Epilogue I
THOR
This was where everything ended.
Where all the reasons keeping me on my feet disappeared.
Where I’m left adrift because nothing holds me to this earth anymore.
No meaning.
No purpose.
No hope.
No dream.
Not my love for my sister. For my children. For myself. Nothing.
Ella was everything I had, everything I wanted.
And now…
I stared, unable to speak, to blink, to feel, to move one fucking muscle, except for my heart, pulsing with a mad despair.
Inside, I was trembling, screaming, destroyed, but on the outside, I was numb.
My vision blurred, but I didn’t wipe my eyes.
The oxygen froze in my lungs…
… The abyss of grief swallowed me as I watched the coffin descend into the dirty, cold hole that would now hold my love for eternity.
I couldn’t believe she was really leaving me, permanently…
Each shovelful of dirt stole a piece of me.
Drained my air… my will to live…
Antonella Castellammare was buried at five o’clock on a Tuesday beneath a gray sky, and with her went everything that made me who I was.
My life was gone…
Heithor Castellammare no longer existed.
I was only a sack of bones and flesh twisted in pain.
No one can survive that kind of suffering. I fucking didn’t want to.
People offered me their condolences, but I was deaf, mute, and blind to them, except for the handful of fresh dirt in front of me…
… Dying to dig her out with my own hands, pull my love from that filthy, dark hole and hold her against my chest… God, fuck!
Selena and Rocco Vicenti approached too. I gave them a stiff nod, unable to look at them. I was dead with shame, with guilt… I had failed once again…
There was no anger anymore. I had stopped feeling it when Ella was buried.
Hollow inside.
Pietra’s face appeared in front of me, but, while she spoke to me, I barely registered her words or her face.
My lungs burned.
I dragged air in and let it out, my chest expanding, heavy.
This was so wrong, so unfair.
“Heithor?” I looked at my sister. “We have to go.”
I moved my gaze above her head.
It was only us there.
“I can’t,” I said in a cracked, hoarse voice I didn’t recognize.
“Thor, my brother, there’s nothing else you can do. Ella, she—”
She stopped speaking. I fought fucking hard not to fall at her feet and cry like a condemned man… There was nothing left for me in this fucked-up shit…
I brought my eyes back to Pietra, swallowing a lump that wouldn’t go away.
“I-I can’t go… I can’t leave her alone here…”
“Thor?”
No, God, please…
“Thor? … Thor?”
There was a fucking pressure in my chest, anguish eating me alive.
That voice… I needed it. Needed my girl. Her scent… her smile… the living brightness in her eyes… her chest moving with warm breath…
“Heithor, wake up, my love.”
I opened my eyes and found my beautiful Ella’s face.
“Hey…” she whispered calmly, running her hand over my face, and only then did I realize I was crying and breathing hard. “What is it, sweetheart? Bad dream?”
I pulled her to me, locking her in a strong embrace, my face pressed into the soft curve of her neck, breathing her in, loving the feeling of her body, her warmth…
She’s here. She’s here.
“My love, I can’t breathe,” she said.
I loosened my hold. “Sorry,” I murmured, keeping her there. I wasn’t ready to let her go yet. Fuck if I ever would be. Never.
Ella relaxed over me, and we stayed like that for a long while. Feeling her against me calmed my distress and gave me back my peace. I was centered again.
“Want to tell me about the dream?” Ella asked.
Calmer, I shook my head, swallowing hard.
“No.”
“All right,” she said softly, a smile in her voice.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart… I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she teased.
I pulled back and kissed her mouth with all the love I had in me.
“I know. That’s why I love you.”
Finally, I let her go and went to take a shower.