Chapter 17 #3
“I don’t dwell on the past when I’m with her, but I also don’t refuse to think about it or deal with it if I’m having a rough day.
Alba’s been there for me, given me space and time to discuss whatever it is I’m dealing with, and she always knows the right thing to say.
It’s like she knows when I need her, you know?
” Ellie smiled as she fisted a hand under her chin.
“She’s gorgeous, she’s funny, she’s intelligent.
” God, what the hell was happening to Ellie?
The way she was talking about Alba…the way it felt so natural.
“She’s a great cook, she loves her friends and family the way you and I do, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone.
” Hmm. That wasn’t quite true. “Well, anyone except for her ex-wife.”
“That look in your eyes…” Danielle trailed off as she sighed and smiled.
“When she touches me, I get this unusual shiver up my spine. The hairs on my arms prickle. And then there’s the way she looks at me.
I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me the same way.
If they have, I’ve never noticed it. Or maybe it’s just far more intense when Alba does it.
” Ellie’s voice softened as she thought back on those moments.
“It’s the very same look that Gabrielle has when she looks at you. ”
“Ellie, if she makes you feel this way and you want to explore what it means, then you should do that. This is your life, love. You’ve had such a rough time over the last couple of years that all I want for you is happiness. If that’s with another woman, then so be it.”
“What if I’m reading it wrong?” The doubt slipped back in, quiet but persistent.
Danielle rolled her eyes. “Trust me, you’re probably reading it exactly right.”
“Then why didn’t she kiss me when I thought she was going to?”
“As far as Alba knows, you’re straight. She’s probably reminded herself of that in the moment and backed away. I’ve been there. I know how it fucks with your head when you’re into a straight woman.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever given her the impression that I’m interested. That’s where the confusion comes from.”
“Sometimes we just know. Me and Alba, that is.” Danielle seemed sure of that, and Ellie had no choice but to go with it.
It wasn’t often her best friend gave her the wrong advice.
“How about we plan a night out or something. I’ll see what vibe I’m getting from her.
If she’s into you and that kiss was on the cards, I’ll know. Mark my words.”
“That feels a little deceitful, don’t you think?” Ellie’s brows drew together. While she was on board in terms of figuring this out with Danielle, she didn’t like the idea of doing anything that could come across that way to Alba. She deserved better than that. “I’m not sure that’s fair to her.”
Danielle scoffed. “It’ll be fine. You’re not deceiving her. You’re just getting a feel for what’s going on between you…with the help of your lesbian best friend and her wife.”
Ellie guessed she didn’t have anything to lose.
It would either come to something, or it wouldn’t.
While she did feel marginally bad for cooking up this plan with Danielle, Ellie wasn’t at a stage of just taking matters into her own hands yet.
The last thing she wanted was to lose her friendship with Alba and have nothing at all at the end of it.
She meant too much to Ellie at this point.
“Okay. I’ll see when she’s available and let you know. ”
Danielle sat forward, wearing a huge smile, clearly invested now. “I’m happy for you, El.”
“Let’s just…see how this plays out before we start to get too excited.”
Excited? Until recently, Ellie was just about functioning. Existing more than living. Excitement about this would be on the back burner for the foreseeable. If she was going into this, the unknown, then she had to be sensible about it.
Danielle winked as she said, “I think it’s going to play out just fine.”
“If she did back away intentionally, and I have read it right, I think I know why.”
“Why?”
“She knows the baggage I have. She knows that until very recently, I used to lock myself away, only surfacing for my workaholic life.” Ellie’s voice trembled, the weight of that truth still sitting with her. “It’s obvious now that I think about it.”
Danielle smiled weakly. “You think she’s scared about the grief you carry for Eloise.”
“Most people would be.” Ellie shrugged, though it didn’t quite mask the vulnerability beneath it.
“One thing I will say is that women are entirely different from men, Ellie. We’re far more emotionally attached, and most of us deal with that kind of thing much better.
” Danielle slid from her stool and rounded the island, bringing Ellie into an embrace.
“I don’t think your past is the issue, love.
I think Alba is scared to fall for a straight woman. ”
Ellie hoped Danielle was right. She could deal with the uncertainty surrounding her sexuality, the questions, and the unknown. What she couldn’t deal with was the loss of Alba because of the baggage she’d so selflessly helped Ellie unpack recently.