Chapter 2
In the days following his blow-up in Mr. Lucas’s office, Ethan found himself confused. His boss did a complete one-eighty. His personality, which had been gruff and demanding, became softer. He was more understanding. He listened when Ethan had things to say and didn't challenge him.
When the subject of the errors in the report came back up, Ethan showed him the audio recording, and Mr. Lucas admitted he was wrong. Then he apologized to Ethan.
He apologized. After that he’d told Ethan to call him Ash instead of Mr. Lucas.
Ethan was beside himself and didn’t know how to feel. With every day that passed and the man didn't revert to his old ways, Ethan settled a bit. His heart rate evened out and the anxiety that had gnawed at him for ages diminished.
Not enough for him to go off his meds, but he no longer felt the need to leave the office for lunch every day, or as though he were fighting an uphill battle.
The relationship with Mr. Lu — no, Ash, wasn't by any means jovial all the time.
They had simply reached some kind of neutral territory, one in which they worked together and at the end of the day went their separate ways.
He didn't get called into the office at night, which meant he got to go to the club and enjoy his time with his friends in peace.
He hadn't felt that relaxed in years. Even before getting his job, he'd been stressed about money and his health and everything else. For the first time in his adult life, there was a sense of balance.
Of course, all good things have to come to a head.
When a client stormed into the office one day and ripped into Ash in front of Ethan, Ash could no longer keep up his facade of kindness. The moment the client was gone, his short temper returned and Ethan saw his old boss again.
Ash did calm down by the end of the day, but once that can of worms was open, it didn't go away.
Ethan noticed little things each day. A scoff here, a reprimand given in a biting tone there. Notes slid across the desk when Ash couldn't speak aloud, and they were always about something that needed fixing.
Day after day after day, Ethan could feel himself eroding, his anxiety returning tenfold. He’d believed Ash had actually changed. That there would be no more days of worry like this.
No matter how much time he spent at the club, or how often Koa tried to bring him into the fold, Ethan couldn't settle.
Even Jacob had tried keeping him company, showing up in ways that Ethan didn't really know how to navigate. For every negative moment he had with Ash, a little bit of his soul chipped away, which meant he couldn’t appreciate any of the kindness others offered.
When Ash started calling him into work in the evenings again, Ethan could feel himself crumbling. To combat the feeling, he focused even harder on his role at the club, making himself available and helping out every single chance he got.
Sunday Snuggles became his only permanent release.
He would spend every minute he wasn't focused on work planning for those days buying new blankets and working with Koa on ideas to make the night even more appealing to everyone.
He was told time and time again that it was people's favorite night of the week.
As much as he put on a brave face for them, he struggled behind closed doors.
His apartment was a mess. His health was on the decline, his anxiety ramping up to the point that he booked an appointment with his psychiatrist to adjust his dose. He had an emergency supply of meds, but he'd run through those soon at the rate Ash was pushing him.
No matter how much he tried to mask what he was feeling, he continually found himself being called out by others. Whether it was Koa pointing it out, or Briar and Scar tag teaming him, they’d each stop him and tell him he needed to get his act together.
Dill, who usually kept to the sidelines, was the most vocal of them all. They'd pulled Ethan aside and reminded him that no one could pour from an empty cup.
At the time, Ethan had frowned, not fully understanding the meaning. Now though, he knew exactly what it meant.
He sat in a Sunday Snuggle session watching everyone around him find happiness. Couples paired together wrapped up in blankets as they listened to soft music and watched the video play on the drop-down projector.
When someone told a joke, he made himself laugh even louder than usual. It presented him with another layer of protection against people seeing what he was really feeling.
The anxiety was always present, creeping over him like a dark cloud. One minute he’d be fine, then the next he’d worry he was going to die alone without ever having a Daddy to love him.
But then Jacob walked over one day. Jacob, with his understanding eyes and calm presence. He had two mugs of cider in hand, and after dropping down beside Ethan, offered one to him.
Poe, a Little who Ethan found to be a bit of a snuggle bug, much like himself, had been curled into Ethan's side. His small, sleepy sounds had been bringing Ethan a quiet kind of peace that night.
Ethan wasn't a Daddy by any means, but he did like taking care of people. He enjoyed that Poe was so deeply Little and needed that support. It felt a bit like being a big brother.
“You're supposed to be off on Sundays. I’d heard your schedule changed,” Ethan said to Jacob in a whisper.
Jacob, who had settled beside him, leaned closer. “I was testing a new recipe,” he said. “Spiced cider. Please tell me if it needs anything.”
Ethan lifted his hands from where they rested on Poe and took the mug. With the first sip, he could feel how much love and care had gone into the drink. It reminded him of when Jacob had stopped everything to make him that soup.
That felt like a lifetime ago, even though it had just been a couple of weeks. Ash's hot-and-cold routine was making time feel strange. It was making Ethan unsure of himself as each day rolled into the next.
“It doesn't need anything. It's perfect,” he told Jacob.
The other man looked away, and Ethan didn't push. He knew that doing so could make Jacob clam up. It was nice having him there.
With Poe lying on his lap, Jacob at his side, the warm cider in hand, Ethan felt settled. He could literally feel his body easing into a more peaceful state, and he was grateful.
When Jacob did speak, it was to offer a compliment. “You do a good job of keeping everyone together,” he told Ethan.
Ethan blinked, coming out of the haze he'd slipped into. “At what?” he asked.
Jacob motioned at the room. “Knowing what people need without making them ask for it. Understanding both the Littles and the Daddies who come to check in sometimes.”
Ethan could feel the way his body reacted. If he didn't have better control of himself, he would have jolted at the observation, at the way Jacob had noticed and chosen to describe.
“I do what I want and hope for the best,” he admitted quietly.
The two spoke softly to one another a little longer, exchanging words back and forth, until Jacob said something that burned itself into Ethan's mind.
“I just wanted you to know that I'm paying attention to you. I have been for a while, and I didn't want it to go unsaid anymore.”
The only thing Ethan could say was, “Okay.”
He had no clue what to do. No clue what to make of it all. He glanced down and noticed where one of his hands had come to rest while the other held the cider. Their hands were close, and in an act of quiet courage, he hooked his pinky around Jacob's.
The other man exhaled softly, like the small touch had undone him entirely.
It shifted something for Ethan too. Maybe he could have Jacob the way he wanted. Maybe courage was the thing he needed to embrace and the piece of his life that had been lacking.
Because if he had courage, he could stand up to Ash. He could find another way to secure the insurance he needed without feeling like a burden. He could ask Jacob to be his, so that they could be a couple.
If Koa and Manny could manage it, then why couldn't he and Jacob?