Chapter 37
Thirty-Seven
Morgan
The rain must have started sometime during our sparring match. The moment we step outside of the private gym, its din grows noticeably louder as it pelts the roof, the windows, the walls. The sky outside is entirely engulfed in black.
I stop at the window at the end of the hallway and a bolt of lightning illuminates the belly of clouds hovering over the ridgeline.
How am I going to compete with the others here?
There is a voice inside of me telling me I’m not enough as I am, as myself. I want to tell it to go away but letting go has never been easy for me.
I’m not built to let go.
If my parents had known, would they have told me it was okay? Or would they have told me to keep doing what I’ve always done, which is to push through?
At least Astrid and I agree on one thing, if nothing else. It’s a better practice to trust no one. Or at least to keep a close watch on them.
My heartbeat throbs in my broken nose and I sniff, regretting it the moment agony splits through to the base of my skull. It’s probably not the best idea to go in front of the headmistress this way. But Astrid isn’t slowing down for a change of clothes.
Not like I have any.
My last possession is currently hanging around the bony neck of a woman who does not deserve it. I didn’t deserve it any better but it’s my legacy to try to live up to, not hers.
The necklace will wait.
Another flash of lightning streaks veins of glowing light against the sky and a roll of thunder follows on its heels.
Astrid clears her throat. Finally, I drag my attention from the window, and she jerks to indicate the opposite direction. Away from the night, away from the storm, and into something even more unknown.
“Hopefully Harbi isn’t going to immediately boot me out,” I mutter under my breath.
“You certainly did waste enough time.”
Hours, yeah, of going around in a circle. I wait for the familiar tingle in my fingers to herald the first visions of nerves but nothing happens. I’m worried, of course, I’d be less than human if the emotions weren’t there, and something still feels lighter now.
A decision has been made.
Something definitive and permanent, if I can manage to get Harbi back on board. Right now…
It’s a big if.
Another lightning strike lights up the glowing gold strands threading through the marble floor. My shadow wavers and so does Astrid’s when I fall into place beside her, walking with a combination of edginess and misplaced bleating fear that gets me nowhere.
It certainly doesn’t help me with my goals.
The fear and the edginess remain no matter how many calming breaths I drag into my spent body. Astrid moves with a fluid and unhurried grace. This is her place whether she wants to claim it or not.
Her warnings churn in my head.
Trust no one. Hone my anger and use it.
Burn the castle down from the inside.
Those are all lovely theories but if I’m not able to actually accomplish anything, then what’s it worth?
She stops in the middle of the long hall and in the distance, a door creaks on its hinges. She thrusts out a hand to halt me in my tracks.
“The hard part is over,” Astrid assures me.
Her voice is easy but the lines of strain across her brow remain in place.
“It’s one thing for me to try to convince you. It’s another thing for you to feel the surety inside of yourself.”
“The hard part is only just beginning, and we both know it,” I correct. “Try not to insult me.”
She snorts. “You make it too easy.”
“I’m sorry?”
She purses her lips and then shakes her head.
“You might think this is all a game, and you’re right.
” There’s a bite to her words. “We have to put on our masks and pretend. We have our truths, to push down deep and forget about them, until the time is right. It’s necessary to get us to the end.
To get us where we need to be. I told you that you belong here, Morgan.
So prove me right. Don’t let this be in vain. ”
She searches my face for an answer to a question she hasn’t asked.
In this fleeting moment, I understand her better than almost anyone I’ve met since coming to DragonSpear. Haven’t I already had to push myself into a tiny ball and cradle it to protect who I really am? Not a maid or a martyr but a survivor?
A woman capable of vengeance.
That person might not be there when I make it to graduation.
In my head, it’s a matter of time, not a possibility.
I will graduate from this place. If it takes pretending to follow General Ryson, then okay, I’ll stomach it for as long as it takes, because Astrid is right. There are certain steps to take.
But I have no idea who I’m going to be at the end of this adventure. Will I be better? Or just different?
“We each carry our own secrets,” Astrid continues in an undertone.
I nod. “Some are heavier than others.” What kind of secrets does she hide?
The treacherous kind.
Then again, most secrets are. Maybe that’s why Kieran pisses me off so much. Because his secrets are better hidden than mine but he’s in the position to change my life. My secrets hurt no one except me.
And I’ve learned to live with the missing pieces.
Astrid’s stare unnerves me and weariness curves my shoulders.
“I’m going to try my best.” My broken nose throbs. “And soon I’ll be able to land more than a single hit.”
Nothing about me is easy but I bite down on my lip until the pain from the split crowds out the adrenaline rush. Copper blood fills my mouth again.
“Keep your eyes open,” Astrid warns.
She starts walking again and I pressure my legs into movement, limping after her. The seconds tick by and the aches deepen so that my entire face throbs, muscles contracting when I need them to release.
Only a little longer, and I’ll know what’s happening. I’ll know whether Harbi will still accept me, and if I’ll get to transition from an uncomfortable bottom bunk with exposed springs to a real bed, with the others.
Remembering the cot, the press of the metal, I straighten and walk tall.
Noise grows the closer we get to the dining hall. Astrid passes by the open doors without blinking and I hustle after her toward the headmistress’s office. It might be the last place I want to be and the only space in the entire castle that matters.
Harbi had been willing to give me a shot. That’s what I have to remember.
Astrid pauses at the door and knocks, waiting for an answer.
“Enter!”
The barked demand is a blast of sound and the door swings open on its own seconds later. My veins settle into a sluggish rhythm like my heart has lodged behind my broken nose and sends out spikes of spasming agony with every throb.
The painted swirls of sunny sky overhead are an odd contrast to the open doors of the balcony. Harbi stands backlit by lightning and driving rain and in the darkness, something shifts, separating itself from the dull black.
A dragon. Her dragon.
It looks like they’ve both been waiting for me.
Harbi pauses to stroke a rain-slicked hand down the dragon’s sleek snout and steps into the office barefoot. She leans heavily on her staff, gripped in the opposite hand, and the droplets of water gild her black hair like diamonds.
The soft thunk of her staff is the only sound in the room and absorbs into the plush carpet.
“I wondered when you would show up.” She addresses me first. “Although you, Miss Edwards, I expected at dinner.”
Harbi glances over our shoulders, looking predictably for Kieran.
When her gaze latches on mine again, her eyes are two glinting pieces of turquoise shoved into a still useful face. Then she notices my broken nose and the lines fanning from those gems crease.
I sniff on instinct and regret it immediately. The tiniest bit of movement jostles the broken bone and the swelling makes it harder to breathe.
Astrid remains at the door with her arms crossed over her chest and an air of dismissal. There’s no mistaking the moment or the way the silence stretches tight like a bubble ready to burst.
I step in front of Astrid with the need to speak pushing against my lips. “I’m staying.”
It’s always better to double down than to act apologetic. My mother taught me that.
Harbi says nothing and I shove the bite out of my tone, nibbling on my lip out of instinct until the split opens further. The quiet spreads and my fingers twist with the need to fiddle.
“I’ve decided DragonSpear is my future. I’m accepting your invitation,” I say when I can’t take it anymore.
My stomach drops when her lips thin and tears push solidly against the back of my eyes. I’m too late. I wasted so much time with Kieran, and then with Astrid, that Harbi has rescinded her kindness.
Harbi’s mouth opens and she takes a deep breath with her eyes still holding mine. Slowly, she shakes her head.
My stomach drops as fear splinters through me.
What did I expect though?
To simply waltz in here and say I’d changed my mind, then have everything in my life go right?
“What happened to your face? You’re bleeding quite a lot.” Harbi glances at her carpet without answering my plea. “The swelling in your cheeks and eyes will make you uncomfortable for the next few weeks.”
“Broken nose.” My voice trembles and hurt laces each syllable.
“Her first official sparring lesson,” Astrid says, finally speaking up. “It did not go well for her.”
“A taste of life at DragonSpear,” Harbi agrees with a nod.
Life at DragonSpear.
She hasn’t said yes but it’s close enough for me to think about every dark and ugly vision I had for myself and the future, and know I don’t want those things to happen.
It’s going to be tough to hide myself and my truth while I’m here. Trusting no one will help.
Candlelight flickers from the lantern on Harbi’s desk and the individual flames at the tips of her chandelier. The glow at the center of the room casts unnatural shadows across her face and my breath catches in my throat.
“How did she do?” Harbi asks Astrid, still looking at me.
“Well enough to get her to this point,” Astrid replies.
Heat prickles along my spine and anticipation tears the rest of me to shreds.