flinging my seatbelt off my body, I wiggle around the wheel to search the back seat for my phone. I need to fix this before he leaves. Before that dark place takes him again, and I lose him forever. The past doesn’t matter or my family knowing about it. Nothing matters if he can be mine.
Turning on the overhead light, I lean back over the center console, shuffling through my things, looking for a needle in a haystack with how cluttered it is. The black of my screen flashes as a spotlight shines through the window, illuminating things better than the dome light ever could.
I turn toward it, my tired brain taking too long to process where the light is coming from. My world blurs in slow motion as headlights smash into the side of my vehicle, the world shattering around me.