Chapter 22 #2
I shake my head. In the guise of protection, this man ruined one of the few beautiful things in my life. My chest burns with so much anger there’s no room for anything else.
When I don’t reply, he says, “I’ll come look for you when I have news.
Either directly or I’ll send a messenger.
Don’t try to contact me. Nobody can know I’m helping you, or it will ruin my plans.
And don’t call attention to yourself, at least no more than you already got with this silly betrothal. ”
I snort. “Easy for you to call it silly.”
“Very hard, actually. Quite painful. But the important thing is that you’ll survive. Your brother too.”
Survive. That’s all it is to this man. I don’t think he sees me and my brother as people, let alone as his children. And yet I’m still grateful that he’s offering me protection, and even more grateful that he’ll get my brother far from this academy, away from this kingdom.
“Thank you.” The words come between gritted teeth, but there’s truth in the sentiment.
Many turbulent emotions battle inside me as I leave Mallor’s office, and yet my focus lingers on the enormity of the task ahead of me.
The impossible task.
Nelly’s in my room when I arrive, staring at the pawns and dragons board. For a second, I blink and see Celine sitting before her, losing with a smile on her face.
“You got the news, then?” My voice is hoarse.
Nelly crosses the room and wraps her arms around my shoulders, and we share a hug. Share our pain.
She finally steps back and looks at me, her eyes deep and sorrowful. “So sudden. And during training?”
“Yes.”
Nelly’s expression is thoughtful, with no signs of crying. “We always think we’ll die during an attack or something, but I suppose it was her time to meet Thantos.”
“At least she’ll have no issue when he weighs her good and bad deeds.”
“She won’t.” Nelly’s smile is sad.
I sit on my bed, unsure what to say. Guilt is still corroding me. Celine didn’t want to fly, didn’t want to train, and yet she was forced to do it. I had a connection with Alayel all this time, and didn’t try to help her.
Nelly looks at me. “Her death hit you hard.”
More than her death. So much more, but I don’t know how much I can tell her. But there’s one thing I can do. “Have you considered… leaving this place?”
She blinks, confused. “Why? And I can’t.”
“I know. But… Celine didn’t need to be in that training, didn’t need to be flying. She was offered the chance to quit the academy. I could find a way for you to—”
“Leave? And do what?” Annoyance is clear in her voice. “Seriously, Mayara, what was Celine supposed to do?”
“Survive. Do something else.”
Nelly huffs. “Is that what you’d like to offer me? To be expelled?”
“Yes. I can help you find a way out. I can do it now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it in a few months.”
She laughs in disbelief. “You don’t get it, do you? Of course you don’t. Have you ever gone to bed hungry?”
Her question’s unfair. “This has nothing—”
“It has everything to do with me staying in this academy.” Pain threads through her yell.
“People will do anything, anything for a plate of food. For guaranteed food every day, of course I’ll jump into the air and face dragons.
I don’t have a choice. You do, and even here, you have all this privilege. Life’s easy for you.”
I want to argue with her, tell her that nothing in my life has been easy, that I had to earn everything I have, but it wouldn’t change her mind. And it’s true that right now I have more privilege than she does. “I understand.”
Plus, I need to tell her at least part of what I saw. “But listen, I wanted to honor Celine in death, and I couldn’t. They take the bodies right away, take them straight to Auranius. Who knows if he even burns us.” We have discussed this before, so I don’t think I’m revealing anything I shouldn’t.
“I don’t care what happens after I die, Mayara.
I just want to survive. I’ll make a game of it if I have to.
One more day, and one more day, and one more day.
There are many ways to survive in the academy.
In the Sky Guard too. You’re not the only cunning person here.
You’re not the only one who knows how to seduce the the right men. ”
I can’t believe she’s saying that, can’t believe she’s suggesting I seduced Alayel as part of some scheme, but I also know she’s upset, and I don’t want to keep arguing and risk losing another friend. “I’m sorry. My offer was not meant to offend you.”
She pauses, as if stunned by my apology, and looks down. “No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just…sometimes things feel so unfair. Still, don’t offer to get me out of this place. It’s not kindness, Mayara.”
“I won’t suggest it again.” And yet the thought of what will happen to her once she dies turns my stomach.
Would she change her mind if I told her the truth? Somehow, I doubt it. I couldn’t save Celine—and I can’t save Nelly.
Worst of all, Celine’s death is my fault. My fault for interfering, for not letting her get expelled. But she didn’t want to leave the academy!
“Mayara!” Alayel stands at the door, his face troubled. “I looked everywhere for you.”
“I’m here.”
He approaches me in large strides, then wraps me in his arms. For a moment, I feel safe. For a moment, I can push aside what I saw, can even reconcile with the fact that my friend died. His presence grounds me, soothes my anxiety, and I lean on him.
He’s a thief, and maybe a murderer. Why am I recalling Mallor’s words? Why should I even care what that man thinks?
Maybe because it’s true?
“Come,” Alayel says as he breaks the hug and pulls me by the hand.
I resist his pull and turn to Nelly. “Will you be—”
“Go, Mayara.” She gives me a tight smile. “You need more solace than I do.”
“Thanks,” I say, as Alayel draws me toward the corridor.
When we reach the stairs, he asks, “Where were you?”
A tremor runs through me as I recall that strange passage, that tunnel, and the body parts I saw in Auranius’ lair.
“I’ll tell you when we’re alone,” I whisper, hoping the words won’t reach any wrong ears, even if the staircase seems to be empty, even if in theory I’m not revealing anything.
But I am revealing something—to Alayel. It means I’ll have to tell him what I saw, or else find a good excuse for where I went.
No. He needs to know, and he has enough sense of self-preservation not to go around babbling.
Unless he already knows, and then all I’ll be revealing is that I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see.
We get to his room through the hidden passage and the back door leading to the closet, and he pulls me to his sofa, then gets me a glass of water.
“Here,” he says. “Drink a little, then take a deep breath. I was so worried when I realized who fell.” He swallows. “I’m sorry.”
I take a long sip of the water, which soothes my dry, hoarse throat. “I never thought she would die like that. She had plans. Dreams. She was smart. Kind.”
He sits beside me and caresses my arm in a comforting gesture. “Accidents can happen anywhere. In times like these, it’s better to believe that it was her time to go, and then you won’t keep wondering why. Won’t keep wondering if there was anything you could have done.”
He’s right. I need to stop torturing myself trying to figure out how I could have prevented this, since there’s no way to turn back time.
I place the glass on a table beside the sofa, and he pulls me closer.
His scent is calming, easing some of my anger, quieting the silent scream that keeps ringing in my throat.
“Where were you?” he asks again.
I don’t think I’ll have any choice other than spilling the truth. First, I’m in no mind to make up a convoluted story, and second, I need to share it, need to vent to someone I trust.
“Where I grew up, when someone died, their family remained by their side, watching the body burn. When Celine fell, the acolytes came and picked her up right away, and it felt wrong. Too soon. I wanted to honor her, remain by her side, wanted to witness her cremation.”
Alayel frowns. “Where did you go?”
“I found a passage that led me to Auranius’ lair.”
He blinks, confused, then stares at me. “Wasn’t it guarded?”
“The key worked. It wasn’t guarded, no, just secret.” My stomach twists. “Do you know what Auranius does with the bodies?”
He pauses and gives me a sideways look. “He burns them, does he not?”
“Nobody ever told you? Your father, someone in the academy, the Sky Guard? Have you ever heard about it?”
“No.” His brows furrow in confusion. “What happens? What did you see?”
I take a shaky, deep breath, my body still trembling as I recall the stench, the blood, the body parts.
“He eats them.”
“No.” Alayel covers his mouth with a hand. “And you saw it?”
My voice comes out with difficulty, my stomach churning at the memory—the stench, the blood. “I didn’t see him eating her, but I heard him, and saw scattered human remains. Nothing was burned.”
He holds me close against his chest. “By Vigorlu, that must have been horrible.”
“It was.”
His hands caress my hair, and I just want to collapse and cry again, cry in a place where I feel safe, protected, except that my eyes are still dry.
He kisses my cheek. “I’ll never let that happen to you.”
His words are sweet, and yet… “But that doesn’t solve the problem, does it?”
“Celine? I’m so sorry.”
I move away from him. “I mean everyone. I mean the fact that this academy brings in recruits just so we feed Auranius.”