A Tangled Heart
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Sixteen months have flown by since the day a surge of courage filled me as I silenced the doubts and fears that threatened to hold me back. While studying late with Evans, with my heart pounding in my chest, I took a deep breath, flashed a genuine smile, and, said, “If the offer is still on the table, I would be honored to be your girlfriend.”
That night, in the quiet corner of the class, we marked the inception of our growing relationship with a sweet kiss. It remains the most intimate gesture we’ve shared since we began dating. His commitment to abstain from physical intimacy reinforces my assurance in his words, his character, and his deeds
Months later, Evans graduated, launched his startup, and embarked on a journey of giving lectures on renewable energy. During a networking event I persuaded him to attend in Abuja, fate intervened, connecting him with opportunities in the office of the Federal Ministry of Power that’s elevating his career. His speaking engagements have doubled.
He stops by Hopewell Uni whenever our paths cross during his travels, spending about two days with me. This has happened four times. And I’m not complaining.
Despite being in a loving relationship with Evans, doubts linger in the recesses of my mind. I ask myself questions like, will our love deepen and flourish, or will it be yet another chapter in the intricate web of my love life that is still learning to grow? I guess I overthink my actions and reactions in our relationship.
Few months after accepting Evans’ proposal to be his girlfriend, I realized my heart is still entangled in a web of conflicting thoughts and feelings. I can’t help but feel a pang of longing for something that’s missing. My mind keeps drifting to Special. Despite Evans’ blissful moments, Special’s image lingers in the back of my mind—the knowledge of his toxic relationship only adds to the turmoil within me.
Am I okay? Do you understand me?
Yearning for Special is like an unbreakable addiction.
If only he would reach out and let me know what’s happening with him. My pride won’t let me be the one to build that bridge. Coupled with the back-and-forth G-Ben and I had long time ago. I don’t want it said that I was the one who reached out. If I ever do, it has to be for something critical. Not, hey, I thought to check up on you. Are you still with her? I found out that I’m good at this relationship thing, do you want to try it with me?
One time, during Christmas, with a mischievous smile I asked G-Ben, “Have you heard from Special lately? Is he still alive?”
His response was a chuckle and a head shake. “You know him, Fifi. He’s always got something going on. I haven’t heard from him in a while, though. But don’t worry, if he calls, I’ll let you know.”
I had hoped accepting Evans’s love would free me from the longing I felt for Special, but it seems that the pull of my emotions remains strong. I constantly find myself wondering what could have been if circumstances were different.
I love Evans, of that I am certain. He is caring, understanding, and brings immense joy into my life. However, the presence of Special in my thoughts creates a subtle ache I struggle to ignore. Did I make the right decision, accepting Evans’ love while part of my heart still yearns for another?
Whenever these thoughts plague me, I try praying but, most times, I reach for my journal, my trusted confidant in times of uncertainty. With pen in hand, I pour out my thoughts, trying to make sense of the tangled mess within me. As the words flow onto the pages, a sense of clarity emerges. Unfortunately, today is not one of those days.