15. Silas
CHAPTER 15
SILAS
A s soon as I open the front door, Dove is waiting for me as always. I kiss the top of her head and give her ears a vigorous scratch. “Hey, girl. How do you feel about a run?” Her tail wags with her reply. “Okay. Let’s go.” I grab her leash from the hook and fasten it to her collar. A waste bag gets shoved in my pocket, and I pull the door shut behind me.
As soon as we’re on the paved driveway, I begin running. I need to work off some of my conflicting emotions so I can think clearly.
The air feels thick as I draw in steady breaths. It’s muggy, hot, and miserable, the perfect trifecta for the shitty mood I’m in right now.
My sneaker soles connect with the sidewalk in an even cadence, moving me along at a good pace. Dove has no problem keeping up. She’s the best running partner I could ask for, happy to go wherever and for however long I want.
I try to stay in the moment and focus on keeping my breathing controlled and even, but Gwen wiggles her way into my thoughts and she won’t budge from them. I replay every moment leading up to our lips connecting and every second during and after. Jesus. In thirty-three years I can’t ever remember feeling so much from a kiss.
Me, Silas Landry, the meanest mug known to mankind, got fucking butterflies in my stomach. I didn’t even know that was a real thing. I thought it was just some flowery romance novel bullshit, but I was wrong. It caught me off guard and made me want so much more—things I have no right to want with Gwen. She’s so young and she’s been through a lot. She has enough to deal with without adding a summer fling with me to her plate, no matter how tempting the thought of enjoying her for as long as I can might be. I won’t be selfish. She deserves better.
When I finally get back to the house, I’m drenched with sweat. Five miles will do that to you. Especially in South Carolina. I notice the lit mosquito repellant candle on the table before I see Gavin sitting on the porch. He uncaps a fresh bottle of water for me and hands it over. I remove Dove’s leash and let her inside, so she can get her own drink, before I fall into the first available seat. Tipping the bottle, I guzzle down half before I force myself to stop. I don’t want to throw up.
“Thank you. That hit the spot.” I swipe my forehead across my arm, removing the dripping sweat.
“You were gone a while. I figured you’d need it.”
“Are you stalking me?”
“Maybe.” He grins.
“We did five miles instead of three, so it took longer.”
“Any particular reason for the extra mileage? A pretty brunette, perhaps?”
“You’re a nosy fucker.” I take another pull of water.
“I can be, but I’m also a concerned friend. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” His eyes carefully assess me.
“I appreciate that.”
“So… are you okay?”
Leaning forward, I set the bottle on the floor and rest my elbows on my knees. My forearms dangle between my legs as I decide how to reply. “I don’t know. There’s no simple way to answer that.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Do I?
My head’s still spinning even after all that running. Maybe talking it out will help give me some clarity. God knows I haven’t had any epiphany on my own.
“I kissed Gwen when we were training,” I blurt out, getting it over with.
“You did? That’s fantastic, man.” He smiles.
I shake my head. “No, it’s not.”
His brows draw downward. “It’s not fantastic?”
“Not at all.”
“Clearly, I’m confused why you feel that way. Explain it to me.”
I thrust my upper body back in the chair and stare up at the wooden slats running horizontally along the ceiling. “It was a brief but mind-blowing kiss, and now, I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Why is that a bad thing?”
“Cause it makes me want more.”
“Again, why is that a bad thing?”
“Because she’s so much younger than me.”
“Silas, couples come in all colors, shapes, and ages. There’s no right or wrong combination. She’s an adult and so are you. That’s all that matters.”
“It doesn’t mean it’s the right situation for her. She’s been through a lot in a short time. I won’t be another turbulent thing to add to the list.”
“Why would being with you be turbulent? You’re the most focused guy I know. If anything, you’d be someone she could count on to always be there for her.”
“I think she’s feeling a lot of gratitude toward me, and I don’t want her to confuse that with something more. And I’m angry with myself for being the one to cross the line with her. I’m supposed to be the adult.”
“You’re both adults. Do you mean you should be the adultier adult?” he asks, chuckling.
He can’t miss the annoyed glare I send him. “You know what I mean. I’m older and should be wiser.”
“Why’d you kiss her, then?”
“Because she was there and I couldn’t resist.”
“You would’ve kissed anyone in that situation?” he challenges.
“No.” I shake my head and my eyes fall closed. I picture the seconds leading up to the kiss. “Her cheeks were flushed pink and her eyes were sparkling and she looked so goddamned beautiful I couldn’t resist. Before I knew it, I was kissing her.” Opening my eyes, I find Gavin studying me, and I shrug.
“I think you should kiss her again,” he says.
That’s not the answer I was expecting him to give. He’s supposed to agree with me, to tell me to keep my distance.
Curiosity gets the better of me, and I ask, “Why?”
“To see if it was a fluke. Maybe the next one won’t be as good. If it’s not, you’ll be able to resist her.”
“And if it is, I’ll want her even more than I already do.”
This time he’s the one shrugging. “At least you’ll definitively know.”
I exhale with a long sigh. “You give terrible advice, dude.”
He laughs. “Or maybe I give excellent advice and you just don’t have the cajones to take it.”
“I’m trying to be a good man,” I say.
“Silas, you don’t have to try. You’re the best man I know. You set the bar impossibly high for the rest of us. If you want this girl, go fucking get her, because no other man is going to treat her better than you would.”
Dove curls into my side, somehow managing to take up half of the space on my king-sized mattress. I scratch behind her ears as I do every night before we go to sleep. “Night, sweet girl.”
She snuggles closer, as if she’s answering me.
I try to pay attention to the episode of one of my favorite TV shows I put on, but Gwen keeps occupying every bit of my brain, and nothing is going to change that. I feel like shit for how things ended with her earlier. She ran out of the gym before I could explain my reasoning. I should’ve run after her, but I thought it might be best to give us both some space. If I had chased after her, I was liable to kiss her again, and that would’ve made the situation even worse.
But now I’m being assailed with guilt and shame. I’m supposed to be the adult, and I handled everything horribly. My first mistake was kissing her.
But was it really a mistake?
It sure as hell didn’t feel like one at the time, but in hindsight I shouldn’t have taken that step, and now it’s up to me to rectify it.
I grab my phone from the nightstand and start a new text.
I’m sorry for what happened earlier. It was wrong for me to take advantage of you like that.
I send it off and wait for her to reply. If she even will. She’s probably angry with me and confused.
You didn’t take advantage of me. We’re both adults, Silas. I could’ve turned my head or pushed you away.
Still, I should know better.
Forget about it. I have.
Ouch. I guess I asked for that, but it still hurts.
It won’t happen again. But if you want a new trainer, I’ll understand. I can help you find someone else.
Please say no. I may not be able to kiss her or do all the things I wish I could but I don’t want contact between us to be completely cut off.
I don’t want a new trainer. Can we just pretend today didn’t happen?
What she’s asking is impossible, but I’m not going to tell her that. I’ll say whatever I need to in order to continue spending time with her for as long as I can.
Yes. I’ll see you in a couple of days.
Sounds good.
Goodnight.
Night.
I drop my phone on the nightstand and fold my arms behind my head. She’s pissed at me, and I don’t blame her. If I hadn’t kissed her, everything would be fine. I’d be asleep now and not lying here with a ball of knots in my stomach. But despite all of that, I can’t bring myself to regret kissing her. In those handful of seconds I felt more alive than I have in the past three years, and there’s a part of me that would do almost anything to experience that again.
But maybe Gavin was onto something when he said it could be a fluke. I could be working this all up in my head, spinning it into some momentous thing when it’s not at all. Since my accident, I’ve been so busy building the gym, I haven’t had time for romance at all. I haven’t even had a one-night stand or a hookup with someone I know. Maybe my reaction had more to do with it being so long since I kissed a woman and less to do with who I kissed.
At least that’s what I’m telling myself.