43. Vivienne
Vivienne
As Cassian strokes my hair, holding me against his warm chest, I want to hear him say that I should marry him instead, that he’ll take Landon’s place. That he’ll step in and give me a way out. But as he continues to stay silent, the truth sinks like a boulder in my gut.
Cass isn’t going to offer anything. He’ll hold me while I cry, he’ll tell me what he thinks I should do, and he’ll play with my emotions until I’m too wrung out to care anymore, but he won’t actually put up a fight for me. He’d rather stay on my family’s good side than be with me.
The realization hurts, but the sting of it is numbed by the number of times we’ve had this conversation. Maybe I’ve finally reached a place of accepting that I will never be to Cass what he is to me.
I force myself to step away from him, even though his arms are the only place worth being. Chills flood my body as I lose his warmth, and I wrap my arms around myself. “I should go,” I say.
“Vivvy.” One look at his face, and fresh pain floods my heart. He looks the way I feel, as if he’s barely holding it together. “What are you going to do?”
I remind myself to be strong. Wilsons don’t back down in the face of difficulties. “What do you mean, what am I going to do? I’m going to marry Landon.”
His eyes narrow into slits, and his jaw grows rigid in the faint glow of the terrace lights. “After everything we just talked about, you’re still going through with this?”
“What about our conversation changed anything?”
Shoving a hand through his hair, he gazes off into the distance, as if the answer to my question lies out on the moor. After several beats, he looks back at me, his eyes cold. “You deserve so much better, Vivvy.”
I burrow deeper into my coat. “Unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of time to wait for someone better. If I don’t get out from under my father’s control, I’m not sure there will be much of me left.”
“Why won’t you even consider standing up to him? You’ve been running yourself ragged these past few weeks, schooling Rhya and planning your wedding to a guy who cheats on you. When are you going to take control of your own life?”
Tears burn at the corners of my eyes. “What’s it going to take for you to understand that this is my life? You don’t get to decide what I do,” I say, my voice growing in pitch and volume. “You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be a pa—”
“That’s not true,” Cass growls.
“No, you’re right. You’d like to remain in it just enough to pass judgment.”
“That’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair is you telling me to stand up to my father when you don’t have the courage to do the same thing,” I yell.
He stares at me as if he’s not seeing me. When he speaks, his voice is low and unsettled. “What are you talking about?”
“Come on, Cass.” I spread my palms, and raindrops dance on them. “You say you want to be with me, but you’re too scared of my family to do anything about it.”
“I never said I was scared,” he bites out.
I tuck my hands back into my pockets and shift my gaze to the stone beneath my feet. It’s easier than looking into his eyes. “What would you call it?”
He steps closer, bringing his boots into my field of vision. “I said I can’t give you the life you deserve.”
“And yet you’re willing to let me marry Landon.”
“No I’m fucking not, goddamnit.”
At the fury in his tone, I lift my head. I’ve never seen him so mad before. Instead of scaring me, it invigorates me. Maybe he’s ready to fight for something after all. “What are you going to do about it?”
He waits two heartbeats, then he reaches out and crushes me against him. My body thrills at the contact, at being this close to him again. Pushing a hand into my soaked hair, he angles my head and gazes down into my eyes.
I part my lips in anticipation, and he tracks the movement. When I stick the tip of my tongue out to lick them, a groan emerges from the depths of his chest.
“Vivvy,” he breathes out. “You’re going to kill me.”
He lowers his head, and joy ricochets through my chest as I rise up to meet him. His lips claim mine, and it should be a crime how long I’ve lived without kissing Cassian Cordero.
As he tightens his grip on my hair, pain shoots through my skull, heightening the pleasure I find in his mouth. His tongue glides along mine, and I let out a tiny whimper. He drags me closer, and I wind my hands around his neck and arch my body up toward him.
I press against his erection, and he moans into my mouth. The hand that isn’t pulling my hair slides down to my ass and yanks it tighter against him. “You’re mine,” he says as he breaks off the kiss. “Don’t you ever forget that for a single second.”
He presses his lips to mine again, but the passion slowly leaks out of me like air from a deflated balloon. I don’t feel like his, not even a little bit. I want to be, but the truth is, nothing has changed. He’s still unwilling to give us a shot.
When it feels like my heart can’t take another second, I pull back. He retains his hold on me, a question in his eyes.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper, doing my best to put distance between us, but I don’t think he even notices, he’s holding me so tightly. “You can’t keep playing with my heart like this, Cass.”
The truth hits him like a grenade, and his hands fall away from my body at once. He sags under the weight of reality. It pulls his shoulders down, and his eyes and mouth follow, drooping as he struggles to come to grips with it. “Vivvy, I—”
“Goodbye, Cass.” I turn and head for the stables before he can stop me. Once I’m off the terrace, I shift into a run, the rain doing its best to blind me, but I could find my way to Rhya with my eyes closed.
I hear Cass call my name, but there are no footsteps vibrating through the ground, so it’s safe to assume he isn’t following me.
I punch the code into the keypad with wet fingers, and the door unlocks with a click.
When I step inside, I’m greeted by the scent of hay.
Several horses whinny in greeting, and I take the time to stop at each of their stalls for a pet on the nose.
Rhya looks at me with those chocolate-brown eyes as if she knows exactly what happened. A sob works its way into my throat, and I shut myself into her stall before it breaks free. I bury my face in her neck and let the tears fall.
This is the second time I’ve cried against her in a few days’ time. What must she think of me, always sobbing on her shoulder? “I’m sorry, girl,” I tell her. “I’ve been terrible company lately, haven’t I?”
She nudges my pocket, looking for her treat.
“Sorry, I don’t have anything with me. I wasn’t exactly planning to come out here.”
Lifting her head, she snorts her disapproval.
I stroke her strong sides, taking comfort in the fact that at least my horse will always choose me, even if I’m not enough for everyone else in my life. “I love you,” I murmur. “Do you want to get out of here?”
Her only answer is a flick of her ears.
I grab her saddle and hoist it onto her back. Within minutes, we’re ready to go, and I lead her to the pasture door. Thunder rumbles overhead, but I don’t care. I need to fly across the heath with Rhya, to feel like I stand a chance at escaping everything fighting to keep me down.
Rhya isn’t put off by the weather. She’s endured far worse over the years, and even though it’s not the safest choice to ride in the rain, there are worse things. And right now, anywhere away from Cassian Cordero feels like a good choice.
As Rhya and I take off across the pasture, I wonder what he is doing right now.
Stalking back and forth in the kitchen and wondering how he can get me to change my mind?
Calling up Landon and telling him we kissed to get back at him?
Finding a way to sabotage the wedding so at least he can keep me from getting married?
Deep down, I know he isn’t doing any of those things. If anything, he’s got a fire going and a cup of tea ready for me as he paces in front of the window, waiting for me to return.
Which means the only thing to do is stay out long enough for him to give up and go to bed.
Because if he’s still up when I get back, I don’t know what I’ll do, but whatever it is, it won’t be good.
Whether I lash out at him or throw myself into his arms, the outcome will be the same.
This gaping hole in my chest will only grow wider.
Rhya’s hooves fly over the slick grass with ease.
Years of competition have taught her sure footing.
The wind whips against my face, and my tears feel frozen halfway down my cheeks, but I don’t care.
My wet clothes are trapped against my body, and the rush of cold air sends a chill through my bones that will take more than a fire and a hot drink to eradicate, but I don’t stop.
We race over the moor, over clumps of heather and gorse-bushes, past lightning-struck trees lifting bare branches to the sky, flanking naked cliff faces grown gray with age. A flash splits the sky in half. Rhya spooks and side-steps.
I reach down to pat her neck. “It’s okay, girl. You got this,” I say.
It happens so suddenly, I don’t even realize we’re going down until I’m on the ground, my horse lying next to me in the mud.
“Rhya!” I scream over the howl of the wind. Clambering over to her, I search her body for injury. Nothing is obvious in the dark, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t serious. “Rhya, baby.” I bury my face in her mane and pray that she’s all right.
She snorts, and relief surges through me. If she’s still able to be sarcastic, she can’t be hurt too badly.
“Come on, girl,” I say, getting to my feet and tugging on the reins. “Can you stand up?”
She doesn’t even budge. I try again several times, but she seems determined to stay in the mud. I sink down beside her and cover my face with my hands. If she’s dangerously injured because of me, I’ll never forgive myself.
“What are we going to do?” I moan. The wind answers with a howl, and for the first time, I realize how cold I’ve become. My fingers are numb as I pull my phone from my pocket, and it takes several tries before I can even unlock the screen.
Cass answers on the first ring.
“Viv, where are you?” Panic laces his voice, and I wonder if I was right about him waiting by the window.
I gulp back a sob. “It’s Rhya. We’re out on the heath, and she fell.”
“I’ll be right there.”