Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Gavin
There’s a place in Hollywood that overlooks the hills on Mulholland Drive.
It’s so peaceful there, to watch the sunrise and the sunset.
It’s the most beautiful thing you could ever see.
To watch the dawning of a new day, a fresh start.
It was kind of spiritual, not that I was spiritual at all, but it was pretty amazing.
I’d never thought of a sunrise like that.
Or even the sunset. A sunset was the end of a shitty day, where you kicked back and went to sleep, to wake up and everything was new…
only it wasn't. The same problems were still there, staring you in the face, but like everything, it was how you handled them. Of course, I didn’t handle shit, I just let my problems escalate instead.
I’d seen many sunrises since I’d come to Los Angeles, usually when I’d been pissed, or came home with my tail between my legs because I’d had a shit night at the casino.
Luckily though, I hadn’t lost everything, unlike last year back at home, probably because I hadn’t got anything to bet with.
Other than the clothes on my back, there wasn’t anything worth gambling with, and I wasn’t losing my car this time. I guess I had some resilience.
As I sat on the dusty ground and watched the sun as it lowered behind the hills, my mind went straight to Karen.
Would she like to sit here and watch the sunset?
Why do I not even know the answer to that question?
I bet she would, being a photographer and all.
Fuck, I’m a dipshit. I’d been so set on making it all about sex and so scared of being more intimate, that I didn’t even know the simplest of things about her.
Other than the colour of her hair, the blue of her eyes and the pink of her cheeks when she blushed, and of course the way she kissed me so delicately with her rosebud lips, I knew practically nothing.
“You’re such a wanker.” I said out loud.
It’s a good job there was no fucker around, they’d think I was going crazy.
A sigh slipped through my lips as my mind went into overdrive.
I could lose her over this. I might never get to hear her voice again, look into her beautiful eyes.
Why? Because I let fear control me. I’m almost twenty-fucking-eight, it was time to grow the fuck up.
I looked out, and noticed that the sun had disappeared, and a pinkish hue blended with the dusk that was falling.
I smiled as I took out my phone. Just something as simple as a horizon made me think of Karen.
It made me want to bring her here, hold her in my arms, and just looked out.
She was my future.
I was going to have a child. Fuck. I was going to be a dad, responsible for another human. Someone that could look up to me and be happy with me as his dad. Not like me, who hated his life.
And like an epiphany, I saw everything so much clearer. I needed Karen by my side, I needed to show her that I wanted to make a go of things.
I turned on my camera and flipped my phone around. The sky and the hills came into view on the screen and I clicked a few times.
My hands dropped to either side of me and as I pushed myself up from the ground, I dusted my jeans off and started back up the hill.
Now I was sober, I could drive. I jumped in the first passing cab and made it back to mine in ten minutes.
I unlocked my car, and like I was on auto-pilot, I headed in one direction. The only place I needed to be.
Once I’d parked, I jogged to the main door and pressed the buzzer for her apartment. It rang out twice before it was picked up. I didn’t know what reception I was walking into, but I was ready to take on the chin whatever Karen wanted to give me, I just hoped she take me back.
“Hello.” My shoulders sank though when it was Holly’s voice I heard and not Karen’s.
“Holly, it’s Gav.”
“What do you want?”
“Is Karen there?” I directed my frown at the speaker, stupid fucking question.
“She’s sleeping.” That’s it? I thought. “Gav, you’ve upset her enough for one day, go home.”
“I need to talk to her.” Fuck me. “Can you see if she’s awake, please?”
“Erm… no.”
“Why not?” My hands braced against the wall as I spoke into the speaker.
“Because she’s devastated. She needs to sleep.
” Silence fell between us, “What are you even doing here anyway? Come to break her heart some more?” I had nothing to say to that.
Instead, I shifted off to the side and pressed my back to the wall.
“Gav?” I ignored Holly. I didn't need to be told that I was a wanker. I’d done this, I had no one else to blame but me.
The back of my head hit the wall with a dull thud and my eyes closed.
I stayed like that for what felt like minutes until I pushed off the wall and started back across the car park for my car.
Once I was back behind the wheel, I drove to my place in complete silence; no music, just me and my thoughts. I should’ve expected Holly to give me what for. What the fuck was I thinking?
My feet dragged as I let myself into my apartment and through to the kitchen.
I grabbed a beer from the fridge, twisted the cap off and threw it across the counter.
I watched it skim the surface as I lifted the bottle to my lips and gulped down a good amount.
As I took it away, I sighed with frustration.
I needed to speak to her. I had to get her when she was on her own, without Holly around.
I took my phone from my pocket and opened my messages. Her name stood out; I knew I had to try.
Hey. Are you ok? I know, stupid question. I did drop by but Holly wouldn’t let me in. Shit, this is fucked up, K.
I hit send. I probably could’ve worded that better I thought to myself as I left my phone on the couch next to me.
I glugged down more beer. As I drank, I wondered if she’d even forgive me for this.
I’d finally found someone, and being the wanker that I am, it looked like I’d done what I did best and already thrown it down the drain. Fucking idiot!
With the last of the beer in my mouth, I got up for another.
As I passed through the lounge, and into the hallway to the kitchen, I nearly jumped from my skin when the front door knocked.
“Who’s is it?” I called out grumpily as I double backed to the front door.
I grasped the handle and the smallest flicker of hope that it could be Karen, sparked in my chest. Maybe Karen came to me?
I thought as I turned the lock and pressed on the handle, when I opened it though, my shoulders dropped with disappointment when I saw Nikki. “Oh, it’s you.’
“Jesus.” she stepped through the door, “I’m not overjoyed to be here either you know, and by the looks of your miserable face, I won’t keep you for long.”
“Whatever.” I said, already walking away and back to where I was going before she knocked the door. “I thought you were someone else.”
“Let me guess…you thought I was Emma Stone maybe?”
Once I’d grabbed my second bottle of beer, I skimmed the bottle cap across the counter to join the other one and frowned at Nik. “Or maybe you thought it was a little blonde piece, about this high…” her hand moved out to her side to estimate Karen’s height, “am I warm?”
“She doesn’t want to talk to me.” I swigged a mouthful of beer and swallowed.
“Roman told me what happened.” A sad smile tightened her lips as she took a seat.
“Of course he did. He's a little bitch.” I grumbled.
“A little bitch that loves you like a brother.” My eyes met Nikki’s.
“I know.” I agreed. After our little heart to heart, I knew she was right. He wouldn’t put up my shit otherwise.
“Why are you here?” I asked sincerely, because I had no idea what to make of it.
“I came to make sure you’re okay?”
“Me? Why? I thought you’d be loving seeing me so miserable?”
“Gav, did we not say we were going to be friends?” I nodded, “Well, friends check on their friends. What happened when you went to see her?”
“She was asleep, I saw her friend, Holly. She reminded me a little bit of you, to be honest. She wouldn’t let me in, said she was sleeping and that I’d upset her enough.”
“Sounds like my kind of girl. I like her.” her lips tightened into a smirk, but I didn’t have it in me to smile or even summon up a comeback.
Instead, I glugged down more beer until there was only a gulp left at the bottom.
“Do you love her?” I took the bottle slowly away, my mouth gaped open as I my gaze settled on Nikki’s.
“Come on, Gav, don’t get shy on me now. Do you love her?
Is she worth the chase?” My brows came together at her question.
“What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing this for?” I said as I lifted the bottle to my lips and drained it, then slammed it down on the table. then left the empty on the table.
“And you could do without that, too.” She rose from the chair and came to stand in front of me.
“Are you fucking serious? You’re gonna lecture me?”
“Yes. Look, if you want to be with her; her and your baby, you need to man the fuck up. Pull up your big boy pants and go prove it to her. Show her you’ve changed.”
“Why are you doing this?” My chin lifted as I shrugged.
“Because as much as you’re a cock most of the time, I can’t stand to see you like this. And I believe you have changed. She did that. She’s managed to bring that human part out of you, and if someone can change your thinking then I’m all for it. You deserve that at least.”
“I thought you’d be the last person to be helping me.”
Her head tilted at me, “I’d rather fight with you as a friend than lose you altogether.” A small smile tugged at my lips for the first time in two days. “You ever tell anyone I said that and I’ll chop your balls off.”
“Have a beer with me?” I ask her, smiling.
“And anyway, you were right, I can do so much better than you.” I frowned at her words as a know-it-all grin stretched wide across her face, even her eyes smiled.
I’ve never heard Nikki give a compliment, out unless it’s been to Paisley, or should I say I’ve never heard one come my way. I’m so going to play on this.
“Have a beer with me?” I repeated.
“I can’t I’m driving.”
“So, stay here or get a cab, come get your car tomorrow.”
Fuck the beer, I need something stronger. I headed to the unit to grab a bottle of whisky and grabbed two short tumblers. I placed them down on the table and smiled wickedly. “You up for it?”
Her eyes roamed my face as she twisted her lips to the side, she stared for a beat then nodded. “Just the one.”
“Of course. I don’t expect to open two bottles.”
Her eyes narrowed as she tilted her head, “One glass, Gav.” Twisting the cap off, I poured the whisky in each glass and lifted mine in the air, she sighed as her head shook, but lifted hers to mine anyway and clinked. “I hope you sort it, Gav.”
“Thanks. That means a lot.” I knocked mine back and Nik did the same. As we drank our shot, my arm flung around her shoulder, and I pulled her to me for a hug.
“Another?” I asked and took my arm from her. She held her glass out for me and agreed. I poured a double into her glass and sat back. I didn’t know what to do, and I definitely didn’t have anything to say, so I just drank. In the morning I’d try and sort this shit out.
When I got up though things weren’t any better. Other than another bad head, when the door knocked, I knew things were about to get worse.