Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Karen
Thoughts of Gav engulfed me the moment my tear-filled eyes opened this morning.
I thought I’d cried all my tears yesterday, obviously the well had refilled ready for another day.
The sound of his voice came back to me when I heard him talking to Holly over the speaker, he sounded so pained, but I couldn’t bring myself to see him.
My heart hurt enough, but the fact that he came here had me at least a little hopeful.
I’m grateful to Holly for looking after me like that, but I wished she’d asked first if I even wanted to see him.
It was probably for the best because the guy had a way of making me weak.
It took me an age to get out of my apartment this morning, and once I had I sat in the car for a while too, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.
I made my feet move and now, here I am stood in front of his door, I felt sick.
I didn’t know what to say when I saw him or even what to think, but I was here.
I was ready to sort this crap out. Whatever he decided I’d get through, either we’d do it together, or I’d do this on my own. But I needed to prepare.
I took a deep breath in and knocked on the door. When it opened though, I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.
All my hope crumbled to pieces.
Nikki looked half asleep and wore one of Gav’s shirts. I couldn’t hide the gasp that fell from my lips either. Her low lidded eyes went wide as she looked up, “N…Nikki. What…” The question got lost in a sea of confusion and I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless.
“Oh fuck, K…Karen. Hiii…” Nikki stammered.
“Who is it?” Nikki moved to the side and pressed her back to the door. Gav appeared at the end of the hall pulling his own shirt over his head. His head popped through the neck and his eyes went wide. “Shit! K?”
I felt sick. I’m sure it was nothing to do with the baby this time.
Saliva collected in my mouth. I had to keep swallowing.
I couldn’t breathe. None of us spoke, we just looked at each other, while at the same time, my heart shattered into little pieces.
As I backed away slowly, Gav rushed past Nikki and out of the door toward me.
“K, it’s not what you think, I swear!” I heard what he said, and if I was thinking rationally, then I’d stop to re-assess the situation, but I wasn’t.
I couldn’t. My head was all over the place.
Tears spilt from my eyes as I backed into the wall.
“K, please wait, I can explain.” He appealed, but it wasn’t any use.
I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to be near him right now.
My head shook as I spun around and burst through the door.
I ran the down the hall, paused at the security door to get it open and pushed through that one too.
I didn’t stop until I was in the safe confines of my car, with the doors locked.
My breaths came in short spurts and my chest felt tight.
I just needed to get home. My fingers gripped my keys, but they were shaking so much I couldn’t get them in the ignition.
“Oh, come on,” like a jigsaw, the key finally slid into place and turned but the engine just clicked.
“Please start.” I urged my old friend as Gav appeared at the front door, his hands were in his hair as he hung his head.
I tried again, praying it would start, and as the engine came to life I sighed with relief and skidded out of there.
It seemed someone up there was listening to my pleas.
Numb. I felt numb. In a catatonic like state.
My heart was telling me one thing, but my head told me another, who did I listen to?
Tears continued to fall from my eyes, I had to keep swiping at them to see the road.
My head had told me to run since I’d met him, and I hadn’t listened.
As ever, I’d followed my heart. My head was just a nagging bitch, but it seems like I was wrong.
My eyes blurred.
How could he do this to me? Was all I could ask myself as I made it home.
Holly had left for work by the time I’d returned. I mean, I loved her like a sister, but I was so glad she wasn’t here to see me like this. I threw myself on the couch and bawled into a throw cushion.
I had no idea what to do anymore. My head hurt and my eyes stung from all the crying. But my heart hurt more, along with my pride. I still didn’t want to believe that he’d lied to me all this time, but it was hard not to come to that conclusion.
Had he played me all this time? I found it hard to believe that he hadn’t.
Was he laughing at me?
Were they all laughing at how stupid I’d been?
I curled myself into a tight ball, hugged a cushion to my chest and let my eyes close. I couldn't go on like this. Those were the last words in my head as I drifted off to sleep, it was all I did these days, that and cry.
When I finally woke up, I knew I had to get away from here for a few days.
I had my appointment tomorrow but I could always rearrange, getting away from here was my first priority.
I needed to clear my head and work out what I was going to do, and there was only one person I could get to help me…
the person that every girl needs - her mom.
Once I had a few days’ worth of clothes packed in a bag, I added my chargers, camera, and laptop on top of my clothes, and fastened it up. I threw it in the car on the passenger seat and went back to write a note for Holly, letting her know where I’d gone.
Holly
Gone to stay with my mom for a few days. I need to clear my head and work out what’s best for me. Love you. xx
As I drove, all I could think about was Gav. He haunted me. This was the best thing for me right now. I needed to be away from him, and everyone in the line of fire.
It was a nice drive down to Santa Monica. The scenery had never changed and as soon as I hit the town, I instantly felt relaxed. I wondered sometimes why I’d ever left.
I drove out of the beach town, into the more urban areas, and followed the winding roads that led to my mom’s rental.
It was a gorgeous house with a wraparound porch and a swing.
Something I wanted for myself one day, well, when I could afford one.
An image of a little girl with pigtails sitting on a porch swing, playing with her dolls sparked in my mind as my mom’s house came into my view.
It was then that I remembered I hadn’t told them about the baby.
I hadn’t had chance. This visit was going to be eventful.
I pulled onto the drive behind my mom’s car and sat there for a minute, staring vacantly out of the windshield.
The curtain twitched and I knew it was mom.
Tears filled my eyes again, I guess I’d done well not crying all the way here, but now, knowing that my mom was on the other side of that door, made me even more emotional.
I hadn’t seen her for months. The tears ran down my cheeks as the front door opened, and the mousy woman that gave birth to me, greeted me with a sad smile as she crossed the drive to me.
Her face changed from smiley to a frown, she knew instantly that there was something wrong.
My door opened, and as she bent down to peer in the car, she took one look at me, and her shoulders sagged.
“Oh, angel. Come on, let’s get you some tea.
” I’d drunk that much tea over the last couple of days I could probably swim in it.
I took her hand tightly and let her help me out of the car.
She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “Leave everything else, we can get it later.” I nodded and cried with my head rested on her shoulder.
“You can tell me all about the man that’s broken my baby’s heart. ”
“How do you know it’s a man?” I sniffed. My voice thick as I tried to speak.
“There’s only a man that can make you feel like this, angel.” She tightened her arm around me and kissed the side of my head.
God, it was good to be home.