36. Claire
36
CLAIRE
“Are you nervous?”
I nod and blow out a slow breath. I’m naked from the waist down and wrapped in some sort of bedsheet, plus it’s cold in here. Why is it so cold in here?
“Yeah. I’m nervous.”
“Me too.”
I smirk at Mabel. “What are you nervous for?”
“I mean, I’m kind of the daddy in this scenario, so that’s nerve-wracking enough as it is. Plus, I was curious and did an internet search on what to expect. That doctor is going to shove some kind of dildo-shaped camera up your vag.” She throws her hand over her mouth. “Sorry if you didn’t know. Surprise!”
“I know,” I tell her, flaring my eyes. “They told me when I made the appointment.”
“Do you get to find out the sex today? I think if it’s a girl, you should name it Mabel.”
“Not today. It’s too early.” I smile and grab her hand. “Thank you for coming so last minute. I just...” I shrug. “I got scared, I guess.”
“Thank you for asking me to come.” She squeezes my fingers and lowers her voice. “Have you talked to him at all?"
“Not since I left Amsterdam.” I purse my lips and shake my head, a mixture of anger and hurt swell in my chest. “Not for lack of trying, though. I’ve texted and called. Nothing. ”
“Damn.” Mabel drags concerned, sympathetic eyes over my face. “For what it’s worth, from what I’ve heard, he’s not back to his usual bullshit. He’s spent the last two and a half weeks with Sav at her place in North Carolina.” She pulls out her phone, scrolls, then holds up a picture. “They took him kayaking.”
I can’t help but smile. He looks happy. He’s grinning in a two-person kayak with Brynn and wearing a blue life jacket. My heart hurts. I want to see that grin in real life, but he “needed a break.”
I try not to dwell on the fact that I don’t know how long his “break” will last, or how angry I am that he’s found me so easy to discard. For all his blustering of love, he certainly doesn’t seem to be able to forgive my past. It didn’t take much convincing for him to believe the worst of me, either.
Why are you here?
Is it the money?
Maybe he thought he loved me, but if that love is conditional, I don’t want it.
“Are you going to tell him?”
I blink out of my thoughts, look back at Mabel, and nod.
“Yeah,” I say on an exhale. “He deserves to know.”
But I just keep hearing his voice over and over.
I’m glad I don’t have kids.
I’m glad I don’t have kids.
I’m glad I don’t have kids.
I’m not looking forward to telling him, but I know it’s something I have to do, even if just the idea of it makes my stomach churn. How will I convince him that I didn’t do this on purpose? I don’t want his money. This isn’t some nefarious plan to trap him or whatever other bullshit his father has him believing.
God, this is such a mess, but I almost want to laugh. He did say he’d want to know.
You want to get knocked up and take me for all I’m worth? I don’t care. I just want to know.
Well, I’d definitely let him know if he’d just return a fucking text.
Asshole.
“You don’t have to answer this if it’s too personal, but...” She drops her voice lower. “Are you going to keep it? ”
“Honestly?” I chew on my lip and fidget with my fingers, then I shrug. “I don’t know yet. I just...I don’t know that I trust myself as a mom. It’s never been something I wanted. And Jonah...he’s so...”
I drop my head in my hands, visions of that last day in the hotel swarming my mind. I’d left within the hour. He didn’t want me there anymore, and it wouldn’t be good for him if I tried to stay. I had so much hope after talking to Macon, but hope’s never gotten me anywhere but hopeless.
“He’s so volatile, Mabel. I can’t expect anything from him. And as much as I want to, as much as I’ve tried to, I don’t even know if I can trust him. I’ve been trying to convince myself that this wasn’t a mistake...but what if it was?”
Fuck, what if it was?
She nods. “I get that. I do. I think you’d be a great mom, though.”
“Sure.” I snort a laugh. “No offense, but you haven’t known me that long.”
“True, but I watched what you did for Jonah play out in real time, Claire. I know for a fact it wasn’t easy. There’s something to be said for that.”
“I mean...how much of that was because I was sleeping with him, though?”
Mabel rolls her eyes with a grin.
“Shut up. You single-handedly whipped his ass into shape and rehabbed his image in the media. When he canceled on the children’s hospital, tabloids actually believed he had food poisoning; when six months ago, they all would have been speculating it was drug-related. That was all you. To accomplish something like that, you have to be determined and compassionate. You have to be a problem-solver and have empathy.” She shrugs. “I don’t know, babe. I think that means you’d be a pretty kick-ass mom.”
“Thanks,” I whisper. Tears sting my eyes, and I wipe them away quickly with a laugh. “Sorry. I’ve been such a crybaby lately.”
“Hormones are a bitch.”
“Yeah. Anyway, let’s just get through this appointment, okay? For all I know, it’s not even a viable pregnancy.”
I try to stay neutral about it, but it’s hard. I can’t even meet Mabel’s eyes. I’ve gone through every possible emotion leading up to this appointment, and the only consistent one has been fear.
I could have miscarried. It could be nonviable. Or I could be really, truly pregnant.
At this moment, sitting half-naked in a sterile, unfamiliar doctor’s office, I honestly don’t know which is more terrifying.
I don’t have a job. I don’t have a family. I don’t even have a partner to help me through this. I’m alone, and even my lowest low points in life don’t compare to this. I was alone when my eating disorder was at its worst, but I was also the only person to worry about. I had no one depending on me. It’s different now. So very different.
I tried to prepare myself for all outcomes. I thought I was ready, but I woke up early this morning and realized that I wasn’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t know what I want or what I’ll do. I don’t know anything.
The only certainties in this moment are that I am terrified, and I am so grateful Mabel answered my 2 a.m. text.
A knock on the door has us both turning toward it.
“Come in,” I call, and it opens to reveal a woman I’ve not met. I raise my hand awkwardly and smile. “Hi.”
“Hi, Ms. Davis.” She crosses the room and offers me her hand. “I’m Dr. Giles. It’s nice to meet you.” She turns to Mabel and shakes her hand too. “Are you emotional support today?”
“Life partner, but unfortunately not the daddy.”
I laugh as Mabel grins.
“Well, congratulations to you both!” Mabel sends me a wink that has me rolling my eyes as Dr. Giles washes her hands. “So, it looks like you’re almost nine weeks along. Is that right?”
“Yeah, that’s what they tell me.”
Dr. Giles scrolls on a tablet. “We were able to get records from the hospital in Cardiff. It looks like you’d had a fall from dehydration and dizziness.” She looks up at me. “Have you been having any trouble with that since?”
“No. I’ve been making sure to stay very hydrated. Switched up my diet so I’m eating all the nutrient-rich foods, and I’m taking prenatal vitamins.”
Just saying the words has me swelling with pride. It’s been a much easier transition than I was worried it would be. I know it’s not like this for everyone. Restarting my therapy sessions with Dr. Clay has helped immensely. She says I’m likely doing well because my concern and attention is on the pregnancy instead of myself. I still have a long way to go, but this is something.
Dr. Giles asks me about any symptoms I’ve been having. No real nausea, but extreme fatigue, some weird cravings, and really lucid, abstract dreams. The questions have me feeling good. Everything is normal. I’m doing a great job. But when the ultrasound tech comes in, guilt starts to creep in.
Jonah should be here for this.
I should have just told him through text. It’s a delicate topic, and at the time, I didn’t want to spring it on him like that, but now I’m worrying that I was wrong.
There’s no guarantee he’d even want to be here, but he should have at least had the option. Instead, I kept it from him.
“Hey.” Mabel puts a hand on my arm. “You okay? You freaking out?”
I shrug, fighting off more tears. “I feel bad. I feel like he should be here. Like, I should have just told him through text or something.”
She smiles softly. “I can record it?”
That perks me up a little. “Yeah. Yeah, thanks. That would be great.”
The tech introduces herself and explains what she’s going to do. I take a deep breath and reach for Mabel’s hand.
“Okay. I’m ready.”
She turns on a monitor, rolls what looks like a giant condom down the ultrasound wand, and then she does what she said she was going to do. It’s...weird. I’m uncomfortable. But when she turns the monitor to me, all of that disappears.
“There you go,” the tech says with a smile.
I stare at the screen, a strange tingling sensation spreading over my body. It’s not a sesame seed anymore. I read it’s the size of a strawberry now. The tech says it’s looking right on track for a nine-week fetus, and I just...
I can’t look away.
I start to cry again, a mixture of sadness and awe. Jonah should be here. Even if I’m mad at him, he should be seeing this, too. This tiny product of Madrid. The thoughts overwhelm me. Everything is so overwhelming, and my tears fall faster.
Then Mabel squeezes my hand.
“One time, when I was in, like, second grade, my hamster had babies. It looks kind of like that.”
The tech and I both start laughing, and I look at Mabel.
“Thank you,” I whisper, and she winks at me.
“I got you.”
I believe her.
I feel like I have someone in my corner, and words can’t express just what that means to me. I look back at the monitor, blinking away more tears so I can see the screen clearly, and place my free hand on my stomach.
It’s going to be okay, little strawberry.
We’re going to be okay.