Wade
After one hell of a week, Friday rolled around like a storm cloud hovering over the ranch, threatening to break at any moment. Gnawing anxiety ate at my chest as I thought of all the people who were going to be stepping up in my absence.
No matter how many times my family had reassured me they could handle things for the time I’d be gone and how proud they were that I was prioritizing my mental health, I felt terrible for leaving them behind.
Telling Max and Stella I was heading to an inpatient treatment facility to get help with the aftermath of the incident had been overwhelmingly emotional.
Stella had burst out in tears, hugging me tightly as she sobbed. I’m sure pregnancy hormones were playing a part, but the raw emotion behind her tears gutted me.
I had been terrible to her over the last six months as I fought tooth and nail to place the blame on someone other than myself. I knew in my heart that she hadn’t deserved it, and once I got my head on straight, I’d make it up to her.
Max had given me a tight, back-slapping, brotherly hug, but I didn’t miss the streams of tears that tracked down his cheeks as he whispered how proud of me he was. Not a single person in the room stood a chance against the tears as they fell.
Thankfully, Charlie had already been asleep when I’d come over because after seeing her mom and dad cry, I didn’t think I could handle explaining my leaving to her in a way she would understand. I would leave that torture up to Max and Stella.
There was only one person left I needed to talk to before I could leave. I had already loaded my bags into my truck under the cover of darkness. I wanted this to be as painless as possible, so leaving in the middle of the night seemed like the best option.
Ray and I had said our goodbyes earlier in the day in a way that made sense for both of us, with our bodies and endless “I love you’s.”
There had been no rushing, no tears, just slow and meaningful sex that expressed all the words we couldn’t voice out loud.
We had poured our love into each caress and touch, promising each other in the silence that we would make it through this and come out stronger on the other side.
Shutting the door to the big house, I stood on the front porch, marveling at the view of the ranch at night.
It was still muggy, the air sticking to my skin like glue, but it had cooled down significantly as the sun retreated. Stars dotted the horizon, blinking in time with the crickets’ chirps, as if they were dancing to their nighttime song.
I leaned against one of the whitewashed posts of the porch, breathing in deeply, the warm air acting as a calming balm for my rising anxiety. I could do this—I needed to do this.
A gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the trees on the outskirts of the property, and a quiet creak sounded from beside me.
Looking to my right, I noticed the soft sway of Ma’s porch swing floating in the wind. Tendrils of breeze coasted across my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake, pushing me toward the direction I knew I needed to go.
I stepped off the front porch, avoiding the creaky last step—a force of habit I don’t think Max or I will ever break.
I walked along the well-worn dirt path that led to the barn. Before getting to the doors, I veered left, my boots knowing the way, even if I was struggling to see in the inky darkness.
To the side of the barn, there was a small pond, its edges overgrown with brush.
But beside the pond stood a tall willow tree, shading a small bench with its long-reaching branches.
The grass around the bench was meticulously maintained, and the brush directly in front of it had been cut back, allowing for a clear view across the water.
I lowered myself onto the weathered wooden slats of the bench seat, placing my hands in my lap and closing my eyes.
I listened to the soft splashes of fish cresting the surface of the pond and the frogs croaking loudly, enjoying the cooler night air; the rustle of the branches of the sturdy willow provided a space of solace from the world.
Softly, as if the universe was listening, I spoke out toward the water. “Hey, Ma.”
Looking down beside the bench, I took in the small wooden cross Pops had placed to mark where we’d laid Ma to rest.
Technically, we had scattered her ashes as she’d requested in her will, something we didn’t think we’d be using so early, but she and Pops had drawn up as a precaution many years ago.
The air had been warm and muggy just like tonight, the mood just as somber. Pops had turned one of her favorite spots on the entire property into a place of quiet reflection for all of us to have a place to remember her.
It had been a long time since I’d felt the need to come and be where I felt closest to her. Max always said the cove was where he went when he needed to be surrounded by thoughts of Ma.
This spot here, among the evening stars, the quiet breeze, and the rustling of willow branches, was where I felt like I was being wrapped in Ma’s comforting embrace.
The cove had somehow morphed from somewhere I only shared with my mom to something special to Ray and me. This spot was untainted by anyone’s memory but Ma’s.
I looked down at my hands, resting gently in my lap, and picked at the skin around my nails. It felt weird to be talking to the air, but if there was any chance she could hear me, I wanted her to know that I was thinking about her and that I carried her with me every single day.
Huffing a little laugh at how ridiculous this all seemed, I propped my elbows on my knees, letting my hands dangle limp between them. I hung my head and sighed, gathering the words to explain why, after so long, I’d finally come to visit.
“Honestly, I’m not sure what I’m even supposed to say. If I’m supposed to say anything at all.” Silence was the only response I got, but I didn’t let it deter me from saying what I needed to get off my chest.
“You always taught me to be a good man, a respectable man, a man people could rely on. Lately, Ma, I’ve been none of those men. I’m so fucking angry all the time.” Another humorless chuckle left my lips, thinking of how much she’d hated my dirty mouth.
“I know you’re probably up there scowling down at me for my language, but sorry, Ma, ya raised a cowboy, and it comes with the job.” I paused, gathering my thoughts and strength to continue.
“I’m gonna be going away for a little bit.
” I looked out at the serene water, moonlight shining on the silver ripples as the wind flowed across its surface.
“I found a really nice treatment facility in Ember Ridge. They specialize in trauma and PTSD. They’ve got doctors, therapists, and even an equine center to focus on healing after life-altering events. ”
The breeze coasted across the back of my neck, as if nestling me into its embrace.
“I need help, Ma. I can’t keep living with all of this anger. I’m lashing out at Stella, Ray, Max, even Pops. I hate myself every second of every day for the way I’ve treated them.”
I lifted my eyes to look over at the cross, wishing it was actually Ma who was seated beside me, instead of two thin wooden boards nailed together, standing stoically in the dirt.
“You raised me to be better. You raised me to be strong. Somehow along the way, I’ve forgotten what that’s like.
I know you wouldn’t be ashamed of the man I’ve become because that’s just not you, but I can feel your disappointment and desire for me to do better.
That idea hurts more than anything else ever could. ”
Twin trails of tears coasted down my cheeks as I continued. I didn’t bother to wipe them away. I needed to feel them as a reminder that there was still emotion inside of me.
“I’m gonna get better. I’m going to deal with these demons, and I’m going to come back whole. I’m going to come back as a man you can be proud of.”
As if she herself were wrapping me in a hug, the wind coasted along my arms, and the world around me seemingly ceased to exist.
“I miss you… so fucking much. You’ve missed out on some of the biggest parts of our lives, and I can’t help but be angry that you didn’t get to experience them with us.
You missed Max meeting Stella, their wedding, Charlie’s adoption, my retirement from rodeo, opening my training center, Ray and me finally telling each other we’re head over heels in love.
You would love everything about the life we have created here. ”
Finally, I used the back of my hand to wipe the tears that had fallen from my chin as I looked up toward the night sky.
“She’s been with you every step of the way.” A soft voice spoke from the shadows. I chuckled, shaking my head and turning around, taking in the sight of Ray in her sleep shorts and oversized T-shirt standing at the edge of the space.
“Sunshine, I didn’t take you for a stalker,” I joked.
She rolled her eyes as she came to stand between my knees, taking my hands tightly in hers.
“I came over here because I had a feeling you were going to try to leave without a proper goodbye.”
“I said my goodbyes yesterday. I’m trying to make this as painless as possible for everyone involved.”
She released one of my hands, tilting my chin up to look at her. The moon highlighted her raven hair, and I didn’t miss the tears streaming down her cheeks that mirrored my own.
“Wade, nothing about this is going to be painless. It’s going to hurt like hell. But sometimes you need to walk through fire to come out the other side.”
Her thumb traced over the scruff on my chin before she softly leaned down, pulling my head to rest between her breasts and resting her cheek on top of my head. She wound her arms around my shoulders and held me gently against her, letting her strength pour into me.
“She’d be proud of you. No matter how much you tell yourself that you’re not the man she raised.
You are. It takes a strong man, especially a cowboy, to admit that he needs help.
Penny Daniels raised two of the strongest men I know, and she would be damn proud of you if she were standing here today. ”
I could feel the tears soaking through her shirt as her words hit their mark. She held me to her until the tear tracks dried, leaving a tightness across my cheeks.
When my breathing had finally evened out, I leaned back and pulled her down for a soft kiss.
“Walk me to the truck?” I asked against her soft lips, and I could feel the small tilt of a smile as she rewarded me with another gentle kiss.
We walked hand in hand back to the big house, the silence neither oppressive nor stilted as we both prepared for the goodbye we didn’t want but knew needed to happen.
I knew that neither of us wanted to make a scene, so as I opened the door to my truck, readying myself to take off, I turned around and gathered her into a tight hug.
I felt the tension in her shoulders relax as she melted into my embrace. Pulling back slightly, I cupped the side of her neck and pulled her in for a deep kiss. There was nothing hurried about the languid strokes of our tongues as we poured our emotions into each other.
Ray was the first to pull back, pressing one last soft kiss to my swollen lips as she pushed on my chest to extricate herself from my hold. I stole one last peck and shot her a small smile as I climbed up into the truck.
My engine roared to life as I turned the key, putting the address of the treatment center into the navigation. Two hours. It would take two hours to get to where I was hopeful my new beginning waited.
As I backed out of the makeshift parking lot beside the house and turned toward the exit of the ranch, I chanced a glance in the rearview mirror. Ray stood on the porch, leaning against the same post I had been earlier, as she raised a hand in a soft wave, tears shining on her cheeks.
I heaved one gigantic sigh as I crossed under the D&D Ranch sign and headed toward healing the parts of me that were so heavily broken.