Chapter Fourteen
I was drifting into unknown territory. I was a vessel of emotions. Big emotions. Scary emotions. Tantalising emotions. Yearning emotions.
After the film ended, Abel had squeezed my knee in a … brotherly way? Yes. I’d never had a brother, but it was probably brotherly. Then he’d left to sort a few things for the morning and I’d gone back to the cabin.
I didn’t know what was going to happen. I knew something in me had shifted and the final threads of the control I usually had were gone.
I didn’t understand what was going on with my head.
Nor what was going on inside Abel. He was a lovely man – I shouldn’t interpret anything inappropriately.
Even though I knew I’d already started interpreting things inappropriately.
And there was that girl – Tessie. Part of me thought I should find out if Tessie was his girlfriend.
But another part of me knew it wasn’t my business, and to even ask would be so forward and presumptive and unnecessary.
Abel was simply encouraging me to be brave.
And had celebrated the fact that I’d stepped out of my comfort zone. That was all. Simple. Kind. Unromantic.
It was after ten p.m. and I should have been asleep, but I was wired and my brain was a scramble. Abel’s bed was still made from the morning and his backpack was on top, half opened. The brown notebook had been pulled out and was visible underneath a pair of black hiking gloves.
I was curious as ever. Maybe it wasn’t hate poetry after all. Maybe it was love letters to his girlfriend.
In the last forty-eight hours, the view I’d had of this surly man had spun a full one-eighty. He probably wrote soft and delicate words that made his Tessie weep with longing. Where was Tessie, I wondered? Who was the girl who had captured the heart of this magnificent man?
A strange ache formed in my chest and I contemplated picking up his mandolin book, but even that felt like overstepping. Besides, I wasn’t a reader.
Nor was my exam going to be passed by staring vacantly around my cabin. I pulled out my textbook and began reading over the same text I’d been trying to digest only two nights ago. The words swam in front of me and I scolded my poor concentration. Study seemed like another world. Another me.
When the door knob twisted, my heart betrayed me and gave a delighted rush.
Abel regarded me with a half smile. ‘You’re so disciplined.’
‘No, I’m not. I’m so distractible. And so going to fail my exam.’
‘You’ll be fine. I have complete confidence in you.’ His tone was matter-of-fact and sincere. ‘But you need to give yourself a break sometimes too. Is it flowing?’
I scoffed. ‘Not exactly.’
‘Have the night off then. Have the whole week off.’ He sat himself on the edge of my bed like it was his space too and we were the closest of friends. Was he always this familiar with people? ‘In a couple of days, this will all be over and you’ll be in the quiet of your house. Leave it till then.’
I gave a strangled laugh, thinking about Vivian’s ‘Granny Flat’ and her wind chimes. I’d managed not to think about my housing situation for most of the last two days. ‘I haven’t been in an ideal study situation since Felix and I broke up.’
‘What do you mean? You kicked him out, right?’
‘Felix is the laziest person I’ve ever known. If I’d asked him to leave, we would continue living together for another twelve months while he brought home a steady stream of new lovers.’
‘He is such a dick.’ Abel looked genuinely disgusted. ‘So where are you living?’
I explained to him about Vivian’s and her dogs, and the girl next door on the trampoline and the whole shitty rest of it.
His expression turned more and more worried and it occurred to me afresh just how ridiculous my situation was. Maybe it wasn’t just me and my annoying cleanliness standards and sleeping problems. Maybe this really was a less than ideal state of affairs.
‘Mary.’
My stomach did that thing again. ‘It’s fine.’ I waved a hand and averted my gaze. I was dizzy from him. ‘I’m just going to keep looking when I’m back. I’ll find something affordable.’
‘Where are your family?’ he asked softly.
I was usually so practical and I was going to solve this in a practical way, not wallow about, feeling sorry for myself. But for some weird reason, with all the emotions I’d had since being on this trip, I felt off balance.
‘They’re—’ My throat tightened. What was happening to me? ‘They’re in Sydney,’ I managed, needing to swallow the thickness in my throat to maintain my composure. ‘My mum.’ I willed my voice to stay steady. ‘My baby sister and my little niece and nephews.’
‘Mary.’
The soft way in which he spoke was too much, too kind, and my emotions threatened again. ‘I’m sorry. That stupid movie of yours, Abel!’ I tried to laugh, but my eyes were prickling. ‘Getting me all wet-eyed and emotional.’
He picked up my hand between both of his. ‘You miss them?’
I nodded, my eyes brimming. This was so unlike me. ‘Yes.’ A tear spilled over and I swiped it away with irritation. ‘My sister especially. And her kids.’
‘What’s your sister’s name?’
‘Ebony.’ My voice wobbled and I cleared my throat to steady it. ‘She’s like a little pixie. Perfect. Funny. Wonderful.’
I thought of Ebony and her wicked smile and her unwavering sense of humour.
How my heart had always ached for her, to keep her safe and protected from all the sadness in the world.
From a mum who couldn’t care for us properly.
How I wished I could throw my arms around her right then.
I took a deep lungful of air to steady myself and I felt his hands tighten around mine.
‘And you came to Hobart just with Felix?’
‘We needed to.’ I swallowed again and my emotions started to settle. ‘For our training. Well. I don’t think he cares too much about his training. But I’m hoping to get my fellowship as soon as I can and I needed this term. Hobart met all the requirements.’
He was nodding. My hand still in his. Warm and comforting.
‘I’m usually very grounded by my work. I love my work.
And knowing that I’m getting closer each day to moving home helps me.
But this whole thing with Felix has been really destabilising.
And finding a new place to live while being stretched for finances when I was already really stretched is a big bump in the plan. ’
‘Are you close to your mum? Would she come visit you? Support you?’
I hesitated. Mum was difficult to talk about.
With anyone else, I would have found a diversion at this point to steer the conversation into safer territory, but somehow I felt myself wanting to continue.
‘We’re close … but not quite in the conventional mother–daughter dynamic.
I love my mum, but she’s got a lot of issues, and change is often her catalyst for things unravelling.
We always try to keep things as even as possible for her.
She struggles with her mental health … and alcohol. ’
I tentatively met his eye to see if there would be any shock or judgement, but saw only compassion. His thumb drew circles on my hand.
‘She’s a good person.’ I felt I needed to explain before he started imaging some bedraggled alcoholic. ‘And she did a great job with her life. And as best she could with us. But it’s not been easy for her and I’m always holding my breath for when things fall apart again.’
‘And your dad?’
‘I don’t know. He has another family now. He left when I was little and Ebony was barely out of nappies. He’s never been a part of our lives.’
Abel seemed to digest all of this like it was the background to a story he’d been trying to understand. ‘That’s why you’re cautious?’
‘I guess so.’
‘It all feels fragile, doesn’t it?’
I took a deep breath and held it. It was steady and calming as it left my body. ‘Yes,’ I said eventually. ‘It does.’
‘And Felix has basically left you to find your way on the streets, in an unknown town, with no supports.’ His features had become dark. Angry. ‘What a fucking arsehole.’
I groaned. ‘It’s not all Felix’s fault. He’s … who he is. I chose to be with him.’
‘Why did you?’
The question hit me right in the guts. It was so direct, I don’t think I’d ever been asked it before. Yet there was something so gentle in the way Abel seemed to want to understand me that I found myself trying to answer.
‘It’s kind of embarrassing to say, but I think I got pulled into the feeling of someone wanting me.
My dad obviously didn’t. My mum didn’t have the capacity for anyone, really.
And I’ve spent my whole life trying to be strong for Ebony that I think I’ve become very guarded and distant from people in general.
That’s what my high school counsellor helped me understand; I’d come to accept I’d never be a person anyone could get close to.
And then Felix came along, and even at our most dysfunctional, I think part of me fell for that feeling of closeness, of someone wanting me.
I could almost think I was someone worth being with. ’
The magnitude of what I’d just said shocked me.
I don’t think I’d ever voiced that, not since the counsellor in high school.
Psychology sessions hadn’t been part of my ongoing budget.
‘I’m sorry. That’s probably a hell of a lot more than you wanted to hear right now.
’ I tried for a laugh to lighten the mood.
Abel was quiet for a moment, then said, ‘Mary. You couldn’t be more worthy of being with.’ His face was pained. ‘You’re a person of such better quality than he is. He shouldn’t have done this to you.’
‘But he can’t help it. He’s flamboyant and lively and I’m … ridiculously boring.’ I almost laughed. ‘I basically invited him to seek out more interesting things.’
‘Is that how he justified his behaviour?’ Abel’s lip curled with disgust.
‘He’s alluded to that in the past. When he’s cheated before. I’ve assumed it’s mostly been my fault because I wasn’t adventurous enough or spontaneous enough.’
‘Mary. Stop.’
‘Or sexy enough.’
‘Stop.’ He squeezed my hands and the sharpness in his eyes was arresting.
I let myself sink into the safe embrace of his gaze. I could see his jaw working and his breathing was heavy with frustration.
Eventually, he settled and just shook his head slightly wearily. ‘You have no idea, do you?’
‘What?’
‘How—’ He pressed his lips together then seemed to dismiss whatever it was he’d been about to say. ‘Are you … cut up about it?’
‘About Felix?’
He nodded.
I puffed the air into my cheeks, trying to work out what I was feeling.
Too many things. ‘To be honest, my perspective has changed over the last few weeks. In the past, I’ve been drawn back in, almost addicted to that feeling of closeness we shared.
But I’m seeing it for what it really was now and more than anything, I’m left feeling stupid.
And I’ve lost all trust in my judgement.
Letting Felix in was an error in my judgement.
Yeah, he’s a dick, but I was the one who let him in and I’m responsible for being left like this.
Which means I have no trust in myself and my decisions.
Attraction is dangerous and I need to be more careful.
Better not to let anyone in in the first place is the take-home message. ’
Abel looked crushed and I realised how dramatic and pessimistic I sounded.
‘But I’m okay. Really. I’m having a surprisingly nice time out here, actually.
In the wilds. And you’re … well.’ I felt my heart give a little kick, like a baby in its mother’s belly.
‘You’re wonderful, Abel. Sorry. I know I shouldn’t say that.
But, really, I think you’re the loveliest person I’ve known. ’
He grabbed me. Pulled me to him, to his broad, nurturing chest, and wrapped both arms around me so I was pressed against him.
Like I was small and precious and worth protecting.
Worth holding, and rocking, and caring for.
I listened to the sound of his heart beating in my ear, storing it in my memory.
Maybe my happiness was my responsibility and no one else could be relied on. But Abel … well, if you were going to imagine a person you could ever depend on, it would be someone just like him.