Chapter 31 We Forcefully Declined
We Forcefully Declined
Clay
Gravity nearly takes me to the floor when I see her. Leni’s lying in the hospital bed, wavy locks splayed out around her head. Half her face is blocked by cords and tubes; so many wires are attached to her body. Her eyes are swollen, soft, creamy skin is darkened with bruises.
The ventilator chimes every time it takes a breath for her.
“Hey, baby.” I take her hand gently, bringing my lips down to press a kiss on her knuckles.
I can’t stop the tears, because this is too much.
I shouldn’t be holding her like this. We should be tucked into bed at the cabin, snuggled into each other.
“It’s me, Leni. It’s Clay. I don’t know if you can hear, but I am so sorry, love.
I’m so fucking sorry.” I drop my head to the bed near her shoulder and lose it completely.
When the tears are all dried up, I scrub my face on the scratchy blanket and turn back to Leni. She looks so serene, so peaceful. I don’t know what she’ll hear or remember, but I need to get this off my chest.
“I can’t believe I wasted so much time with you. You have always been it for me. Did you know that? I fell in love with you a little more with every letter you sent, and then, that summer, I knew I’d never love anyone the way that I loved you.”
Sitting forward, I swipe her bangs off to the side, wishing she were awake. Wishing she could tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need to hear her voice. I need some kind of sign of life in order to take a full breath in.
I need her.
“I think about that last night all the time, Leni. Do you remember it? The first time we kissed? I’d been at war with myself all day, wondering what to do about you.
Part of me wanted to ask you out, part of me knew it was a bad idea.
That we couldn’t go there. I was scared things would blow up between us, and I’d lose my family.
But I was more scared that I was losing myself and that I’d take you down with me. ”
My fingers rub up and down her forearm, trying to avoid the many, many bruises she’s covered in.
“I’d all but convinced myself that I was going in there to tell you goodbye, that it was going to be the last time I saw you, talked to you.
Then you smiled at me when I walked in that door, and I was lost to you all over again.
I was spiraling, lying in that bed with you.
The thought of losing you was shredding me apart, and I let myself wonder what it would be like if I didn’t let you go.
Maybe we could have worked something out.
Maybe it wouldn’t have all fallen apart.
Maybe I needed regular sleep, and I would get better.
I wouldn’t have to worry about putting my issues on you or hurting you again.
Then you turned around and looked at me, and you asked me if I thought I would need you.
That you would find a way to get to California, and you’d take care of me.
You laughed when I said you needed to graduate.
Laughed, Leni. I knew then that you would have done absolutely anything for me, and I couldn't let you destroy yourself. At seventeen no less.”
I’m staring at her face, trying to recall the way the light shines in her eyes when she smiles, trying to remember what it sounds like when she laughs. Everything feels too big. It’s been less than forty-eight hours, and I can’t even summon those things to my mind.
“Please, Leni.” I take a deep centering breath, forcing myself to choke the emotion back, to be strong for her.
“When I didn’t answer you, about coming with you, you blushed so hard.
The deepest blush I’d ever seen on your face.
I thought you looked so damn cute...blushing at me like that.
You thought my silence meant I didn’t want you.
Assumed that I was going to try and let you down easy.
But when you faked a smile and tried to turn around, I couldn’t let you go.
I didn’t want my last memory of that summer to be of you faking a smile, so I kissed you, and it ruined me. ”
“Fuck did it ruin me, Leni.”
“I broke my own goddamn heart sneaking out of the house that next morning. The selfish part of me was glad that I’d kissed you.
Glad that I would have that memory to take with me wherever I went.
It nearly killed me, thinking about how badly I was going to hurt you.
I wish we could get that time back, Leni, just attach another ten years onto the end of our lives so that we could make up for everything.
I’d give it all up if I could go back to last Friday and turn you away.
I’d tell you to go; if I could somehow go back and prevent you from being here, I would do it, Leni.
Because I can’t fucking live without you in this world.
I need you alive, baby, even if it’s not with me.
I need you to live. We all do. Your whole family is camped outside in the waiting room.
Pepper’s here, Miya. Everyone is here waiting for you.
So please, Leni, you have to wake up, okay, baby? I need you.”
Emotion clogs my throat, and I can’t speak anymore. I hold her hand and stroke her arm until I somehow fall asleep next to her. The sound of the ventilator lulls me into a restless sleep.
I wake with my neck aching from the angle I slept in. Miya is standing next to me, her hand on my shoulder.
“Glad I got here first. Brooks is trying to stall Mercer. You better get out of here, Clay.”
I look at Leni, and she looks the same as when I first came in. I know she’s being kept in a coma to encourage healing, but it’s discouraging to see her looking exactly the same, small and fragile. Vulnerable.
“I don’t want to leave her.”
“I know.” Miya squeezes my arm. “I’ll be here. They’re going to run some tests to see how she’s doing this morning. See if we can get her breathing on her own.”
“Will she wake up?”
“It all depends on what they find. If it’s safe to take her off the vent, we can back off the anesthesia. It can take time for people to wake up, but we’ll let you know if we start that process.”
I sigh, pushing up from my chair, feeling heavy and not at all rested. Leaning down, I press a kiss on her temple and whisper, “Time to wake up, baby girl. We’re waiting for you.”
I slip out of her room as a line of doctors makes their way in. The sound of the ventilator pulsing in my ears as I walk down the hall. I don’t make it very far before my legs give out. I slide down the wall and bury my head in my hands. Everything hurts: my body, my heart, everything.
“How is she?” Toby slides down next to me, his long legs stretched out in front of him as he sighs.
“I don’t know.” It’s the only answer I have right now, because I can’t form into words what it’s like to see her like that.
“Sorry, about…” He gestures to my face, where my skin feels a little too tight, a dull throbbing ache in my jaw. “I’ve never seen Mercer like this.”
I sigh, leaning my head against the wall.
I glance at him. It’s still weird seeing the Kane boys in sweats.
These guys live in their jeans and boots, or suits, in Ethan’s case.
They might be dirty half the time, but they’re always put together.
Right now, they’re a mess. Completely undone, and it’s jarring to see.
“So you and Leni, huh?”
I smile, for the first time since everything exploded with Mercer. Leni is the one thing I am absolutely sure about. Now I just need her to wake up, so she can tell me if she wants me to go or stay.
“Yeah.”
“It’s the real deal then?”
“Yeah, Tobes. She’s it for me.”
“Damnit,” he complains.
“Don’t tell me you bet against us.” I nudge his shoulder with mine, wincing when the motion jostles my ribs.
“Oh, right.” Toby tosses me a bottle of Ibuprofen, then hands over a shopping bag. “Those are from Miya. She had some in her locker.” He points at the bottle of Ibuprofen. “And that Pepper chick went out and got us all a change of clothes.”
“Oh, well, that was nice of her.”
“And fuck yeah, I bet against you. Ten years is a long time, man. Too long. She could have moved on, bro.” He gives me a pointed look before offering to help me off the floor.
“I know,” I groan. “I’m not even sure she’ll want me here when she wakes up.”
“Well, here’s to hoping then.” He winks. “Also, I think you’ll appreciate the fact that Pepper likes you, because Adler might have hit on her one too many times, and the clothes she got him…well, you’ll see.”
Throwing back the ibuprofen, I swallow them dry, then follow Toby back to the waiting room. “They tried to tell us to leave,” Toby chuckles.
“We forcefully declined,” Pa says, coming up to wrap me in one of his famous bear hugs. Whenever Pa hugs me, I feel like that scrawny little kid that he saved. He pats me on the back a few times before pulling away to look at me. “You okay, son?”
“Good as I can be.”
He nods and moves back into the room, headed for the window where Ma is standing, looking out over the parking lot.
Warm morning light is shining into the windows, and Ma has her head tilted toward it, like a sunflower in summer.
Leni does the same thing on nice days. She did it that day on the lake.
When we were all messing around on the boat, Leni was sitting near the front, eyes closed, head facing the sun.
I remember how my breath caught in my throat, seeing her like that.
A fucking vision. So alive and at peace.
I couldn’t help but go to her, like I’d been sucked into her gravity, helpless to the pull between us.
I guess some things never change, because I’m right back in that same spot.
Helplessly drawn to her, eager to borrow even a fraction of her light. Her peace.
I find myself a seat toward the back of the room.
The perfect spot to witness whatever shenanigans go on, but not actually close enough to have to participate.
Mercer is glued to his phone, shooting daggers at me.
If he wasn’t putting out proverbial fires in the county, he’d probably come over for round two.
I can’t stifle the laugh that bursts out of my chest when Adler walks in with to-go bags from a fast food joint.
He’s dressed head to toe in hot pink, and while Pepper might have thought she was pulling a pretty good prank, he’s owning the outfit like it was made for him.
Because, of course, Adler can pull off pink.
He looks like a human highlighter; it’s so bright.
Brooks drops into the chair next to me, tossing me a breakfast sandwich before rubbing his face with calloused hands.
“How are you?” he asks, staring at Ethan, who’s somehow juggling Tessa and eating. I mull over the question, wondering which answer he wants to hear.
How do I tell him that I feel like I’m bleeding out?
That every second Leni spends unconscious, I feel like tiny pieces of my soul are being ripped away.
I’m so scared I can barely breathe. That I’ve been holding my breath since we got here, or that I’m not sure if this is survivable.
How do I tell him that my heart is lying in that hospital bed?
That her life is on the line, because I am nothing, nothing without her.
I’m about to give my standard bullshit response when Brooks lifts his hat, setting it on his knee, his hands pulling at the ends of his hair.
“I knew.” His voice comes out hoarse and thick with emotion.
“I knew something else had happened. She came back a different person, Clay. You don’t change that much from someone stealing your bags.
I was so focused on my shit with Kate that I didn’t dig in.
Didn’t ask more questions. I just doubled down.
My whole life felt out of control, so I tried to control hers instead.
She was always so easy, so agreeable before.
We never fought. She’d bend over backwards to take care of all of us, and I’m not saying that was right, but that’s how it was.
When she came back, she was harder, more withdrawn.
I thought if we could keep her here, we could draw her back out.
But I pushed her away.” He can’t finish the sentence before his words are choked off.
Brooks isn’t the kind of man who will sit and cry in front of just anyone.
Seeing him like this, the mirror to my utter agony inside, I can finally take a tiny sip of air into my lungs.
Finally, let a little bit of these walls crack, to feel everything I’ve been trying to lock into a neat little box in the corner of my mind.
Because if Brooks Kane can cry about feeling guilty, then I sure as shit can too.