Chapter 36 #3
Our dance continues, the two of us unstoppable. We both have our goals. I wonder what hers are. She’s giving nothing away, her expression back to unreadable and her spine straight. She is cool control whereas I am unsteady, hesitant, and exhausted.
My broken nose burns like someone poured salt into the wound. She leans over me with my arms pinned at my side and my chest throbbing. For a moment, I wonder if I’m staring death in the face. My thoughts cloud. There is nothing but darkness waiting for me.
“She’ll come for you, you know, the moment she’s able, whether she has permission from the headmistress or not,” Astrid continues. “If you hadn’t beaten her within an inch of her life this afternoon, she wouldn’t have let you leave the dining hall. It’s surprising she hasn’t made a move before.”
My chest heaves. “Why?”
“Because she sees you as a threat. You jeopardize her hold on Kieran. I wonder why?”
I shout and buck up against her. Astrid lets me, releasing her hold on my arms, and my mind swirls like I’m caught in the whirlpool of a river. We rise at the same time.
“She sees the way he looks at you,” Astrid says when I fail to answer her. “And she hates you for it.”
I blink and indignation pries my lips over my teeth. “I want nothing to do with him.”
Astrid leans so there is no mishearing her when she says, “Repeat that enough and maybe you’ll believe it.”
My breathing is shallow and uneven.
“Are you giving up?” A muscle in her jaw flexes.
My gut curls in on itself. “Not yet.”
The silence strains between us. There is nowhere for me to go on the mat where she won’t follow, and if I stop now, that’s it. Done. I’m not willing to let it end yet.
My eyes flicker over the pile of armor and weapons. Over Astrid and her austere bearing.
There has to be a way to get to her. I’m slow to focus but latch on to the way she stands, her hands at her hips, her cheeks hollow. There’s a thin sheen of sweat along her brow. She’s favoring her left side now. Had I gotten in a hit? Or does she want me to think I did?
No, the answers aren’t simple. Neither are people. They are complex weaves of dreams and fears and greed and control. Anger and hate and joy and love. There’s no use trying to figure them out when they will leave you disappointed in the end. Expectations are never met.
Astrid expects something out of me. What is it?
Why is she doing this? Purposely antagonizing me?
Instead of yelling, instead of moving before I’m ready, I stop and hold the air in my lungs. It might be hopeless, but I’m not done with her yet. I’m just Morgan Whyte, a maid, a woman damned.
Does that have to be everything I am?
I close the distance between us, taking in her sneer, and punch.
She intercepts the blow and holds up her forearm to block me.
Astrid is silent now, watching me. I’m not lashing out anymore.
I’m glaring at her, hoping she’s burned by my fire.
Astrid finally lowers her gaze and I spin toward her weapons.
Whether she thinks I’m going to use them on her or not, she moves. She jogs to block me from reaching the knives.
And I pull up beside them and punch.
Astrid stops in her tracks as I finally land a single, solid punch across her chin. Our eyes lock and more blood drips from my nostrils, but I don’t wipe it away yet.
“Good,” she says, her voice grave. “I was getting tired of watching you fail.”
It’s clear she let me get the hit in. But Astrid managed to prove her point. I’m not ready to throw it all away yet. I want to show everyone what I’m capable of doing. Being alone and stewing in the sanctimonious loneliness doesn’t change my circumstances.
It certainly doesn’t change the world around me.
I turn to break eye contact, and she reaches out to grab my wrist and stop me, pulling our heads together.
“You belong here,” she says in an undertone. “Okay?”
I let out a small cough to cover my surprise. If Astrid takes delight in my shock, she lets none of it show.
“It’s far easier to burn the castle down when you’re already inside its walls.” She flashes me a smile.
Had I heard her right?
My previous assessment of her falls apart entirely. There’s clearly much more to Astrid than I thought. It’s almost like…
She drops my wrist. Quietly, she replaces each piece of armor.
What would I be able to accomplish if our roles reversed?
If I do as she says and channel the anger into my goal, realizing when to leash it and when to rage?
How much bad can a person do in the name of good?
It’s high time for me to find out.
Once she’s composed and complete, she heads to the door, pausing to glance over her shoulder at me.
“Coming?”
I sniff and swipe my hand beneath my nose. “Where?”
“To Headmistress Harbi. We’ll need to get you set up with your room assignment. Classes start again in the morning whether you’re ready for them or not.”
Her gaze flashes with a challenge but she waits for me to meet her at the door.
“Things are going to change,” she reminds me. “I hope you’re ready for it.”
I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready. But—Burn the castle down from the inside, huh? It sure makes a pretty picture.